I know letting go of the things that don’t work makes
way for more awesomeness. That’s even one of my affirmations for this year! I
have been doing a pretty good job moving forward, cheerfully doing my swiping
and “Good morning”ing on the apps and smiling at most of the people I see out
in the world. Of course, if I’m inside, I’m smiling with just my eyes because
Omicron is a jerk.
But in my heart, I haven’t let go of This Charming Man.
We haven’t had contact since day of the ill-fated Fancy Garden trip, but most
of the time I low-key wish I could just go wait on his porch until he comes
home. Or even-
He keeps an open cage with a blanket in it on his porch
for when his favorite half-feral cat comes to visit. I don’t think cats need
pseudonyms, his name is Hank. I sometimes want to shrink down to Hank-size and
curl up in there for This Charming Man. Not to be any less wild myself, just to
be near him. Even just to be near the idea of him.
The afternoon of the Winter Solstice, freshly un-quarantined
from a blessedly mild breakthrough Covid infection, I went to the Fancy Gardens
on my own to feel some awe at the Christmas lights and commune with the places
along the way where that November 11th seventh date fell apart. In
those places, it wasn’t just heartbreak that filled me up, but also a solemn acknowledgement.
Those places, even the Kohl’s parking lot on the way there where I cried because
he told me he never thinks about people when they aren’t around, felt
(annoyingly) important.
“You’re shaking” he said that day as he held me in the
front seat of my car, close but already unreachable. I was shaking. My love and
loss were profound.
“I was so careful this time,” But I really wasn’t.
What even IS careful when there are ropes and bodies and pasts and politics and
deadly diseases and painful scars and cultural gaslighting?
What even IS careful when I’d spent however-many
months not touching or being touched at all? When elbow high-fives, even as
mathematically inaccurate as they are, had become a normal and welcome thrill?
I wasn’t careful. I got tangled up and it was way too
beautiful to regret.
But I hope it won’t be too long before I can leave the
cozy open cage of love and venture openhearted into new adventures. Maybe I’ll
swipe right on the right smile tomorrow or maybe it’ll be a long, longingful
year—there’s only so much about my heart’s fate that I can control. For now, I’m
just a little bit waiting for him all the time. Sometimes, a silent little
prayer of “Please come back” reverberates inside my head. I know it shouldn’t,
but it does.
I sent away for these ropes in an optimistic fit of
pre-New-Years mise en place. They came with a weird industrial smell so
I put them in a pillowcase and threw them in the washer. Of course they came
out of their neat coils and got all inter-tangled.
So this Knotty Thursday, I’m untangling the new topes
and melting the ends so they won’t unravel, or so they’ll unravel less. Next
week I might be a mermaid, or my own bunny, or just a lady who is somewhat
better at a particular knot. Happy New Year! <3 <3 <3
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