Knotty Thursday, A Blue Ribbon for Me!

 Friday before last, it was my yearly work evaluation. It was fine! I'm on my way to a fourth year (!) in a job, that's long for me. I lost a few points in the "positivity" category, which felt vexing at first because with a few accommodations in place and way less masking my autism, this was my happiest work year yet! It makes me sad (And enflames my sense of justice!) that maybe the less-masking cost me those (TWO) points, but I'm thinking maybe positivity is something I can let go of a little. Maybe some of my general Polyanna-ing is armor I don't need anymore. Shrug emoji!

Anyway, that night, I wanted to reward myself! A good work year, a lovely new summer job on the horizon, so much peace and growth at every Codependents Anonymous meeting, OCD a much quieter influence--I'm really really proud of myself. I'm glad I gave myself this reward, I really have been the goodest girl! <3 <3 <3

Knotty Thursday: Pool Blue Chain Stitch

 

I feel like a sleepy angel in my favorite-color ropes that are long enough for me! This could have been tighter and more careful, but they made for such a hot and cozy night with myself.

I love the moment in some self-tie sessions when I feel just a whoosh of swollen wetness, an absolute slick of comfort. I had plans to lay around and read (and I eventually did) but the pair of ropes at my crotch had other ideas. I liked tangling them up with my clit, a rough pinch that made me feel potent. I felt big and mighty, like I imagine a man might with his dick in his hands.

I wanted to send the picture above (and its more explicit versions) to one of the sweethearts in this story, but I didn't. It was my night and I made the most of it--a little lonely, but good practice being devoted to myself. Good practice being present where I am instead of waiting for the ping of approval that might or might not arrive. Instant approval is better sometimes, and so is sleep. 

Dear Wrestler Is a Gift

 How did I get so lucky?! How many times in this blog's fifteen years (?!) have I asked myself that? How can adventuring have so many miracles and surprises?

I overbooked myself weekend before last! I had more weekend gigs than usual, but I couldn't resist making plans with this very pretty face from Feeld. We'd planned to go see my favorite DJ do an early-evening set, but DW very kindly let me reschedule and stay home to watch Howl's Moving Castle with the cats that Saturday. I offered him Wednesday rope night instead and he very politely agreed.

He's so polite! That ade me think he might be beautifully subby, but he is not. He's a dom who'll stand still long enough to get ropes on. Lucky, lucky me.

DW is a street artist like me, and an activist. And busy! And so cute I didn't quite believe he was real until he was at my door. Plus, he knows where the play parties are! I think we'd look so cute there!

After ropes, I took him to bed. Or he took me?

He's a couple decades younger than me, but/and he has depth and maturity as a lover. He listens and responds with his whole body, covers me like a blanket.

"How did you get so good at this?" I asked.

"Practice?" he replied. I wanted to send thank you notes to whomever he's been practicing with! I still do!

He didn't mind when I got overwhelmed and needed breaks. He DEFINTELY didn't mind when I screamed out in pleasure. In fact, he grabbed my wrist and pressed it to the bed so I wouldn't try and cover my mouth. He looked into my face like he wanted to devour me.

And the spanks! And the way he held me down to administer the spanks! Sting and thud and ahhhhhh the relief. Oh the relief. He's just so thorough in his strength.

But friends, my favorite part: He feel asleep for a little while afterwards. I held him and listened to him snore a little and felt dazzled by the loveliness of the moment. I still do. :)

Knotty Thursday: Pretty Triangles

 

I know I'm always calling people gifts from heaven, but Dear Wrestler is a gift from heaven. I'm dizzy and sore this morning, mostly too well-seen-to to form sentences.

I felt clumsy with the ropes, a little stage fright this time! But he was kind and calm and patient. It felt good to wrap my arms around him and around him again.

Some nights feel like good karma, like rewards for some unknown thing I did right. He got the ropes on, but at no point did he flip submissive. At no point at all! Oh happy, happy day!

Knotty Thursday: Mermaid of Lowkey Pining

 

Good morning sunbeams! Last night was so lovely, I just got all cozy and confined and read some books in bed. I love the ritual of making this time for myself--lighting candles and burning rose incense. Not even music this time, just me and the ropes.

I didn't feel like looking anything up, but this felt like a good way to keep practicing my chain stitch. And! I can do an alpine loop without looking it up now! For the most part! Somewhat-daily knot practice is paying off.

