OMG! Briefly Unbored By Dating, Part Three

 

That Thursday of my brain yelling at me, I felt detached from my life, unable to connect with the things I normally enjoy. I couldn't feel the wonderful day-to-day because this one thing was unresolved. Though I was outwardly just moving through my workday, I felt desperate, emotionally ravenous, ragged and ugly.

OCD trying to kick my ass because someone hasn't texted back is one of the most miserable feelings I've ever experienced. I hate it so much.

During the Shy One times, which yes I would loooove to stop referring to, when I felt a vibe shift or he hadn't written back in a half a day or so, when I was feeling so inferior to his wife, when my brain was being so mean to me, I tried to change things. I'd try to make him into a more attentive texter. There were BDSM-style negotiations. I'd cry/get mad/manipulate for at least a heads up when he was going to go radio silent. But that's not how moods work, or how life works, I know.

I still think it's reasonable to have a preference about texting style and often-ness, but I would someday love for my brain to not turn against me when someone I really like is not communicating right at that moment. That's what exposure therapy is for, and waiting for Not Boring Guy to write back was a great way to practice, just the way my weights routine is making my wonky knee stronger.

After the long day of exposure therapy/waiting, he wrote to say "Sorry, I was out of town on a date."

Friends! This is someone I've never met, I'd only heard his lovely deep voice and seen cute pictures. It feels very silly to say I felt heartbroken. He said the seriousness of the date was TBD, but he would keep me posted.

TBD! Oh great, another chance to practice "sitting with uncertainty" as the OCD therapist says. I'm sorry, but sometimes uncertainty can just bite me.

When the TBD was determined, I genuinely felt happy for him, but I definitely wasn't in the mood to play Compersion Barbie, I cried into the dishes and felt WHY IS IT NEVER ME feelings. 

But then, I took care of myself! I lit a candle and lit some jasmine incense. (Special interest side-trip: it says "night blooming jasmine" on David Lynch's tombstone and that phrase is so pretty. Like the opposite of an intrusive thought!) I did some self-compassion journaling: mindfulness, common humanity, loving kindness. It felt good to treat myself lovingly, even though OCD kept offering me unhelpful opinions.

The next day, I woke up feeling like a superhero. I was still sad but also so glad to have felt totally gaga about someone for a few days. I felt like I handled the situation with honesty, dignity, and grace. Honestly, I just love myself so much sometimes! It felt so good to plug back in to work and friends and all the other kinds of love, maybe a little bit stronger for the next adventure.

OMG! Briefly Unbored By Dating! Part Two

 All of that felt kind of nuts to tell him! But it also felt really good! It also seemed to open him up a little, or maybe he's just like that?

We have a profession in common, so I really liked hearing about his career and telling him about mine. He sent a voice memo about a particularly meaningful day at work, so soulful! Plus a gorgeous, warm, gravelly voice. *swoons forever*

The couple of days we were texting felt exactly like springtime--beautifully peaceful but full of blossoming possibility. I let myself hope that this might be, not just a thing, but the thing.

And then, he stopped texting. I knew he was travelling that Thursday and I ALSO knew that this would be the perfect chance to do my Relationship OCD exposure therapy. 

It's possible that I have a good intuition for when someone has lost interest or switched gears. There seems to be a rhythm for "interested" and a different rhythm (or lack of) for "wandered off." Still, I'm learning to live with uncertainty a little better--I worked hard all day at sitting with the discomfort of not knowing, trying not to be already writing off the connection.

Here's what it feels like when someone I really like isn't texting and I don't know why: I *know* I don't have any claim to their time--in this case, we hadn't even met! But OCD doesn't give a single fuck about being chill for five seconds and letting people live their lives! Or about letting me live my life, for that matter!

Here are some of the things OCD tells me when someone isn't texting RIGHT THAT MINUTE:

"You were stupid to think he might have liked you back."

"You're humiliating yourself and being so pathetic."

"He has already forgotten you. You are so worthless, you might not even exist."

Sitting with the feelings and fielding the unhelpful things my brain was telling me put me in the foulest mood.

OMG!! Briefly Unbored By Dating!!! Part One

 

I'm (saltily!) reporting a major victory! I felt totally gaga about someone! Someone who was neither my memory of The Shy One or my still-vexingly beautiful Blue Ribbon Work Crush!

Last Monday night, I was getting ready to go into my Codependents Anonymous meeting when I saw a cute misunderstanding in my dating inbox:

"Okay, when does your meeting get done, I'll come see you!" 

I was touched by that! He was slightly out of town so it would have been an effort! But I've been working a lot of hours these days and there was no way I was going to be in the mood for anything after the meeting besides having a couple of gummies and going to bed!

I righted the misunderstanding and gave him my number so we could chat after. There he was in my texts when I got home! Big smile emoji!

"How was the meeting?" He asked, and because he'd said something earlier about transparency, I told him what kind of meeting it was. 

"Tell me more," he said! And I did. I told him why I'm in Coda, and also let him know that I'm being treated for OCD and am likely on the autism spectrum. (Here's the test I took, it's supposed to be pretty reliable: https://embrace-autism.com/autism-spectrum-quotient/ )

All of that felt pretty nuts to tell him, definitely against the everybody-try-and-be-chill rules of dating, but it felt really good to disclose those aspects of myself!

Simple Ropes and a Very Forward Phone Date

 

So I've been trying to have more self-date nights and I've been watching romantic movies as part of Relationship OCD exposure therapy (Not that I wouldn't be watching them anyway! This way just has the added benefit of being homework.) That's how I ended up watching This Is Me...Now, J-Lo's Lemonade-type thing. (I also watched The Greatest Love Story Never Told, the making-of doc, which is a lot about Ben Affleck seeming uncomfortable.)

Anyway, This Is Me...Now has a shibari-themed dance number! And that reminded me that OMG I have ropes!

By the time it was self-date o' clock on Saturday, I thought I was maybe too stoned to accomplish ropes, but then I opened the drawer and saw them--peace wooshed over me and I felt a grounding I didn't know I was missing. So I crated up the kitten (Now fully a cat, but you know, little baby forever!) and gave it a try.

I would like to have done something more elaborate, but it felt so good!

I was texting with a potential FWB (Not the matchup I usually look for, but I liked his face.) and decided to tell him what I was doing, offered him a pic. He said sure and offered a dick pic in return--so cute! Nice and thick with a pointy tip I would love to tickle with my tongue.

Somehow I was cozy and self-contained but also sexting this guy I've never met or even talked to! Not my usual order of operations, but sometimes it's just really nice to have somebody look at my rack! For a cute man to see my nipples hard and discuss them in detail.

It was fun to type, "Yes, suck them hard, but not too hard."

The guy, the ropes, and the Rabbit (and okay probably the weed gummies too) brought me so quickly to deep, rumbling bliss. It was one of those orgasms so powerful that it felt like I either might squirt or unlock the deepest secrets of the universe. I thanked my stranger for helping me come so hard. I felt wired for the rest of the night, restless.