Knotty Thursday: Pool Blue Chain Stitch

 

I feel like a sleepy angel in my favorite-color ropes that are long enough for me! This could have been tighter and more careful, but they made for such a hot and cozy night with myself.

I love the moment in some self-tie sessions when I feel just a whoosh of swollen wetness, an absolute slick of comfort. I had plans to lay around and read (and I eventually did) but the pair of ropes at my crotch had other ideas. I liked tangling them up with my clit, a rough pinch that made me feel potent. I felt big and mighty, like I imagine a man might with his dick in his hands.

I wanted to send the picture above (and its more explicit versions) to one of the sweethearts in this story, but I didn't. It was my night and I made the most of it--a little lonely, but good practice being devoted to myself. Good practice being present where I am instead of waiting for the ping of approval that might or might not arrive. Instant approval is better sometimes, and so is sleep. 

Dear Wrestler Is a Gift

 How did I get so lucky?! How many times in this blog's fifteen years (?!) have I asked myself that? How can adventuring have so many miracles and surprises?

I overbooked myself weekend before last! I had more weekend gigs than usual, but I couldn't resist making plans with this very pretty face from Feeld. We'd planned to go see my favorite DJ do an early-evening set, but DW very kindly let me reschedule and stay home to watch Howl's Moving Castle with the cats that Saturday. I offered him Wednesday rope night instead and he very politely agreed.

He's so polite! That ade me think he might be beautifully subby, but he is not. He's a dom who'll stand still long enough to get ropes on. Lucky, lucky me.

DW is a street artist like me, and an activist. And busy! And so cute I didn't quite believe he was real until he was at my door. Plus, he knows where the play parties are! I think we'd look so cute there!

After ropes, I took him to bed. Or he took me?

He's a couple decades younger than me, but/and he has depth and maturity as a lover. He listens and responds with his whole body, covers me like a blanket.

"How did you get so good at this?" I asked.

"Practice?" he replied. I wanted to send thank you notes to whomever he's been practicing with! I still do!

He didn't mind when I got overwhelmed and needed breaks. He DEFINTELY didn't mind when I screamed out in pleasure. In fact, he grabbed my wrist and pressed it to the bed so I wouldn't try and cover my mouth. He looked into my face like he wanted to devour me.

And the spanks! And the way he held me down to administer the spanks! Sting and thud and ahhhhhh the relief. Oh the relief. He's just so thorough in his strength.

But friends, my favorite part: He feel asleep for a little while afterwards. I held him and listened to him snore a little and felt dazzled by the loveliness of the moment. I still do. :)

Knotty Thursday: Pretty Triangles

 

I know I'm always calling people gifts from heaven, but Dear Wrestler is a gift from heaven. I'm dizzy and sore this morning, mostly too well-seen-to to form sentences.

I felt clumsy with the ropes, a little stage fright this time! But he was kind and calm and patient. It felt good to wrap my arms around him and around him again.

Some nights feel like good karma, like rewards for some unknown thing I did right. He got the ropes on, but at no point did he flip submissive. At no point at all! Oh happy, happy day!

Knotty Thursday: Yay Alpine Loop!

 

Last night I wanted to get my ropes done a little early because I had a phone call with my brand new Codependents Anonymous sponsor! That went really fruitfully and so did this!

I found good instructions on how to make the Alpine Loop!  Laying it flat instead of looping it over my hand made it easier to see what was going on--it made it make sense! Originally I had planned to just practice the knot, but I started to understand how to do the chain stitch corset I was working on the other week! This is a very rough draft, but I'm getting somewhere!

Rope night felt lonely though! When I tried this corset the other week, (soon to be) Sweet Valentine was texting me throughout the process, and I really, really liked his company. And last week! The beautiful miracle of his kisses, the way my simple Hishi Karada glowed magenta against his skin. The smell of him in my bed. The tide of desire taking us to exactly where we needed to go. Trust and my heart opening up like a flower.

It was a good sort of lonely last night though, a healthy kind. I didn't want to paper over the feelings with drama or torture myself with comparison. I just felt it. I miss him.

Also!! I need longer ropes! Things would be so pretty with less stopping to add length! 

Knotty Thursday: OMG I have a Valentine!

 

Yesterday started with yoga class, maybe all Wednesdays should! About halfway through the class, I got overwhelmed and hot, so I just lay down and breathed for most of the sesh. It's not always easy to find a sense of privacy, stillness, peace, so I rested there. The teacher pulled an oracle card for me about the ocean, about making the unconscious conscious. I left the class hot with energy and so excited for my coffeeshop date right after.

