OMG! Briefly Unbored By Dating, Part Three

 

That Thursday of my brain yelling at me, I felt detached from my life, unable to connect with the things I normally enjoy. I couldn't feel the wonderful day-to-day because this one thing was unresolved. Though I was outwardly just moving through my workday, I felt desperate, emotionally ravenous, ragged and ugly.

OCD trying to kick my ass because someone hasn't texted back is one of the most miserable feelings I've ever experienced. I hate it so much.

During the Shy One times, which yes I would loooove to stop referring to, when I felt a vibe shift or he hadn't written back in a half a day or so, when I was feeling so inferior to his wife, when my brain was being so mean to me, I tried to change things. I'd try to make him into a more attentive texter. There were BDSM-style negotiations. I'd cry/get mad/manipulate for at least a heads up when he was going to go radio silent. But that's not how moods work, or how life works, I know.

I still think it's reasonable to have a preference about texting style and often-ness, but I would someday love for my brain to not turn against me when someone I really like is not communicating right at that moment. That's what exposure therapy is for, and waiting for Not Boring Guy to write back was a great way to practice, just the way my weights routine is making my wonky knee stronger.

After the long day of exposure therapy/waiting, he wrote to say "Sorry, I was out of town on a date."

Friends! This is someone I've never met, I'd only heard his lovely deep voice and seen cute pictures. It feels very silly to say I felt heartbroken. He said the seriousness of the date was TBD, but he would keep me posted.

TBD! Oh great, another chance to practice "sitting with uncertainty" as the OCD therapist says. I'm sorry, but sometimes uncertainty can just bite me.

When the TBD was determined, I genuinely felt happy for him, but I definitely wasn't in the mood to play Compersion Barbie, I cried into the dishes and felt WHY IS IT NEVER ME feelings. 

But then, I took care of myself! I lit a candle and lit some jasmine incense. (Special interest side-trip: it says "night blooming jasmine" on David Lynch's tombstone and that phrase is so pretty. Like the opposite of an intrusive thought!) I did some self-compassion journaling: mindfulness, common humanity, loving kindness. It felt good to treat myself lovingly, even though OCD kept offering me unhelpful opinions.

The next day, I woke up feeling like a superhero. I was still sad but also so glad to have felt totally gaga about someone for a few days. I felt like I handled the situation with honesty, dignity, and grace. Honestly, I just love myself so much sometimes! It felt so good to plug back in to work and friends and all the other kinds of love, maybe a little bit stronger for the next adventure.