I still miss Sweet Valentine so much, it's hard not to rehearse for rejection or reach out and try to get his attention. Giving us both space to reflect is kind and loving, but I hate it and wish it could be over already. I hate living in uncertainty, but it's very good for me to practice. I guess if my heart misses him all month long, that's some information for me.

I have the dating apps paused for now too--not because I'm waiting for him (I'm kind of waiting for him.) but because I don't want to do the addictiony thing of trying to "fix" one set of feelings with another. I want to be present with myself and feel all the things! Mostly I want to feel trust and self-love. Sometimes I even feel serene.

Lastly guess what! I ordered longer, goddess-sized ropes! They're turquoise and should arrive on Friday! I can't believe it's taken me this long to realize it would be nice to have bigger ropes for my great big body! That feels like love.

Knotty Thursday: Yay Alpine Loop!

 

Last night I wanted to get my ropes done a little early because I had a phone call with my brand new Codependents Anonymous sponsor! That went really fruitfully and so did this!

I found good instructions on how to make the Alpine Loop!  Laying it flat instead of looping it over my hand made it easier to see what was going on--it made it make sense! Originally I had planned to just practice the knot, but I started to understand how to do the chain stitch corset I was working on the other week! This is a very rough draft, but I'm getting somewhere!

Rope night felt lonely though! When I tried this corset the other week, (soon to be) Sweet Valentine was texting me throughout the process, and I really, really liked his company. And last week! The beautiful miracle of his kisses, the way my simple Hishi Karada glowed magenta against his skin. The smell of him in my bed. The tide of desire taking us to exactly where we needed to go. Trust and my heart opening up like a flower.

It was a good sort of lonely last night though, a healthy kind. I didn't want to paper over the feelings with drama or torture myself with comparison. I just felt it. I miss him.

Also!! I need longer ropes! Things would be so pretty with less stopping to add length! 

Knotty Thursday: OMG I have a Valentine!

 

Yesterday started with yoga class, maybe all Wednesdays should! About halfway through the class, I got overwhelmed and hot, so I just lay down and breathed for most of the sesh. It's not always easy to find a sense of privacy, stillness, peace, so I rested there. The teacher pulled an oracle card for me about the ocean, about making the unconscious conscious. I left the class hot with energy and so excited for my coffeeshop date right after.

I want to keep the story close for now, but friends, the ropes liked this guy! The day felt easy and blessed, like faith. After he left midafternoon, I ravished myself and spent most of the day in bed. I feel lucky, giddy, and full. I can't wait to see what happens next! <3 <3 <3

Knotty Thursday! Chain Stitch Corset Kind of!

 

Yesterday was such a lovely day! Guess what! I went to yoga for the first time since pre-pandemic! And I can still sort of do most of the things! I took it as easy as possible and listened to my body's boundaries, it felt so good. The teacher pulled me an oracle card that told me to jump into adventure, but tiptoeing seems like a good strategy for now!

For tope night, chose this one to try, a pretty chain-stitch rope dress: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DTqfIEI-TXA I've done aspects of it before and I definitely want to try again. I know I can make an alpine loop but for some reason, I just got stuck! I watched and tried it so many times, looked it up in my rope book to see if that would help, but I just kept ending up with a handful of confusion. I had to move on or OCD would have swooped in and wrecked the occasion.

Instead, I made something pretty and got on with my night--I'm so proud. I love thinking of progress as a spiral, where things don't work and then sometimes, the next time around, they do! Just like those things I'm re-learning in yoga.

Perfectionism is always lurking, always here to stop me from moving the tiniest bit forward. But little steps forward in faith, I think that's the way to go.

Knotty Thursday: Simple Gauntlets and Bowing Down to Love

 

Good morning dears! So for the past few weeks, I've been in a battle with love. I've been doubling down on all the self-care, which is good, but it's gotten so my head feels like a tangle of Twelve Step rules and others' opinions and especially my own impatience. Why can't I be over this heartbreak already? Why can't I just feel gratitude for the good parts of The Guy Next Door adventure, wish him well, and be healed?! 

Because love is big. And ineffable. And important to me, which means OCD wants to rip every memory of it to shreds. I've been trying to feel armored against it so I don't accidentally respond to an eye-twinkle in the driveway, so I can HURRY UP AND ACCEPT THINGS AS THEY ARE, god dammit.