I want to keep the story close for now, but friends, the ropes liked this guy! The day felt easy and blessed, like faith. After he left midafternoon, I ravished myself and spent most of the day in bed. I feel lucky, giddy, and full. I can't wait to see what happens next! <3 <3 <3

Knotty Thursday! Chain Stitch Corset Kind of!

 

Yesterday was such a lovely day! Guess what! I went to yoga for the first time since pre-pandemic! And I can still sort of do most of the things! I took it as easy as possible and listened to my body's boundaries, it felt so good. The teacher pulled me an oracle card that told me to jump into adventure, but tiptoeing seems like a good strategy for now!

For tope night, chose this one to try, a pretty chain-stitch rope dress: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DTqfIEI-TXA I've done aspects of it before and I definitely want to try again. I know I can make an alpine loop but for some reason, I just got stuck! I watched and tried it so many times, looked it up in my rope book to see if that would help, but I just kept ending up with a handful of confusion. I had to move on or OCD would have swooped in and wrecked the occasion.

Instead, I made something pretty and got on with my night--I'm so proud. I love thinking of progress as a spiral, where things don't work and then sometimes, the next time around, they do! Just like those things I'm re-learning in yoga.

Perfectionism is always lurking, always here to stop me from moving the tiniest bit forward. But little steps forward in faith, I think that's the way to go.

Knotty Thursday: Simple Gauntlets and Bowing Down to Love

 

Good morning dears! So for the past few weeks, I've been in a battle with love. I've been doubling down on all the self-care, which is good, but it's gotten so my head feels like a tangle of Twelve Step rules and others' opinions and especially my own impatience. Why can't I be over this heartbreak already? Why can't I just feel gratitude for the good parts of The Guy Next Door adventure, wish him well, and be healed?! 

Because love is big. And ineffable. And important to me, which means OCD wants to rip every memory of it to shreds. I've been trying to feel armored against it so I don't accidentally respond to an eye-twinkle in the driveway, so I can HURRY UP AND ACCEPT THINGS AS THEY ARE, god dammit.

But I don't want to treat love like that! I don't want to treat ME like that anymore. So when a darling potential dom asked me how I could practice submission on my own, like I practice ropes on my own, I decided to start a new ritual:

Every day, at the end of the day, I'm going to get into Child's Pose and bow down to love. Not any one person (or flower, or bird, or color) but the entire concept of love. The universal source that drives me, tends me, and occasionally puts a metaphorical hand on my head.

Rope night was the perfect night to try it. After I put lofi on, put on some rose-scented lotion, and wrapped up my arms, I put a shiny sheet and a few pink Squishmallows (Archie and Laura) on the floor next to the bed, and got down to it.

And it worked! Not the overpowering WHOOSH of submission to a person, but something more cozy and less fraught. Attachment and detachment at the same time. A blessedly quiet mind. I felt faith enter my heart like it was coming home after a long trip. And it was!

Yelling at my heart to hurry up and get better was not working, and it was pretty cruel of me. My aim now is to treat myself like a little kid who has had a big disappointment, but also has a lot of scaffolding and hope. That little time to rest in love made a difference, and I'm excited to let it take the wheel for a while while I rest and heal and probably watch a fair amount of Bluey.

Thank you for being with me on this journey, dear readers. I woke up so grateful.

Poly Feelings and Christmas Cute With The Guy Next Door: Part One

Friends, I am FREAKING OUT. Yesterday was my first real date with The Guy Next Door, and it went well! And today OCD wants me to know ALLLLLL the possible things that could go wrong, or could prove it didn't happen at all. So it's past time to write about what happened over Christmas.

Ever since he helped me with my left-my-phone-in-the-Lyft emergency on Election Day, TGND and I have been hanging out pretty regularly, just friend time with the occasional flirty spark. I didn't know what was going on with the other two ladies, but my therapist gave me this treasure of an advice:

"Maybe you don't have to figure things out and you can focus on having an amazing holiday"

AND OMG I DID IT!

He came over the Thurs before Christmas to help me put up my decorations (Definitely counts as Art Night!) but instead of doing that, we talked for three hours. He'd told me he was poly before, but this time I actually HEARD him. As he filled me in on his relationships, I felt an old familiar golden emotion sparking up!

Compersion!

But more than that, I felt like "Oh yeah, this! I know how to do this." The generosity and lightness I've felt during the best parts of poly life--there they were!

