Untangling Thursday: Grief and Slutty Joy

 

Next week I hope to be back to my ropes routine, but I really like this picture and what it means! A horny surge of health!

Every once in a while, I get in a real Downton Abbey place, like, if I can be chaste and proper enough, this will work out. Maybe it's a fetish, or maybe it's just a tendency to ignore and deny the forward motion of my heart. To discount desire in favor of some lofty thing somebody else likes. No matter why, it takes me to a place of deep self loathing, of too much. Honestly after the tangle with The Guy Next Door, I thought my unfuckability was etched in stone.

But it turns out, when I'm not Detective Pikachu-ing a messy boy's mercurial intentions, when I'm alone in my bed with the apps and my camera, desire sparkles in so easily! And the apps did not disappoint, as one guy after another invited himself over, today, soon, right now, "Between 3 and 4:30," and the straightforwardness of being embodied and being wanted made me wet and started the healing.

Of course none of them have been over yet, but one's on the calendar: Video Star. Ohboy I don't know how his big fat perfect dick is even real, but I aim to find out if I can. Last night he sent a video of him soaping up in the shower, sudsing his enormousness with just the most cocky (ha) look on his face. Fucking transcendent. 

He has been rewarded with all kinds of Hidden Folder treats, and I've been brazen enough to send videos too! That's how I found out that my pubic hair is going grey! He still said I had a pretty pussy though, and asked for more.

So, I'm sad without The Guy Next Door. I miss him and I hope, through whatever fog he's in, he misses me too. I've promised several friends I wouldn't loop back, not that he's asking me to. I don't want to ignore myself any more times. I don't ever want to pretend I don't feel what I feel, never not ever again.

It might be a long time until love arrives again, who knows. But joy? Desire? Playfulness? Already here again, thank goodness.

Knotty Thursday: Thigh Roses and Shiny Sheets!

 

Yesterday I had a podiatrist appointment for my lil bone spur and got the best news a 51-year-old who has walked A LOT can get--there are exercises that might make it not hurt! Time to celebrate!

I've been thinking lately about how cute my legs and feet are. This thigh rose tie is inspired by a Rory's Brainworks design, really easy and calming!

 

Just simple ropes on top! My lingerie collection is getting a little out of control but there keep being more pretty bras!

When I ordered these sheets, I didn't realize they were shiny! I've never had shiny sheets! The sensation is so smooth and cool and slippery. I hugged my pillowcase instead of a stuffy last night!

Knotty Thursday: A Little Carried Away

 

I think this is so pretty! But I need to be a bit more disciplined next time! Sometimes I just get in the flow and keep braiding, weaving, and knotting, and then it's hard to get out of!

And okay, my right arm got the teeeeensiest bit tingly, so I couldn't lay around in the ropes as much as I like to--next time!

But it was really nice to come back to my ropes, to light some candles and incense (rose) and turn out all the lights. I tried music, but silence was nicer.

Mr. Long Distance Is a Dear, Part Three

 

The night of not-in-the-mood, Mr. Long Distance and I had a lovely text chat instead of our planned sexytimes. “I just want to see your beautiful face,” he said, but I asked if we could type it through instead.

I was so touched by the way he reacted to my confusion and stuckness, how openhearted and patient he was. Even though (spoiler alert) I ultimately decided the distance was too much, my heart feels so comforted by Mr. Long Distance.

Once the mood returned, I asked if we could try our video sexytimes date again. Thursday at 9, we decided, two Thursdays ago by now.

Before he called, I put on a little bit of makeup and my Easter-blue lingerie. I climbed into bed and got all cozy under the weighted blanket before he called. When I opened the FaceTime, I just LOVED seeing him. His smile is truly so special, open and warm and joyful—just the face you want to see when you’re ready to get naked over video for the first time.

“Let me see you,” he said, not dommy but definitely hungry. I snuggled down into the blankets and said “not yet!”

We caught up a little more, ranging from pillow talk to logistics.

“Would you ever move to________________?” he asked, his voice a little feverish.

“Uh, no. I love (my city) so much, I never want to live anywhere else!”

(That’s not strictly true, I might not need to live here forever, but let’s just take a moment to appreciate the life I’ve made in the ten years since my divorce! My friendships, my business and other work, my neighbors. There’s even a Unitarian Church I can turn to when grief arises! A life.)

Unhelpful geography aside, the chitchat got me ready to lower the blankets. It felt good to move aside the lace of my nightie and slowly, lazily touch my nipples as he watched. I found a way to prop up the phone so he could mostly see me and I could have the use of both of my hands. I picked up the phone and put it above me so he could see my whole rosy, pleased self. I wanted him to see all of me.

“Get rid of the panties,” he said after I pulled them aside to reveal (at least, I hoped he could see) my soaking wet clit. I reluctantly complied—I love the feeling of pulled-aside undies. But if he wanted to see everything, he was going to see everything.

Happy Frilly Friday! Introducing Dear Ribbons, A Nonexpert Advice Column

 

I have a shoulder injury that makes me leery about getting back to ropes, so darn I'll just have keep getting frilly! 

Friends, I’ve been having the nicest week helping a friend of mine get their mind ready for an anticipated date! They are going on a picnic! I absolutely adore giving out advice and cheerleading when asked. Plus helping my pals steer themselves toward their slutty dreams helps me steer my own life better, too!

So if you would like some heartfelt and experienced-but-nonexpert advice on love, etiquette, grief, self-compassion, and/ or what emojis to use, please write to me! Email thekittencalendar@gmail.com and put Dear Ribbons in the subject line. I promise to love you and your story, and to steer us both/all towards optimism, self-love, liberation, hope, and hotness!