But I don't want to treat love like that! I don't want to treat ME like that anymore. So when a darling potential dom asked me how I could practice submission on my own, like I practice ropes on my own, I decided to start a new ritual:

Every day, at the end of the day, I'm going to get into Child's Pose and bow down to love. Not any one person (or flower, or bird, or color) but the entire concept of love. The universal source that drives me, tends me, and occasionally puts a metaphorical hand on my head.

Rope night was the perfect night to try it. After I put lofi on, put on some rose-scented lotion, and wrapped up my arms, I put a shiny sheet and a few pink Squishmallows (Archie and Laura) on the floor next to the bed, and got down to it.

And it worked! Not the overpowering WHOOSH of submission to a person, but something more cozy and less fraught. Attachment and detachment at the same time. A blessedly quiet mind. I felt faith enter my heart like it was coming home after a long trip. And it was!

Yelling at my heart to hurry up and get better was not working, and it was pretty cruel of me. My aim now is to treat myself like a little kid who has had a big disappointment, but also has a lot of scaffolding and hope. That little time to rest in love made a difference, and I'm excited to let it take the wheel for a while while I rest and heal and probably watch a fair amount of Bluey.

Thank you for being with me on this journey, dear readers. I woke up so grateful.

Untangling Thursday: Grief and Slutty Joy

 

Next week I hope to be back to my ropes routine, but I really like this picture and what it means! A horny surge of health!

Every once in a while, I get in a real Downton Abbey place, like, if I can be chaste and proper enough, this will work out. Maybe it's a fetish, or maybe it's just a tendency to ignore and deny the forward motion of my heart. To discount desire in favor of some lofty thing somebody else likes. No matter why, it takes me to a place of deep self loathing, of too much. Honestly after the tangle with The Guy Next Door, I thought my unfuckability was etched in stone.

But it turns out, when I'm not Detective Pikachu-ing a messy boy's mercurial intentions, when I'm alone in my bed with the apps and my camera, desire sparkles in so easily! And the apps did not disappoint, as one guy after another invited himself over, today, soon, right now, "Between 3 and 4:30," and the straightforwardness of being embodied and being wanted made me wet and started the healing.

Of course none of them have been over yet, but one's on the calendar: Video Star. Ohboy I don't know how his big fat perfect dick is even real, but I aim to find out if I can. Last night he sent a video of him soaping up in the shower, sudsing his enormousness with just the most cocky (ha) look on his face. Fucking transcendent. 

He has been rewarded with all kinds of Hidden Folder treats, and I've been brazen enough to send videos too! That's how I found out that my pubic hair is going grey! He still said I had a pretty pussy though, and asked for more.

So, I'm sad without The Guy Next Door. I miss him and I hope, through whatever fog he's in, he misses me too. I've promised several friends I wouldn't loop back, not that he's asking me to. I don't want to ignore myself any more times. I don't ever want to pretend I don't feel what I feel, never not ever again.

It might be a long time until love arrives again, who knows. But joy? Desire? Playfulness? Already here again, thank goodness.

Knotty Thursday But Vague Tarot

 Yesterday was a beautiful and maybe-too-urgent self-care day. I caught up with friends, took an unseasonably warm sunny walk. I decluttered a couple shelves I've been dying to declutter-very satisfying!

I did put on a simple rope corset over my nightgown last, but I wanted it to be just for me. I sat down and spaced out with the cards a while. It felt a little like being a poet, exploring through without much aim and without really expecting them to tell me anything. Or rather, for me to tell myself anything inspired by the images. 

Temperance keeps coming up, and The Dancer. I've got a couple dance parties on the cal, so that's good.

Not too long after the cards, I got so sick! Don't know if it was a bad gummy or food poisoning or just a catharsis or a hangover from Christmas love/stress or all of those things. Physically I'm doing okay this morning, but lost is the prevailing emotion still.

Poly Feelings and Christmas Cute With The Guy Next Door: Part One

Friends, I am FREAKING OUT. Yesterday was my first real date with The Guy Next Door, and it went well! And today OCD wants me to know ALLLLLL the possible things that could go wrong, or could prove it didn't happen at all. So it's past time to write about what happened over Christmas.