AND

OMG

I CAN'T EVEN BELIEVE IT

The Guy Next Door is a rope top! Gentlekittens, start your engines! (400 scream emojis)

As we sat there, looking through each other's hot pictures, (Though I held off on sharing all but the most chaste rope pictures of me.) I felt like yes. This is The Thing. It's happening. The Pink Haze that takes over sometimes and leads me in the right direction, here it was decorating my apartment, which was good, because nary a Christmas light was hung.

The next night, he came back to actually put up the lights. I was making cookies for Angel Face's Solstice party, so I assigned TGNS to put the lights on the tree.

And I said

(because I am extremely me)

"I think I'm about to get very jealous of the tree!"

He looked shy and startled and said "You're making me blush." and all the bravery drained out of me at once. I felt an ice floe of fear and clammed up, focusing back on the cookies. We joked back and forth like "Oh haha we're such flirty people, of course we're flirting, no big deal."

But I knew that wasn't what I was doing, so I asked, "Do you think we'll get to snuggle someday?" 

And he stopped, thought for a sec, and said "Maybe!"

"Maybe's good!" I said, and for maybe the first time in my whole entire OCD life, I believed it.

Happy Knotty Thursday New Year!

 

Hope your 2026 is starting off cozy and cute! I think I've been doing an exceptional job loving myself lately! With a week of vacation after the job of Christmas is over, I'm just hanging out doing all the things I like.

Monday morning, first thing, I crated the cat and cozied up to my ropes, no particular design or agenda. I love how squishy-wet I got during the long and leisurely tying process. I put on my favorite album (Frank Ocean's Blonde, I never get tired of telling you.) and went to bed. Then after that, I picked another album--Love, Damini by Burna Boy. I burned rose incense and put on rose lotion and felt like the queen of my heart, which I am!

Here are my wishes for the new year: I hope my cute friendship with the Guy Next Door will keep blossoming into whatever it's meant to be. I hope I can keep letting go of things that don't work. I hope to re-embrace my poly identity and let the pain of losing the Shy Ones be a little more in the past. I hope for music and movies and friendship and flowers and trees and birds and art.

I hope too that America keeps rising up against tyranny, blowing sharp whistles til ICE is abolished, trans people are safe, women and girls are people, and men go to therapy. I hope for peace and freedom and plenty in Gaza and Ukraine. I hope the arc of justice gets back to bending forwards. I hope everyone can be fed and housed and warm and cared for.

For you, I'm sending warmth and brightness and grace. I love you, dear readers, hope you have the best year yet.

Merry Merry Knotty Thursday! Thank you so much for reading me!

 

Dear readers, I love you so much! Thanks for being there for me when I don't know what the heck I'm doing, which is almost always. The world is harsh and we have to fight so hard all the time, I'm grateful I have such a cozy place to come and be a slut for you!

I might have some new stories to tell you soon, but for now, I'm just so grateful! Give yourself a hug, eat something yummy, watch your favorite movie, celebrate yourself in all the ways big and small.

Wishing us all our dearest dreams. May the Pink Haze of Desire take you exactly where you need to be. I'll see you there!

Perfect Friday Night With Dreamy Playlist Angel, Part Three

I would really like to bite this butt next time I see it!
And also spank it! Possibly also spoon up next to it and go to sleep.

Despite the name, I've totally been forgetting to tell you about his playlist! In Such Great Heights, A Complete Cultural History of the Indie Rock Explosion, (The book I'm still reading and which The King of Carrot Flowers finished weeks ago!) Chris Deville says it's a typical male fantasy that some girl (Or in my case, some Manic Pixie Dream Mature) is gonna come along and tell a guy he has great taste in music. I guess I fulfill that fantasy pretty regularly! When I was younger and (even) sillier, I thought new music could only come via a cute boy, even if that's never really how I collected it.

ANYWAY, since Dreamy Playlist Angel introduced himself by way of complimenting my Sleater Kinney t-shirt and mentioning a Portlandia rewatch (What would the Gen-X equivalent of this be? Complimenting a Strawberry Alarm Clock tee and mentioning a Monkees marathon? Either way, I'm in.) I had no qualms about asking him to choose the music for our rope time--and that was the correct choice.

Off the couch and upstairs with the candles lit and the cat crated, I felt a jolt of joy as we found the bight and square-knotted the ropes. Dreamy Playlist Angel, with his sculpture-y shoulders and sweet-but-not-too-sweet demeanor, was such a warm and beautiful and inviting canvas.

