A Helpful Mini-Adventure With a Lovely King

 

Last week, when I was deep in my angst about neighbor stuff, a very handsome and distinguished gentleman pinged my Feeld. He said he's a dom and would love to try for a rope thing with me! I fought the OCD that was telling me to NEVER LIKE ANYONE AGAIN and said hello. I'm so glad I did.

On the phone, there was instant chemistry, instant brainstorming of scenes. He called me his princess, he called me a Good Girl, and most importantly, he told me he thinks I have more agency than I think I have. Since I frequently feel helpless about compulsions and fate, agency lit a spark in my mind that's been lighting my way these snowy, sleepy days.

From the moment I took TGNS's hand and placed it on my head, my submissive side has been guiding me, and Lovely King felt like an extension of that energy that kindled in me back on Leftovers Night. Like a bright thread I can follow, telling me to bow down and recognize the vastness.

Lovely King and I planned a date, but it was a little further out than I would've liked. I asked him if he would help with my Bowing Down to Love Itself project, and he agreed. Each day after I got in my cozy floor-nest and did my Child's Pose with a hand on the back of my head, after I relaxed in the vastness of love and the stretches in my body, I'd text the Lovely King and tell him I'd submitted to love, tell him how I was feeling. Sent pretty pictures sometimes.

He responded each time with a "good girl" and was very dutiful with the "good mornings," though not with the goodnights. I knew he was only beginning his adventures, and we were only beginning ours, but without much friendly chitchat between praises, the situation started to feel cold.

Friends!! I told him how I was feeling! Without fleeing or panicking! Huzzah! I said I liked more chattiness from a potential dom, and I while I like sharing, I don't like the feeling of being one of many.

He confirmed the one-of-manyness and said he didn't have bandwidth for what I need, but wanted to keep in touch! Which was so nice! But not the right way to go. I am so, SO proud of myself for making this choice! For making choices like a person who believes in love. 

Self-respect is HARD y'all. But practicing submission by bowing down to Love Itself feels like something nobody else should be walking me through. It's a project to do with my own hurt and hopeful heart, with quiet and candles, Girl Scout cookies and nice lotions and all this miraculous snowday free time.

Love has me. It has scooped me up like my own personal Totoro. It's hard to keep that faith, but I can keep the ritual. That's enough for now.

Making Out in Front of a Romcom and Other Perfect Things: Part Three

 

It took so much thinking about this night to realize that it's a classic body adventure, like way back at the beginning of this blog! I've never had sex all the way high before! Mostly it just gave me an excuse to be more lovey-dovey, more free, more ridiculously myself. And to have way too much fun listening to my two favorite albums.

Before I take us there though, this story will always be incomplete because I don't know ANYTHING about what it was like to be inside The Southern Charmer's head. He told me a few days afterwards that he felt like he'd moved too fast into sex after his breakup, but I don't have any more insight than that. I really really hope that, even though it was emotionally complicated, he had an equal amount of fun. Otherwise it's just not fair!

"Could we go cuddle upstairs?" I asked breathlessly after so SO many kisses. Finding out what happens to Adam Brody and Kristin Bell would have to wait until another day. I asked if it was okay to put on Frank Ocean's Blonde and SC said of course.

I became a puddle of warmth with him. It was the first time in SO LONG that I'd been allowed to take my time, to savor the before-sex things. As we kissed and cuddled and petted and our feet tickled and our legs intertwined, I thought "Wow, Frank Ocean uses the word "love" a lot. While love might not have been the story of this encounter, it was certainly the right name for this state of being.

I don't think love has to look like star-crossed romance. I think it can also be the exquisite joy of holding onto a friend's meticulously sculpted back, tangled up in his pretty arms. Loving the sensations. Loving him in a right now way, and loving myself for letting go of The Quest long enough to enjoy him, and let him enjoy me.

I was alert enough to skip the track where Frank Ocean's mom tells us not to do drugs. I didn't fully lose myself to the lovey-dovey atmosphere. I knew it was brain chemicals being magical and kind and benevolent and giving me a break for like five fucking seconds. This was my version of becoming human lofi, except hungrier for him.

Frank became a little too much and I switched to another favorite album, Childish Gambino's Atavista, which starts out sounding like the Stranger Things theme song but does eventually get dreamy. "Is this Donald Glover?" scoffed The Southern Charmer, but he let not-favorite-of-his record play, a sacrifice I could never make.

I was so happy when it was time to be naked! I'd never met The Southern Charmer's dick the first time around, wasn't even sure he was a penis-having person, until I was. When he stood up to get a condom from my drawer ("I LOVE my drawer so much!" is a thing I said aloud in front of this very cute human being.) his dick stuck straight forward, pointing out from his black briefs like a dowsing rod.