Ever since he helped me with my left-my-phone-in-the-Lyft emergency on Election Day, TGND and I have been hanging out pretty regularly, just friend time with the occasional flirty spark. I didn't know what was going on with the other two ladies, but my therapist gave me this treasure of an advice:

"Maybe you don't have to figure things out and you can focus on having an amazing holiday"

AND OMG I DID IT!

He came over the Thurs before Christmas to help me put up my decorations (Definitely counts as Art Night!) but instead of doing that, we talked for three hours. He'd told me he was poly before, but this time I actually HEARD him. As he filled me in on his relationships, I felt an old familiar golden emotion sparking up!

Compersion!

But more than that, I felt like "Oh yeah, this! I know how to do this." The generosity and lightness I've felt during the best parts of poly life--there they were!

AND

OMG

I CAN'T EVEN BELIEVE IT

The Guy Next Door is a rope top! Gentlekittens, start your engines! (400 scream emojis)

As we sat there, looking through each other's hot pictures, (Though I held off on sharing all but the most chaste rope pictures of me.) I felt like yes. This is The Thing. It's happening. The Pink Haze that takes over sometimes and leads me in the right direction, here it was decorating my apartment, which was good, because nary a Christmas light was hung.

The next night, he came back to actually put up the lights. I was making cookies for Angel Face's Solstice party, so I assigned TGNS to put the lights on the tree.

And I said

(because I am extremely me)

"I think I'm about to get very jealous of the tree!"

He looked shy and startled and said "You're making me blush." and all the bravery drained out of me at once. I felt an ice floe of fear and clammed up, focusing back on the cookies. We joked back and forth like "Oh haha we're such flirty people, of course we're flirting, no big deal."

But I knew that wasn't what I was doing, so I asked, "Do you think we'll get to snuggle someday?" 

And he stopped, thought for a sec, and said "Maybe!"

"Maybe's good!" I said, and for maybe the first time in my whole entire OCD life, I believed it.

Happy Knotty Thursday New Year!

 

Hope your 2026 is starting off cozy and cute! I think I've been doing an exceptional job loving myself lately! With a week of vacation after the job of Christmas is over, I'm just hanging out doing all the things I like.

Monday morning, first thing, I crated the cat and cozied up to my ropes, no particular design or agenda. I love how squishy-wet I got during the long and leisurely tying process. I put on my favorite album (Frank Ocean's Blonde, I never get tired of telling you.) and went to bed. Then after that, I picked another album--Love, Damini by Burna Boy. I burned rose incense and put on rose lotion and felt like the queen of my heart, which I am!

Here are my wishes for the new year: I hope my cute friendship with the Guy Next Door will keep blossoming into whatever it's meant to be. I hope I can keep letting go of things that don't work. I hope to re-embrace my poly identity and let the pain of losing the Shy Ones be a little more in the past. I hope for music and movies and friendship and flowers and trees and birds and art.

I hope too that America keeps rising up against tyranny, blowing sharp whistles til ICE is abolished, trans people are safe, women and girls are people, and men go to therapy. I hope for peace and freedom and plenty in Gaza and Ukraine. I hope the arc of justice gets back to bending forwards. I hope everyone can be fed and housed and warm and cared for.

For you, I'm sending warmth and brightness and grace. I love you, dear readers, hope you have the best year yet.

Merry Merry Knotty Thursday! Thank you so much for reading me!

 

Dear readers, I love you so much! Thanks for being there for me when I don't know what the heck I'm doing, which is almost always. The world is harsh and we have to fight so hard all the time, I'm grateful I have such a cozy place to come and be a slut for you!

I might have some new stories to tell you soon, but for now, I'm just so grateful! Give yourself a hug, eat something yummy, watch your favorite movie, celebrate yourself in all the ways big and small.

Wishing us all our dearest dreams. May the Pink Haze of Desire take you exactly where you need to be. I'll see you there!

Knotty Thursday: Ribcage Harness and a Cozy Read

 

I've done this one a couple times before, but this time is special! I'm practicing it so I can teach it to Dreamy Playlist Angel next time we hang out! It's one of the easiest ones to practice on myself, but I look forward to trying the cute weave that Rory does in the back: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ADN90FVYty0

It's been a few weeks since I did my Wednesday night ritual, and it made my brain feel...organized. Serene. Grounded. I just got a bunch of candles out of the Christmas stuff, so I had the scents of raspberry, cupcakes, and sangria all at once. Sweetness all around.