I hadn't practiced on anyone besides me in the longest time! The ropes felt easy on him, flowy and smooth. I reached around his waist to loop the ropes around, rested my cheek in the crook of his neck for a moment. Kissed his sweet neck and his soft, politely-eager mouth. Good Boy. He's so good.

I wish he'd wanted a picture of the front of him, the harness came out so nice! He looked so pretty and sexy with the loops and knots over his chest, swooping up between his legs and squeezing his butt crack all snug.

His music was dreamy but not overwhelmingly feelings-y! Sweet and swoony at times (Thinkin' Bout You by Frank Ocean! My favorite thing to sing!) but leavened by silliness. Plus! Surprising amounts of saxophone!

Dancing around to indie-rock sax while putting the finishing touches on a beautiful man's hishi karada seems like a very wise way to spend a few moments of my one wild and precious life. 

 

Knotty Thursday: Ribcage Harness and a Cozy Read

 

I've done this one a couple times before, but this time is special! I'm practicing it so I can teach it to Dreamy Playlist Angel next time we hang out! It's one of the easiest ones to practice on myself, but I look forward to trying the cute weave that Rory does in the back: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ADN90FVYty0

It's been a few weeks since I did my Wednesday night ritual, and it made my brain feel...organized. Serene. Grounded. I just got a bunch of candles out of the Christmas stuff, so I had the scents of raspberry, cupcakes, and sangria all at once. Sweetness all around.

Some rope nights are about ravishing myself in all the ways, but this was more of a spa-evening. I brought a cute book upstairs to read, my favorite romcom author.

My smaller cat doesn't need to be crated during ropes, and it was lovely having her snuggle up to my face while I was reading. I spent the evening feeling cozy and celebrated, and then I slept so, so well.

Knotty Thursday: Oh, Dreamy Playlist Angel

 

<3 <3 <3 Look at his shoulders. <3 <3 <3

Me: Oh sure, I'm up for casual.

Also me: Holding him and kissing the top of his head while "Pictures of You" by The Cure plays.

He felt shy about showing the front of the tie, but it was a lovely hishi karada.

It felt so good putting this good sweet boy in my ropes, especially the parts where I had to reach around him, and would just pause to hold him and kiss him and breathe him in. How can just a regular middle aged lady be blessed with so much beauty and softness and hardness and desire?! I'll never stop being surprised and delighted.

For a few days, OCD wouldn't let me claim the experience--if he doesn't belong to me, how could I know it's real, like, a real thing that happened?

My heart wouldn't let me keep him. I don't want to try and fit the (somewhat elusive) definition of casual. I want a thing my heart can eventually run with, a thing that can last and grow.

We said a cute goodbye yesterday, and as soon as I let him go, my heart filled with light, as if it were Christmas morning. I love that I can adore him and wish him well without worrying that he's going to choose the other lady, the one who lives around the corner from him and is closer to his age. Maybe she's perfect for him!

I tend to beat myself up for the times I don't make it to a second date, but there's such a power here--to wrap him up and spoil him, talk about music and movies a bunch, then let him go into his own life again, maybe a little shinier and knowing some new secrets.

It might just be beautiful.

Knotty Thursday: Yay Mermaid Wrap!

Guess what! I had a cute date Tuesday night, and it was made magical by a mistake! The bar I'd picked was closed, so the cutie and I walked a little ways--and found a little beer garden with no one in it but us! Songs were played, Hidden Folder was shown off. Not sure where it will lead but there's no better cure for tunnel vision!

I'm really proud of this tie! The last time I tried it, I was so wrecked by the (thoroughly unsurprising!) proximity of and rejection by The Guy Next Door that I couldn't find my connection to my ropes or myself. Last night was the opposite. As soon as I crated Younger Cat and tied two thirty-foot strands together, I sank into concentration in such a beautiful way. Yayyy!

Knotty Thursday: Rigger's Block and Rejection Sensitivity

 A mermaid tie is pretty easy, but I tried and tried and couldn't get it right. That's how life feels right now, friends. 

Back when I was finishing up trauma work and processing what happened with Summer Princess, my next door neighbor brought me hibiscus tea, or maybe he was just bringing it out for all the neighbors and I just thought he wanted to talk to me. Who knows.

Either way, he was so fun to talk to.  He's a Twin Peaks fan! And I felt so at ease with him that my David Lynch impression came out.

(WHAT A GREAT TIME TO BE ALIVE IF YOU LIKE THE THEATER OF THE ABSURD!)

