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“Dear Ribbons” in the subject line!
Dear Ribbons,
What do I do about jealousy?
My newish play partner is a total hottie. Half of me is genuinely happy for
them and just feels like they should have everything they want in this life and
just have people tell them they’re cute all day, and half of me is like oh my god,
they really do have so many lovers. And I know if I continue down the casual
sex road, many people I sleep with are gonna 100% be sleeping with other
people.
Do I have to give up my popular
hottie?
Love,
Aspiring Compersionist
Dear Aspiring,
First, the bad news:
jealousy isn’t just for casual cuties! It crops up in all relationships! Just
like all the other emotions, we have to learn to welcome and listen to
jealousy, because fighting it and trying to get rid of it will only make it
stronger. I am so bad at this! Some of the relationship moments I’m most
ashamed of have come from jealousy, but I think I’m getting better with time
and practice—you can too!
Let’s open up The Artist’s
Way and remind ourselves what Julia Cameron has to say:
I’ve carried the phrase “Jealousy
is a map” with me for twenty years, but that last line is hitting home in a new
way this morning! “When you learn to harness its fierce energy on your behalf,
jealousy is part of the fuel toward a greener and more verdant future.”
I think that’s so true! Though
I will forever relish being petty about Mrs. Shy One’s 475,000 year birthday
week, I have to admit it inspired me to expand my own! For almost a month, I
celebrated in new and old ways, making quality time with old friends, new
friends, and one only-around-for-a-week-but-very-charming-and-beautiful-friend!
Jealousy map for the win!
But come on, let’s be
honest, jealousy fucking SUCKS! I don’t understand why it make me feel like I’m
gonna DIE sometimes! It seems really maladaptive for jealousy to inspire such
fight or flight when there’s no real danger!
But sometimes, too, when
there is real danger! I can think of at least one time when jealous flight tried
to save me from a WHOLE lot of horror. How can we even tell the difference!?
This is all complicated by
the fact that, I think, the poly community has a tendency towards emotional perfectionism.
I think we like to see ourselves as constantly benevolent, generous, and
communal, somehow above the less-cute human relationship pitfalls. As much as
we give lip-service to “processing” jealousy, I think it’s way easier sometimes
to perform uncomplicated compersion, even to the point of self-erasure.
So here’s the frame I
think would work best, Aspiring:
1. Jealousy can help us articulate desires we may
not have even known existed! Yay!
2. Jealousy feels terrible. It feels bad to feel it!
Yuck!
3. Jealousy can sometimes guide us away from
situations where a potential partner doesn’t have the time or bandwidth we need.
But it doesn’t necessarily mean that! Take your time, follow your intuition,
use your judgement.
4. Find partners who are open to talking about
jealousy! In fact, let’s all talk about it more! I would love to learn to view
jealousy not as a failure or a taboo, but as a natural part of connection.
I hate to keep coming
back to The Guest House, but make jealousy some tea and let it in. It’s
exhausting to keep trying to hold the door closed.
Expansively,
Pretty Ribbons
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