SC and I kept chatting about music, the eternal question of whether Childish Gambino was a bit or not. There were moments when I found him surprisingly like boyfriend material, like before when he'd told me he was reading How the Word is Passed, or when he told me his workout regimen was because he usually dates bigger girls and he wants to be able to help if there's an emergency. (Maybe this was bullshit or MAYBE some of these fit guys who match with me AREN'T trying to take me on a weight-loss journey?!)

Anyway, back to his dolphin/compass of a dick. He was sitting up while I lay back splayed out for him, warm as a day at the beach.

"What do you want to do?" I asked.

Happy Frilly Friday! Introducing Dear Ribbons, A Nonexpert Advice Column

 

I have a shoulder injury that makes me leery about getting back to ropes, so darn I'll just have keep getting frilly! 

Friends, I’ve been having the nicest week helping a friend of mine get their mind ready for an anticipated date! They are going on a picnic! I absolutely adore giving out advice and cheerleading when asked. Plus helping my pals steer themselves toward their slutty dreams helps me steer my own life better, too!

So if you would like some heartfelt and experienced-but-nonexpert advice on love, etiquette, grief, self-compassion, and/ or what emojis to use, please write to me! Email thekittencalendar@gmail.com and put Dear Ribbons in the subject line. I promise to love you and your story, and to steer us both/all towards optimism, self-love, liberation, hope, and hotness!

Frilly Friday: Pool Blue and the Beautiful Melancholy

 

It’s been a lovely week in the world of body love! How could it not be, with all the sparkly femme Barbie vibes in the air. 95% of my brain power is currently taken up planning my outfit for the movies tonight! Speaking of frilly! Plus, I feel like I’ve fully reclaimed the pool, and they even added a lap lane!

After all those useful and painful paragraphs last week, making lazy art with pretty stuff feels like a balm. This is the first piece of fancy, grown-up lingerie I bought for myself, and the shift in mindset is almost as powerful as when I realized I could find new songs for myself without boys making me mixtapes! (Oooh but remember the Princely One’s dreamy Afrobeat picks though!? Let me now get swoonily sidetracked…)

The cups are a size too big, but as soon as I tried it on last Friday, I knew I didn’t want to be separated from this gorgeousness long enough to make an exchange. I love lingerie so much—the tulle feels so cool and delicate against my sweaty summer skin. The lace and embroidery and so shiny and tickly and exciting! Like the dear ropes, it’s like a hug I can give myself, just softer and less crafty/labor-intensive.

After I took the pictures though, sadness settled over me instead of horniness. I’ve been lonely these past few weeks, friends are away and there’s been a few too many (sometimes some is too many) “On This Day” reminders from last summer. The thing about these self-hugs is that they relax me into all different kinds of releases.

So instead of getting out the toys or hitting the search terms, I turned out the light, pulled the comforter over my fancy self, squeezed my Snorlax Squishmallow, and felt all the things.

Because And Just Like That has a new season, I remembered that I’m already familiar with this feeling—remember Carrie sad in a Paris hotel bed, swirled in that Versace gown?

Just like that but gorgeously fat and under forty bucks. Though I was sad, a warmth traveled through my body, concentrated on my heart and soul. This is what it’s like to love myself! And my dating break is over in just three days!

Yay it’s Frilly Friday!

 

Is using Prisma capitulating to the robots? Maybe! This bodysuit is from the Christmas box and I really love it because! It's long enough that the crotch snaps don't immediately unsnap! If I scooch down the top, (the lace is so stimulating!) it's very nice to sleep in too!

Part of my Fat Liberation process has been learning that I’m worthy of beautiful and specific clothes. For most of my life, my choices have been so limited and now suddenly there are choices! And there are beautiful, sexy fat people all over my socials. My gorgeous city even has its own facebook community specifically for practicing/celebrating/enjoying our fat bodies.

I’ve already written so much about what The Shy One’s beautiful Christmastime box of all different lingerie meant to me, but the abundance of it is really so profound. As a fat woman, some parts of beauty and pleasure have long felt unavailable to me and now, suddenly, there it all is!

Last week, after Dumb Fatphobic Lap Lane Thing happened at the pool, I asked my body what I could do to pay her back for all the things she puts up with, all the things she is and does for me. And in that moment, the Instagram algorithm did its knowing-me-too-well-sometimes thing and showed me a beautiful pool-blue, floral embroidered babydoll set. I definitely clicked through! You can see it next Friday!

Over the past month or so, I’ve been working my way through the Christmas lingerie box, enjoying, then sleeping in, then gently washing, then hanging up Marie-Kondo-neatly each beautiful set. This was one of the things I wished for as I set out on my grief journey back in February, and now the time is here! Oh Frilly Things, we’ve made it! We lived!

Plus, I have plenty of other cute slutty stuff in my collection!

So on Fridays, I’ll show you a glimpse of how cute I am when I’m loving myself! I hope you enjoy it, I know I will!