Dear Ribbons: Does Jealousy Mean I Have to Give Up This Hottie?!

 

Would you like some advice and praise? Write in please! Tell your story at thekittencalendar.blogspot.com and put “Dear Ribbons” in the subject line!

Dear Ribbons,

What do I do about jealousy? My newish play partner is a total hottie. Half of me is genuinely happy for them and just feels like they should have everything they want in this life and just have people tell them they’re cute all day, and half of me is like oh my god, they really do have so many lovers. And I know if I continue down the casual sex road, many people I sleep with are gonna 100% be sleeping with other people.

Do I have to give up my popular hottie?

Love,

Aspiring Compersionist

Dear Aspiring,

First, the bad news: jealousy isn’t just for casual cuties! It crops up in all relationships! Just like all the other emotions, we have to learn to welcome and listen to jealousy, because fighting it and trying to get rid of it will only make it stronger. I am so bad at this! Some of the relationship moments I’m most ashamed of have come from jealousy, but I think I’m getting better with time and practice—you can too!

Let’s open up The Artist’s Way and remind ourselves what Julia Cameron has to say:

 

I’ve carried the phrase “Jealousy is a map” with me for twenty years, but that last line is hitting home in a new way this morning! “When you learn to harness its fierce energy on your behalf, jealousy is part of the fuel toward a greener and more verdant future.”

I think that’s so true! Though I will forever relish being petty about Mrs. Shy One’s 475,000 year birthday week, I have to admit it inspired me to expand my own! For almost a month, I celebrated in new and old ways, making quality time with old friends, new friends, and one only-around-for-a-week-but-very-charming-and-beautiful-friend! Jealousy map for the win!

But come on, let’s be honest, jealousy fucking SUCKS! I don’t understand why it make me feel like I’m gonna DIE sometimes! It seems really maladaptive for jealousy to inspire such fight or flight when there’s no real danger!

But sometimes, too, when there is real danger! I can think of at least one time when jealous flight tried to save me from a WHOLE lot of horror. How can we even tell the difference!?

This is all complicated by the fact that, I think, the poly community has a tendency towards emotional perfectionism. I think we like to see ourselves as constantly benevolent, generous, and communal, somehow above the less-cute human relationship pitfalls. As much as we give lip-service to “processing” jealousy, I think it’s way easier sometimes to perform uncomplicated compersion, even to the point of self-erasure.

So here’s the frame I think would work best, Aspiring:

1.     Jealousy can help us articulate desires we may not have even known existed! Yay!

2.     Jealousy feels terrible. It feels bad to feel it! Yuck!

3.     Jealousy can sometimes guide us away from situations where a potential partner doesn’t have the time or bandwidth we need. But it doesn’t necessarily mean that! Take your time, follow your intuition, use your judgement.

4.     Find partners who are open to talking about jealousy! In fact, let’s all talk about it more! I would love to learn to view jealousy not as a failure or a taboo, but as a natural part of connection.

I hate to keep coming back to The Guest House, but make jealousy some tea and let it in. It’s exhausting to keep trying to hold the door closed.

Expansively,

Pretty Ribbons

Dear Ribbons: Is a "Hoe Phase" Worth the Risk?

 

I feel like The Guest House might be annoying advice to get, but it's maybe the best advice ever.

Would you like some advice and praise? Write in please! Tell your story at thekittencalendar.blogspot.com and put “Dear Ribbons” in the subject line!

Dear Ms. Ribbons,

I met someone and we had passionate, awesome sex. I was really affected by it. We talked about intense things and really connected. I was with them nearly all day both times we were together. Overall it was a very intense experience for me even though it was theoretically casual.

 

I feel like emotionally and physically it’s taken a full week to recover from seeing them. I’ve been unable to work much or focus or maintain any conversations not about this person for days. 

 

I feel at a crossroads. Personally I want to have a hoe phase and I’m definitely attracted to a lot of people, and my desire is pretty ferocious and I feel pretty desperate to get out there and explore. I feel like my need to be with more people and try things is at the center of my life rn.

 

 But I don’t know if I can do what just happened over again. If it’s going to feel like that every time to have great sex it might be too much. I’m especially worried about exploring kink and the kinds of sex that are likely to be especially vulnerable and have lots of emotional feedback.

 

I’m also kind of confused about how to take this hookup that just happened and wondering if it means something that it hit me so hard.

 

Is casual sex not for me? What can I do to stop the pleasurable part of my life from overtaking the other things in my life that are important to me? What’s a kind of jealous and sensitive person who doesn’t want to use that stuff as a crutch to do lol

 

Curiously,

 

Twitterpated

 

Dear Twitterpated,

 

Thank you so much for writing to me! I’m so honored to be a part of this profound thing that happened to you!

 

First, in the spirit of Judge Chutkin, let’s take the temperature down a little. Not on the lovey-dovey emotions! Let’s keep those ablaze. The thing you’re feeling is, I think, one of the main reasons we’re here on this cool planet.

