4. I want submission.
Near the beginning of the summer (Before it was even
Kate Bush Summer!) I was on a mini-road-trip to The Fancy Garden with Rainbow
Pal. I haven’t gotten to write about them yet, but they’ve been central to
helping me dream up the creative sluttiness of the past couple of months. We’re
both tenderhearted artists and I believe we might be platonic soulmates—they’re
right up there with Angel Face when it comes to transformative friendships.
Anyway, as I was driving us home, they were telling me
about a dom they used to have, and WHOOSH I remembered.
The hush of letting someone take over control. The
precious, adorable feeling of being small, so small I’m almost nothing. And yet,
seen in a slutty, delightedly filthy way that really
happens to me so rarely. As anyone who reads me knows, I’ve been playfully
spanked, had my hair pulled, been called a “good girl” during rough blow job
practice, but none of it was THAT FEELING. Surrender. Pushing myself to bend
and please. And that clearheaded feeling the next day, the one I didn’t realize
I’d been missing.
And the DAY AFTER that conversation with Rainbow Pal,
I ran into The Song Sender at the movies. So many aspects of subbing that I LOVED
him for in 2011 came back again, and so many new games and desires sprouted up
in my filthy heart. I assigned myself homework. I told him lovely, rough-to-sweet,
elaborate slutty stories, fiction and not, in person and over text. I lost my
mind and sent him poems about mystical submission to god. Aaaaaaaallllllllll
the pictures I sent him, naked and not.
It’s confusing to have felt so seen by someone who
will also never actually see me at all. To have been so fulfilled by someone
who both feared and actively got off on disappointing me.
Somehow, in all of that, I got a taste of what a loving
dom might feel like. I don’t know if it will be in the context of a romantic
relationship (I hope so!) or if it will be its own thing. I’ll never find anyone
to replace The Song Sender, yay and sob, but I hope to find a kinder, deeper,
more sustainable version of that beautiful, BEAUTIFUL feeling.
5. I WANT ROMANCE and synchronicity.
The night I had dinner with The Shy One and we decided
to be some kind of a thing again, it was like eleven million degrees out. But
he’s not a PDA guy, so I had to put him in my car to kiss him. We kissed like
it has been two years instead of two months. He smelled so him,
and we were both dressed up so nice for dinner, and we were SWEATING. But it
was so hard to let him get out of the car.
People get so tripped up by the word romance. I
think it freaks a lot of people out because they think it’s about wedding
dresses, and babies, and all the other Relationship Escalator things. Those
things ARE a kind of romance, but they’re not what I mean.
Back to that road trip with the submission conversation,
Rainbow Pal and I talked a lot about the Romance of Life, and that’s what I
mean that I want. Beauty, sensuality, pleasure, awe, those things are all around
us, whether we are partnered or not. When The Song Sender wasn’t passing the
Turing Test or when somebody I wanted to date turns out to have been a hookup,
I still always have flowers, the ocean, the intricacies of clouds.
There’s always a song that comes along and gives the
exact right message. There’s always the advice I give myself in dreams. There’s
always the Tarot deck to unstick my imagination when it’s getting stagnant.
I love the romantic moments I share with partners,
like when The Shy One texts me flowers, but I’m also SO GRATEFUL that this list
item is one I can keep giving myself.
6. And to that end, I want to keep dating myself.
It was one of my 10 goals for 2022, and it has opened my world up maybe more than
any other goal ever. I would love to keep giving myself the beautiful moments I
deserve. Each time, I know a little deeper that I deserve them.
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