Knotty Thursday, A Blue Ribbon for Me!

 Friday before last, it was my yearly work evaluation. It was fine! I'm on my way to a fourth year (!) in a job, that's long for me. I lost a few points in the "positivity" category, which felt vexing at first because with a few accommodations in place and way less masking my autism, this was my happiest work year yet! It makes me sad (And enflames my sense of justice!) that maybe the less-masking cost me those (TWO) points, but I'm thinking maybe positivity is something I can let go of a little. Maybe some of my general Polyanna-ing is armor I don't need anymore. Shrug emoji!

Anyway, that night, I wanted to reward myself! A good work year, a lovely new summer job on the horizon, so much peace and growth at every Codependents Anonymous meeting, OCD a much quieter influence--I'm really really proud of myself. I'm glad I gave myself this reward, I really have been the goodest girl! <3 <3 <3

OMG!! Briefly Unbored By Dating!!! Part One

 

I'm (saltily!) reporting a major victory! I felt totally gaga about someone! Someone who was neither my memory of The Shy One or my still-vexingly beautiful Blue Ribbon Work Crush!

Last Monday night, I was getting ready to go into my Codependents Anonymous meeting when I saw a cute misunderstanding in my dating inbox:

"Okay, when does your meeting get done, I'll come see you!" 

I was touched by that! He was slightly out of town so it would have been an effort! But I've been working a lot of hours these days and there was no way I was going to be in the mood for anything after the meeting besides having a couple of gummies and going to bed!

I righted the misunderstanding and gave him my number so we could chat after. There he was in my texts when I got home! Big smile emoji!

"How was the meeting?" He asked, and because he'd said something earlier about transparency, I told him what kind of meeting it was. 

"Tell me more," he said! And I did. I told him why I'm in Coda, and also let him know that I'm being treated for OCD and am likely on the autism spectrum. (Here's the test I took, it's supposed to be pretty reliable: https://embrace-autism.com/autism-spectrum-quotient/ )

All of that felt pretty nuts to tell him, definitely against the everybody-try-and-be-chill rules of dating, but it felt really good to disclose those aspects of myself!

Southern Charmer Postscript

 

My oldest cat is sixteen and she's been sick. The first time I turned on the heater this fall, she abruptly left her perpetual spot next to me on the couch and fled for more hide-y places upstairs. She sleeps on the vent under the vanity or on a big suitcase I took out when I changed the clothes over for winter.

This plus the coming (impending) election was giving all of life a way-too-urgent feeling. It's a feeling I had all the time when I was younger and unmedicated and would contemplate the shortness of the lilac season. I knew they'd be gone soon and I worried I wasn't enjoying them enough while they were here.

The one thing that WASN'T making me feel that way was The Southern Charmer. After our lovely night together, he told me that, considering his recent breakup, he felt like he'd gone too fast into sex with me. I took that to mean that he wanted to slow down, not stop. We chatted every few days and I hoped we'd eventually make it back to smoochtown.

I was lying on the floor next to Oldest Cat's ersatz suitcase bed, holding her paw, when I decided to check in with SC. His update was that he had made a new friend, a platonic one, and they'd hung out a couple times lately.

I thought he'd been laying low because of his breakup grief, but here he was making a lovely new confidante. I started to cry, realizing he'd left me behind a few weeks ago without me realizing. People will say literally anything when they mean "We're not a match" and no matter how many times it happens or how many paragraphs I've paragraphed, I still miss getting it sometimes. It's a thing that makes me feel every one of the seventeen points of my Autism Spectrum Quotient. https://embrace-autism.com/autism-spectrum-quotient/

I asked him why he hadn't spent some of that time with me. He said again the thing about having gone too fast, how he couldn't handle the emotional intimacy right now. I didn't even know we were DOING emotional intimacy! A true first. I heard it now, a break-off, not a slowdown.