Autistic Euphoria and The Guy Next Door, Part One

 Around the time I was processing the Summer of Trauma and writing my Summer Princess posts, my next-door neighbor and I started talking. I'd noticed he was cute when he moved in back in spring, but I'd said hello to him and his pretty girlfriend as they were walking down our shared driveway in dating finery, looking so beautifully Love on the Spectrum. (I don't know if that was me clocking them or just seeing what I wanted to see.) and I was all obsessed with Summer Princess, so I hadn't given his cuteness much thought.

(Holy moly! I just stopped typing to see if Autistic Euphoria is a thing other people noticed! And! This Psychology Today Article! )

The Guy Next Door uncannily resembles the guy I'd have imagined for myself in my 20s and 30s--a sweet-faced and vaguely hippie-ish white guy with longish curly hair and a beard. He's all-but-dissertation at an Ivy. He looks exactly like he has the taste in music that he has--dreamy indie rock. The perfect Death Cab for Cutie cutie of my dreams. I told him I could have written him, which doesn't sound like a compliment, but is. This story ends with us high and me swoony, sitting at my painting table listening to The National.

Anyway, I was in the one-chance-out-between-two-worlds state between summer and fall, trauma work and quiet healing, when he stepped out his door and handed me a clear mug of bright red hibiscus tea. We chatted for a while, and then he bought out another tea for Other Side Neighbor. The three of us stood around talking, looking for all the world like people who'd figured out how to gently share our lives with others.

There was something so attentive about him, something that made me feel profoundly seen. I felt giddily like I didn't have to mask around this person!!! I let my weird self out a little more, even letting out my David Lynch impression, which I usually only do in front of BFF-Formerly Sweetie and the cats.

WHAT A GREAT TIME TO BE ALIVE IF YOU LOVE THE THEATER OF THE ABSURD!

The next time he came out the door with tea (I cannot emphasize enough how close his door is to mine!) it was just for me. I'd mentioned that I thought the hibiscus tea would make good iced tea, so he brought it chilled this time. Same clear mug, same brilliant red color, but he'd made it this way just for me.

Some people just have such a delightful way of inspiring oversharing! Between regular what-we'd-like-to-do-with-the-yard talk, we shared about our respective mental health stuff and our different twelve-step adventures. (Alcohol for him, codependency for me.) 

I mentioned that the guys in my apps seemed to be a little unhinged lately, maybe due to "cuffing season." He let me know he and Girlfriend Next Door had broken up but he wasn't on the apps. I maaaayyyyy have let slip that he didn't have to look further than my door. Instant karma from those app guys I was complaining about--I out-un-hinged them for sure.

"Aw!" he said to that. Maybe it was an "aw" like "Aw, that's sweet" or like "Aw, it's kind of sad that you said something so open and strange."

The hardest thing about getting obsessed with a person is the way I'll avidly look for Signs and Wonders from them, the littlest things that might mean they like me, but also turn the most blinkered eye to any and all red flags on both sides.

Other Side Neighbor helped facilitate the exchange of numbers and, from my now perspective, my fate was sealed. My new OCD and Mindfulness Workbook says I should tell myself "Magic is silly" in response to ideas like fate, but I can't quite get there--in matters of the heart, magic happens all the time.

Knotty Thursday: Rigger's Block and Rejection Sensitivity

 A mermaid tie is pretty easy, but I tried and tried and couldn't get it right. That's how life feels right now, friends. 

Back when I was finishing up trauma work and processing what happened with Summer Princess, my next door neighbor brought me hibiscus tea, or maybe he was just bringing it out for all the neighbors and I just thought he wanted to talk to me. Who knows.

Either way, he was so fun to talk to.  He's a Twin Peaks fan! And I felt so at ease with him that my David Lynch impression came out.

(WHAT A GREAT TIME TO BE ALIVE IF YOU LIKE THE THEATER OF THE ABSURD!)

Bonding. Cuteness. Eventually, sitting around listening to The National. But all of a sudden, he picked somebody else, blah blah blah trapped in a hell of my own making.

Knotty Thursday: Better Ankle Weave!!!

 

Confesh: I called in late to work so I could stay home and look at how pretty these pictures are. I love, love, love my new ropes routine! I watch my tutorial, put Youngest Cat in her crate, bring snacks and water and a gummy upstairs and then just tie and lounge. Sometimes it's sexytimes, but I like just having a peaceful little slumber party with myself too. When the ropes are neatly untangled and put away, both my cats get special food, it's a whole celebration.