Some rope nights are about ravishing myself in all the ways, but this was more of a spa-evening. I brought a cute book upstairs to read, my favorite romcom author.

My smaller cat doesn't need to be crated during ropes, and it was lovely having her snuggle up to my face while I was reading. I spent the evening feeling cozy and celebrated, and then I slept so, so well.

Knotty Thursday: Oh, Dreamy Playlist Angel

 

<3 <3 <3 Look at his shoulders. <3 <3 <3

Me: Oh sure, I'm up for casual.

Also me: Holding him and kissing the top of his head while "Pictures of You" by The Cure plays.

He felt shy about showing the front of the tie, but it was a lovely hishi karada.

It felt so good putting this good sweet boy in my ropes, especially the parts where I had to reach around him, and would just pause to hold him and kiss him and breathe him in. How can just a regular middle aged lady be blessed with so much beauty and softness and hardness and desire?! I'll never stop being surprised and delighted.

For a few days, OCD wouldn't let me claim the experience--if he doesn't belong to me, how could I know it's real, like, a real thing that happened?

My heart wouldn't let me keep him. I don't want to try and fit the (somewhat elusive) definition of casual. I want a thing my heart can eventually run with, a thing that can last and grow.

We said a cute goodbye yesterday, and as soon as I let him go, my heart filled with light, as if it were Christmas morning. I love that I can adore him and wish him well without worrying that he's going to choose the other lady, the one who lives around the corner from him and is closer to his age. Maybe she's perfect for him!

I tend to beat myself up for the times I don't make it to a second date, but there's such a power here--to wrap him up and spoil him, talk about music and movies a bunch, then let him go into his own life again, maybe a little shinier and knowing some new secrets.

It might just be beautiful.

Knotty Thursday: Thigh Roses and Shiny Sheets!

 

Yesterday I had a podiatrist appointment for my lil bone spur and got the best news a 51-year-old who has walked A LOT can get--there are exercises that might make it not hurt! Time to celebrate!

I've been thinking lately about how cute my legs and feet are. This thigh rose tie is inspired by a Rory's Brainworks design, really easy and calming!

 

Just simple ropes on top! My lingerie collection is getting a little out of control but there keep being more pretty bras!

When I ordered these sheets, I didn't realize they were shiny! I've never had shiny sheets! The sensation is so smooth and cool and slippery. I hugged my pillowcase instead of a stuffy last night!

Knotty Thursday: Yay Mermaid Wrap!

Guess what! I had a cute date Tuesday night, and it was made magical by a mistake! The bar I'd picked was closed, so the cutie and I walked a little ways--and found a little beer garden with no one in it but us! Songs were played, Hidden Folder was shown off. Not sure where it will lead but there's no better cure for tunnel vision!

I'm really proud of this tie! The last time I tried it, I was so wrecked by the (thoroughly unsurprising!) proximity of and rejection by The Guy Next Door that I couldn't find my connection to my ropes or myself. Last night was the opposite. As soon as I crated Younger Cat and tied two thirty-foot strands together, I sank into concentration in such a beautiful way. Yayyy!

Knotty Thursday: Cards Instead

 

I'm still feeling a little trapped from the Guy Next Door situation, so I don't feel ready to try the mermaid tie again. So I did what I always do when I need a little inspiration: read seven different Tarot decks!

Knotty Thursday: Rigger's Block and Rejection Sensitivity

 A mermaid tie is pretty easy, but I tried and tried and couldn't get it right. That's how life feels right now, friends. 

Back when I was finishing up trauma work and processing what happened with Summer Princess, my next door neighbor brought me hibiscus tea, or maybe he was just bringing it out for all the neighbors and I just thought he wanted to talk to me. Who knows.

Either way, he was so fun to talk to.  He's a Twin Peaks fan! And I felt so at ease with him that my David Lynch impression came out.

(WHAT A GREAT TIME TO BE ALIVE IF YOU LIKE THE THEATER OF THE ABSURD!)

Bonding. Cuteness. Eventually, sitting around listening to The National. But all of a sudden, he picked somebody else, blah blah blah trapped in a hell of my own making.