 

But please talk to your self-judgement and ask it to simmer down a bunch! Let’s do that old therapy trick of—what if this were happening to a friend? If one of your besties came to you distracted, confused, besotted, you’d greet them with curiosity and joy. You wouldn’t rush them to define things, urge them to be sensible, remind them of their other priorities.  If this were happening to a friend, you would just be with them where they are. See if you can give yourself a little bit of that friendly grace.

 

There are no prerequisites for a “hoe phase.” By all means, just have it!!!!! You absolutely do not have to meet some imaginary standard of casualness to slut it up! Plenty of people will be as hot for your romantic nature as they are for all of your other very hot qualities!

 

And, you can take all the time you need to absorb the beauty, pleasure, synchronicity, and meaning of passionate awesome sex with this very special human! You don’t need any permission, label, or ticket to the Relationship Escalator in order for this experience to mean a lot to you—it just DOES!

 

Give yourself space for this. It’s so big!

 

I for one CANNOT understand people who breeze through sex and love and kink like it’s no big deal! It’s a big fucking deal! Our bodies are there! With our hearts, minds, and souls! Do anything you want to in order to internalize and honor this ordinary miracle that happened to you! That you helped create!

 

Please try not to worry about being too jealous, too sensitive, too ANYTHING. Let yourself experience this moment as EXACTLY YOU.

 

I can’t tell you what to do about the current person except this: Talk to them. See how they feel and feel how you feel. You might like to swirl around in these lovely emotions for a while! Or you might let them go and look for someone(s) even more right for you.

 

I trust you with this precious thing, your precious heart! I promise, you’ll know what to do.

 

Your comrade in twitterpation,

 Pretty Ribbons

Dear Ribbons! My Date Will Be Here in Ten Minutes Annnnnddddd…

 

Trust the Pink Haze of Horniness!

If you would like some heartfelt and experienced-but-nonexpert advice and love, etiquette, grief, self-compassion, and/ or what emojis to use, please write to me! Email thekittencalendar@gmail.com and put Dear Ribbons in the subject line. I promise to love you and your story, and to steer us both/all towards optimism, self-love, liberation, hope, and hotness!

Dear Ribbons,

I have a super exciting date coming up with a cutie I met while traveling who is coming to visit my town. I’m monogamous and they’re not, but we both are interested in casual but ongoing sex. I checked my date’s Feeld and it said they’re looking to hookup with people in [my city]. I know they’re poly but I was more hurt than I expected to be? Even though I’m also on this dating app! I am trying to get my emotions together and close down the tiny part of me that was like ‘it would be cool to really date someone like this.’

 

Help?

 

Love,

Can I Please Just Get (Safely!) Tied Up?

 

First and foremost!! No closing down any parts of you, no matter how tiny! I’m glad you listened to your heartful hesitance and sent me the question! It is, as my Gen-Z niece would say, extremely valid!

 

We’ll get back to the heartfelt hesitance in a bit, but first let’s get your ass out the door!

 

It’s so vexing, isn’t it, that the cuties in our lives would be attracted to ANYONE but us! Look at us! We’re so cute! But even if this weren’t a poly/casual date, we don’t get any claim on the rest of their weekend. I know! What the heck, right? There’ll be time to figure out what it all means, what you mean to each other, how often you’ll find “work trips” to take to their town, etc.

 

But this is not that time! Get your body near the cute person and see what you feel! Trust in the pink glow of horniness to guide you forward for now!

 

(If this were a situation where exclusivity might eventually be on the table, I’d say have that conversation about five to seven dates in, unless you get a strong intuition about it before that. If you’re me, you’d know faster probably!)

 

Back to the “it would be cool to really date someone like this.” part—pay attention to that information. Start making a mental collage about what a lovely relationship would look like. Learn by doing, by stepping into grey areas, by listening to what your mind, body and spirit tell you about this particular person and about partnerships in general. Trust yourself!

 

Whether this particular connection sparks or fizzles today or in six weeks or in ten years, try to remember that dating is something you’re doing for yourself, rather than an assessment of your worth or charm. It’s way easier said than done, but it’s a reframe that will ease the inevitable anxious moments of dating.

 

Somewhere, my Summer Therapist applauds the advice I’ve just given you and also myself.

 

Worth and Charm Forever,

Pretty Ribbons

Happy Frilly Friday! Introducing Dear Ribbons, A Nonexpert Advice Column

 

I have a shoulder injury that makes me leery about getting back to ropes, so darn I'll just have keep getting frilly! 

Friends, I’ve been having the nicest week helping a friend of mine get their mind ready for an anticipated date! They are going on a picnic! I absolutely adore giving out advice and cheerleading when asked. Plus helping my pals steer themselves toward their slutty dreams helps me steer my own life better, too!

So if you would like some heartfelt and experienced-but-nonexpert advice on love, etiquette, grief, self-compassion, and/ or what emojis to use, please write to me! Email thekittencalendar@gmail.com and put Dear Ribbons in the subject line. I promise to love you and your story, and to steer us both/all towards optimism, self-love, liberation, hope, and hotness!