I went to the doctor this week and found out I might have a tiny fracture in my heel. Sadly, I think I remember when it happened--just stepped down into the pool wrong in like mid-July. I'm trying to get out of the habit of feeling ancient, but some days I truly do feel like I'm turning into dust.

Also! When I tell a medical professional I take lots of walks, I would LOVE to not hear a surprised/condescending "Oh, that's good!" as if I recently discovered the concept of walking after 51 years of life!

Anyway my foot will need to be babied for a while, so these might come in handy for more than just Wednesday nights! :D

Knotty Thursday: Ankle Weave

 For some reason, the end of summer always makes my feet hurt. So I decided to give them a little treat! I think I could do these a lot prettier, but this was a great first try! Here's the tutorial if you want to try for yourself:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rsuZi9f4ul8

This tie felt more soothing than sexy, I liked taking a gummy and laying there feeling cozy, just playing scrabble on my phone and listening to an episode of You Are Good.

I'm so happy to be back to this routine! Summer-to-fall is always a rough nervous-system transition for me--all the changing schedules and routines!!! So it feels healing to put this time aside to be kind and romantic with myself. Thanks for being here with me, I always appreciate the company.

Knotty Thursday: A Little Carried Away

 

I think this is so pretty! But I need to be a bit more disciplined next time! Sometimes I just get in the flow and keep braiding, weaving, and knotting, and then it's hard to get out of!

And okay, my right arm got the teeeeensiest bit tingly, so I couldn't lay around in the ropes as much as I like to--next time!

But it was really nice to come back to my ropes, to light some candles and incense (rose) and turn out all the lights. I tried music, but silence was nicer.

Trauma Work Summer Part Eight: The End

 

This story feels like so long ago already! Spoiler alert: the trauma work seems to really have helped! When I returned to my school-year job, I felt a joy so strong that I might have been ACTUALLY filled with sunshine! I feel more three-dimensional and grounded, like here at almost-fifty-one I might be an actual adult. Maybe the work saved me, for a little while.

Back to a few weeks ago: the panic lit by the Fire Prevention Play just wouldn't go out. After I confessed my attraction to Summer Princess, I couldn't convince myself I wasn't a threat to her, that I wasn't somehow coercing her to be near me whenever she was near me. 

Prickly and sometimes-moody as she was, she did NOTHING but try and stay friends! While I was coloring/providing a sensory area on our field trip to Dave & Busters, she played an old version of Animal Crossing and sat quietly with me. Back at camp, she made August Valentines with me and the kids. Summer Princess and I took turns picking out dreamy/moody songs amongst the cutting and pasting. She was being a pretty wonderful friend, and I couldn't access the friendly, sunny part of myself.

I knew it was wrong for me to be there with her in such a panicky/heartbroken state, so I ended up leaving camp a week early. I still love her so much (now in a peaceful, non-urgent way) and I'm so grateful for our friendship, however flawed and brief. If by some miracle you're reading this, Summer Princess, thank you. I'm honored to have spent a few weeks basking in the glow of you. I wish you a super-sparkly life and every wish come true.

The Monday after I said goodbye to camp, I went on a roadtrip I'd been planning all the hot, traumaful summer: A trip to my high school hometown, sort of an Exposure Therapy final project. I wanted to face the apartment complex where my Main Trauma happen and the house where my dad made the MT worse by providing my number one intrusive thought: "You brought this into our house."

I spent a two-day trip staying in the most lovely Airbnb, nurturing my inner teenage self and listening to lots of podcast recaps of Fire Walk With Me. In front of the (still very ugly) house, there was a beautiful yellow rosebush. It must've been an heirloom rose, the smell was exquisite.

Laura Palmer was there in my head, a shaman and a doula, helping me lead myself down the path to a new life of innocence and hope.

Maybe I'll write more about that adventure one day, but for now, I just wanted to tell you: I'm happy. My coworkers surprised me with an early birthday cake before the long weekend. This week I'll be both seeing my favorite band AND watching Fire Walk With Me on a big screen! I even like somebody who kinda makes sense for me.

I want to freeze all these happinesses in carbonite, make them permanent, unassailable, unquestionable. I want edges defined and boundaries drawn and a notarized certificate that says I'm not doing anything wrong.

But it feels okay to sit in the present, eat leftover early birthday cake, and hope.