As I’ve been going through some old unicorn and/or metamour stories (What a very nice assignment I gave myself!) two things became clear: 1. I’ve been a little reluctant to admit the kinds of closeness I wanted because 2. My early adventures are steeped in the confusion and grief of my divorce from BFF-Formerly-Sweetie.
Looking back at the story of The Steampunks (This gold-star
breakup that didn’t really take is a good example: https://kittencalendar.blogspot.com/2013/07/a-girl-crush-wall-of-grief-and-gold.html?zx=592a17ae48503cbd
) I had forgotten I was drawn to both of them. I only pursued him, though, partly
because I was hankering for dudes after all my time on Lesbian Island trying to
fight the bi-ness, but partly because it’s easier for me to learn one person,
at least at first.
But I also had this imagined binary in my head, a loyalty-like-thing
to BFF-Formerly Sweetie—I felt like an attraction to a woman was
extra-betraying her. Since I’d given attraction to men as my main reason for
divorce, it didn’t feel fair to still be attracted to women too. Embarrassingly,
I still sort of feel this way sometimes, like liking a woman would be the ultimate
betrayal of Sweetie. Being a divorced bi lady who mostly likes men is really
weird sometimes.
The couples aspect of being bi still feels too big and
too out of reach, too outside the boundaries of what I’m allowed. This isn’t
because of anything BFF-Formerly-Sweetie said then or now. Playing with a couple,
the possibility of belonging to a couple, through any combination of romance and
friendship, seems like asking for too much. Even boyfriend-and-beloved-friend-metamour(s)
seems too much to hope for, but I hope to learn to let myself own that wish.
In my gratitude for The Steampunks and the perspective
that’s come from the last nine years I forgot how painful the breakups from
them (There were four different breakups from Steampunk Guy, I just couldn’t
stay away. This is part of why I’ve gotten good at staying away now.) were, how
much it hurt to be told I couldn’t play with him after I divorced--“We only
play with partnered people.” is truly one of the cruelest poly rules I’ve
encountered.
I can see why the tears poured out when I was worried
about Mrs. Shy One vetoing me, about not truly fitting into The Shy One’s life—those
fears were mixed up with divorce grief and shame at wanting so badly to be
approved of and the losses and indignities that came from past couples.
But every dater, every human, is walking around with
past griefs and indignities. Though I’ve been journaling about past
constellations privately, I don’t want to spend too much time focusing on the
losses of the past, on the bitternesses that bloom out of couple privilege and
my own mistakes and garden-variety thoughtlessness. If I did that, I would truly
never make it to the next snuggle.
Instead, if I should encounter another couple I’m
wildly drawn to, I’d like to give myself the compassion and space to absorb
those emotions, to acknowledge the monumental size and power of that particular
want. I’d like to learn to believe that a loving couple or
boyfriend-and-metamour(s) romance is something I deserve to hope for. Of
course, that doesn’t guarantee that I’ll get it, but if I do, I’ll do my best
to welcome it in with kindness and an expansive heart, and most of all, a deep
and boundless care for my tender self.
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