Untangling Thursday: Grief and Slutty Joy

 

Next week I hope to be back to my ropes routine, but I really like this picture and what it means! A horny surge of health!

Every once in a while, I get in a real Downton Abbey place, like, if I can be chaste and proper enough, this will work out. Maybe it's a fetish, or maybe it's just a tendency to ignore and deny the forward motion of my heart. To discount desire in favor of some lofty thing somebody else likes. No matter why, it takes me to a place of deep self loathing, of too much. Honestly after the tangle with The Guy Next Door, I thought my unfuckability was etched in stone.

But it turns out, when I'm not Detective Pikachu-ing a messy boy's mercurial intentions, when I'm alone in my bed with the apps and my camera, desire sparkles in so easily! And the apps did not disappoint, as one guy after another invited himself over, today, soon, right now, "Between 3 and 4:30," and the straightforwardness of being embodied and being wanted made me wet and started the healing.

Of course none of them have been over yet, but one's on the calendar: Video Star. Ohboy I don't know how his big fat perfect dick is even real, but I aim to find out if I can. Last night he sent a video of him soaping up in the shower, sudsing his enormousness with just the most cocky (ha) look on his face. Fucking transcendent. 

He has been rewarded with all kinds of Hidden Folder treats, and I've been brazen enough to send videos too! That's how I found out that my pubic hair is going grey! He still said I had a pretty pussy though, and asked for more.

So, I'm sad without The Guy Next Door. I miss him and I hope, through whatever fog he's in, he misses me too. I've promised several friends I wouldn't loop back, not that he's asking me to. I don't want to ignore myself any more times. I don't ever want to pretend I don't feel what I feel, never not ever again.

It might be a long time until love arrives again, who knows. But joy? Desire? Playfulness? Already here again, thank goodness.

Mr. Long Distance Is a Dear, Part Four

 

I loved laying there talking with him, playing with my nipples, and talking some more. When I asked to see all of him, he very sweetly said he wanted to save that for in person. He said that a few times, but I guess eventually the horniness won out. He angled the camera up from under his dick and oh fuck yeah, it was a profound beauty.

His cock was a fat cone of goodness, angled up and rock hard. I wanted to taste the salty tip of it. I could imagine myself riding it for days and nights, maybe for actual ever. I liked watching him play with himself, the way his thumb squeezed up and down his shaft. His warm face smiled down on me.

I asked if I could get out my trusty big pink rabbit, and of course he agreed. I was watching his face when I came, and he came not too much later. I’d like to have seen the evidence, but I’m definitely glad to have been looking into his sweet face as he got off.

He said goodnight pretty quickly then, but texted with praise, just as we’d agreed upon that afternoon. It’s not as good as snuggling, but it meant a lot to read his kind words, and then read some more in the morning.

But that weekend, I had a trip just a little bit longer than the trip to his place would’ve been, and the reality of our distance sunk in. I took stock of all the spoons I have to gather for any given trip and how much I need to take care of in my own life, and realized that it wouldn’t work.

I spent so much time being lonely during The Shy One, I didn’t want to set myself up for loneliness, for another form of unrequitedness. I wanted to celebrate Mr. Long Distance for the big life he is in, and do the same thing for myself.

This is my home. There are literal millions of men in this city. I had an even-cuter-than-his-picture breakfast date yesterday, a local and sweet and beautiful guy who brought roses. (I hadn’t remembered my favorite brunch place was flower-shop adjacent!) Still, as I type this through, I feel wistful for Mr. Long Distance. And grateful. And a little back-tracky. Matches go by fast, my heart moves slow.

Mr. Long Distance Is a Dear, Part Three

 

The night of not-in-the-mood, Mr. Long Distance and I had a lovely text chat instead of our planned sexytimes. “I just want to see your beautiful face,” he said, but I asked if we could type it through instead.

I was so touched by the way he reacted to my confusion and stuckness, how openhearted and patient he was. Even though (spoiler alert) I ultimately decided the distance was too much, my heart feels so comforted by Mr. Long Distance.

Once the mood returned, I asked if we could try our video sexytimes date again. Thursday at 9, we decided, two Thursdays ago by now.

Before he called, I put on a little bit of makeup and my Easter-blue lingerie. I climbed into bed and got all cozy under the weighted blanket before he called. When I opened the FaceTime, I just LOVED seeing him. His smile is truly so special, open and warm and joyful—just the face you want to see when you’re ready to get naked over video for the first time.

“Let me see you,” he said, not dommy but definitely hungry. I snuggled down into the blankets and said “not yet!”

We caught up a little more, ranging from pillow talk to logistics.

“Would you ever move to________________?” he asked, his voice a little feverish.

“Uh, no. I love (my city) so much, I never want to live anywhere else!”

(That’s not strictly true, I might not need to live here forever, but let’s just take a moment to appreciate the life I’ve made in the ten years since my divorce! My friendships, my business and other work, my neighbors. There’s even a Unitarian Church I can turn to when grief arises! A life.)

Unhelpful geography aside, the chitchat got me ready to lower the blankets. It felt good to move aside the lace of my nightie and slowly, lazily touch my nipples as he watched. I found a way to prop up the phone so he could mostly see me and I could have the use of both of my hands. I picked up the phone and put it above me so he could see my whole rosy, pleased self. I wanted him to see all of me.

“Get rid of the panties,” he said after I pulled them aside to reveal (at least, I hoped he could see) my soaking wet clit. I reluctantly complied—I love the feeling of pulled-aside undies. But if he wanted to see everything, he was going to see everything.

Mr. Long Distance Is a Dear, Part One

 

I usually try to just hit on people who are within a half-hour or so, but the algorithm gets me sometimes. Sometimes I can’t resist hitting on someone who’s far away. He’s creative, he has a warm and welcoming face, and we even have a couple of friends in common.

The warmth was just as warm in his texts. I was so charmed that I didn’t even notice him telling me he’s allergic to cats! And I’m up to three now! I’m amazed I’m getting any writing done at all, with a kitten in the house!

Mr. Long Distance and I had a Facetime date, and his smile was so arresting that I stopped working on my puzzle! He gleamed at me. He teased, asked thoughtful questions, and made me giggle. His life fascinates me so much—there is absolutely nothing sexier than a guy who has a lot going on!

I was thinking he was about two hours away, far but not unheard-of for such a catch! But in reality, it’s like four hours. And he doesn’t drive. And the train makes his tummy hurt. But he could fly! It was such a nice fantasy, the long distance love affair that Get Up Kids songs are made of!

Even after he reminded me that he wouldn’t be able to stay with me when he visits because of the cats, I was still IN. He’s so easy and sweet to talk to. He made me cute-nervous, not that anxious performance-y nervousness that that plagues so much of my dating life. Instead of jumping out of my skin, I felt grounded and peaceful. No dithering, no hustling for attention.

“I’m bored, entertain me,” he said one afternoon when I was packing up for work. I sent him a fairly-chaste-but-lacy pic from the Hidden Folder and just sending it filled me with energy and hope. So I asked him if he’d like to try for some sexy video time the next night. He said yes!

I’ve never had sex over video chat before! I’ve made videos for myself before, and once for that guy who ended up telling me I was bad at virtual sex! So I was nervous, but also curious and so turned on! I knew just what I would wear, Easter blue. I did my nails to match. I felt glowy with possibility! I really hoped his dick would be as beautiful as the rest of him. Spoiler alert, it was!