Bonding. Cuteness. Eventually, sitting around listening to The National. But all of a sudden, he picked somebody else, blah blah blah trapped in a hell of my own making.

Knotty Thursday: Better Ankle Weave!!!

 

Confesh: I called in late to work so I could stay home and look at how pretty these pictures are. I love, love, love my new ropes routine! I watch my tutorial, put Youngest Cat in her crate, bring snacks and water and a gummy upstairs and then just tie and lounge. Sometimes it's sexytimes, but I like just having a peaceful little slumber party with myself too. When the ropes are neatly untangled and put away, both my cats get special food, it's a whole celebration.

I went to the doctor this week and found out I might have a tiny fracture in my heel. Sadly, I think I remember when it happened--just stepped down into the pool wrong in like mid-July. I'm trying to get out of the habit of feeling ancient, but some days I truly do feel like I'm turning into dust.

Also! When I tell a medical professional I take lots of walks, I would LOVE to not hear a surprised/condescending "Oh, that's good!" as if I recently discovered the concept of walking after 51 years of life!

Anyway my foot will need to be babied for a while, so these might come in handy for more than just Wednesday nights! :D

Knotty Thursday: A Little Carried Away

 

I think this is so pretty! But I need to be a bit more disciplined next time! Sometimes I just get in the flow and keep braiding, weaving, and knotting, and then it's hard to get out of!

And okay, my right arm got the teeeeensiest bit tingly, so I couldn't lay around in the ropes as much as I like to--next time!

But it was really nice to come back to my ropes, to light some candles and incense (rose) and turn out all the lights. I tried music, but silence was nicer.

Simple Ropes and a Very Forward Phone Date

 

So I've been trying to have more self-date nights and I've been watching romantic movies as part of Relationship OCD exposure therapy (Not that I wouldn't be watching them anyway! This way just has the added benefit of being homework.) That's how I ended up watching This Is Me...Now, J-Lo's Lemonade-type thing. (I also watched The Greatest Love Story Never Told, the making-of doc, which is a lot about Ben Affleck seeming uncomfortable.)

Anyway, This Is Me...Now has a shibari-themed dance number! And that reminded me that OMG I have ropes!

By the time it was self-date o' clock on Saturday, I thought I was maybe too stoned to accomplish ropes, but then I opened the drawer and saw them--peace wooshed over me and I felt a grounding I didn't know I was missing. So I crated up the kitten (Now fully a cat, but you know, little baby forever!) and gave it a try.

I would like to have done something more elaborate, but it felt so good!

I was texting with a potential FWB (Not the matchup I usually look for, but I liked his face.) and decided to tell him what I was doing, offered him a pic. He said sure and offered a dick pic in return--so cute! Nice and thick with a pointy tip I would love to tickle with my tongue.

Somehow I was cozy and self-contained but also sexting this guy I've never met or even talked to! Not my usual order of operations, but sometimes it's just really nice to have somebody look at my rack! For a cute man to see my nipples hard and discuss them in detail.

It was fun to type, "Yes, suck them hard, but not too hard."

The guy, the ropes, and the Rabbit (and okay probably the weed gummies too) brought me so quickly to deep, rumbling bliss. It was one of those orgasms so powerful that it felt like I either might squirt or unlock the deepest secrets of the universe. I thanked my stranger for helping me come so hard. I felt wired for the rest of the night, restless.

Knotty Thursday: Ribcage Harness

 Well, it's supposed to look like a ribcage, but every harness just looks like fancy boobs on me. I remember doing this one on The Good Boy way back when, it was nice having that memory for company!

Happy Halloween dears! 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ADN90FVYty0

Knotty Thursday: Spider Web Weave!

 Friends! The kitten hung out peacefully in her crate and I finished a whole rope tutorial! It's a joyful new start for our household. Once I decided it was a rope day yesterday, I lifted out of my post-Southern-Charmer gloom and got a little giddy.

It was so much fun getting the whole ritual ready--putting on a little makeup, lighting a rose incense, slathering on rose-scented lotion while I fired up Rory's Brainworks. The real version is so much prettier than mine, but I don't mind! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EVN1iRcdJfI

It was supposed to be the same knot the whole way round, but I had a hard time being consistent. So it ended up alternating between a half-hitch, a Munter hitch, and a just-sort-of-figure-it-out hitch. But I'm so proud!

Also, I think it's time for some new rope colors, definitely need a light blue. A bright new palette would be lovely to try before too long!