Frilly Friday: Pool Blue and the Beautiful Melancholy

 

It’s been a lovely week in the world of body love! How could it not be, with all the sparkly femme Barbie vibes in the air. 95% of my brain power is currently taken up planning my outfit for the movies tonight! Speaking of frilly! Plus, I feel like I’ve fully reclaimed the pool, and they even added a lap lane!

After all those useful and painful paragraphs last week, making lazy art with pretty stuff feels like a balm. This is the first piece of fancy, grown-up lingerie I bought for myself, and the shift in mindset is almost as powerful as when I realized I could find new songs for myself without boys making me mixtapes! (Oooh but remember the Princely One’s dreamy Afrobeat picks though!? Let me now get swoonily sidetracked…)

The cups are a size too big, but as soon as I tried it on last Friday, I knew I didn’t want to be separated from this gorgeousness long enough to make an exchange. I love lingerie so much—the tulle feels so cool and delicate against my sweaty summer skin. The lace and embroidery and so shiny and tickly and exciting! Like the dear ropes, it’s like a hug I can give myself, just softer and less crafty/labor-intensive.

After I took the pictures though, sadness settled over me instead of horniness. I’ve been lonely these past few weeks, friends are away and there’s been a few too many (sometimes some is too many) “On This Day” reminders from last summer. The thing about these self-hugs is that they relax me into all different kinds of releases.

So instead of getting out the toys or hitting the search terms, I turned out the light, pulled the comforter over my fancy self, squeezed my Snorlax Squishmallow, and felt all the things.

Because And Just Like That has a new season, I remembered that I’m already familiar with this feeling—remember Carrie sad in a Paris hotel bed, swirled in that Versace gown?

Just like that but gorgeously fat and under forty bucks. Though I was sad, a warmth traveled through my body, concentrated on my heart and soul. This is what it’s like to love myself! And my dating break is over in just three days!

Yay it’s Frilly Friday!

 

Is using Prisma capitulating to the robots? Maybe! This bodysuit is from the Christmas box and I really love it because! It's long enough that the crotch snaps don't immediately unsnap! If I scooch down the top, (the lace is so stimulating!) it's very nice to sleep in too!

Part of my Fat Liberation process has been learning that I’m worthy of beautiful and specific clothes. For most of my life, my choices have been so limited and now suddenly there are choices! And there are beautiful, sexy fat people all over my socials. My gorgeous city even has its own facebook community specifically for practicing/celebrating/enjoying our fat bodies.

I’ve already written so much about what The Shy One’s beautiful Christmastime box of all different lingerie meant to me, but the abundance of it is really so profound. As a fat woman, some parts of beauty and pleasure have long felt unavailable to me and now, suddenly, there it all is!

Last week, after Dumb Fatphobic Lap Lane Thing happened at the pool, I asked my body what I could do to pay her back for all the things she puts up with, all the things she is and does for me. And in that moment, the Instagram algorithm did its knowing-me-too-well-sometimes thing and showed me a beautiful pool-blue, floral embroidered babydoll set. I definitely clicked through! You can see it next Friday!

Over the past month or so, I’ve been working my way through the Christmas lingerie box, enjoying, then sleeping in, then gently washing, then hanging up Marie-Kondo-neatly each beautiful set. This was one of the things I wished for as I set out on my grief journey back in February, and now the time is here! Oh Frilly Things, we’ve made it! We lived!

Plus, I have plenty of other cute slutty stuff in my collection!

So on Fridays, I’ll show you a glimpse of how cute I am when I’m loving myself! I hope you enjoy it, I know I will!

Knotty Thursday: Tinsel and the Fancy Purple Thing!

 Before I get to Wednesday night shenanigans, there's a lot to say about Tuesday night! I have finally redeemed the Big Fancy Garden! The Shy One let me take him there for our Christmas date, and it was an absolutely PERFECT night.

As soon as we stepped out of the entrance building, a deep night-before-Solstice hush came over my whole being. The trees and archways were lit bright and the stars sparkled above in the clear, cold sky. The Shy One is tropical at heart, so he grumbled a bit about the low temp, but it was a good-natured Luke Daines kind of grumbling. He bought us hot chocolates. We took a jillion pictures of trees and lights and flowers. I asked a stranger to take our picture together.

On the drive home, I put on my  A She and Him Christmas CD until it made me too sleepy, then he DJed from his Spotify list. My tire light came on, so we pulled into a gas station to check them, and then the tire light went off.

And then, back at my place, the presents. I knew he would go all out (See: post-Ramadan princess tea cup!) and I don't have much money this year, so I painted him a little painting and made him a photo scrapbook of our cuteness so far. I got him Knots: The Complete Visual Guide and a start to his rope collection, black and silver. 

And then, his gifts for me!  A rose candle. Two pretty-scented lotions. He's always perfect with candles and lotions! And THEN, the lingerie.

I've always LOVED lingerie. I started collecting it from thrift stores when I was a teen, and lord knows this blog has seen its share of pretty bras and special-occasion undies.

But these.

These are surprise-from-a-boyfriend-in-the-best-kind-of-chick-lit-novel lacy things. They are Princess Slut Goddess lacy things. They are FANCY. 

One of the tamer pictures The Shy One took!

I tried on one set during the date, and I'll keep that lovefest mostly to myself for now, but all day yesterday, while I was blazing along through my Christmas chores, doing festively half-assed work sessions, and avoiding folding the laundry, I daydreamed about the Fancy Purple Thing. When my last client of the day cancelled, I rushed home to be with myself, to wrap myself in rope and tinsel and The Shy One's lacy love language. Very, very festive indeed.