A Strange and Lovely Day Part Two: Some Literal Fireworks

Steampunk Guy texted that I should wear a butt plug to the class, but I confessed that I still didn’t have a wearable one. I forgot to mention that it wasn’t a hands-on class, but I don’t think he would’ve cared. The class was at a toy shop, I did start to think that if I found the right one, it might be fun to wear it to the party.

I learned a lot in ass-class. My favorite fun fact was that it’s easier to relax your ass if you relax your jaw. That’s a handy one since I know I need more day-today relaxation if this project is going to turn out as well as I want it to.

I think I’m proud that, when the teacher asked if she could skip one section of her lesson, I was the lady who piped up and said “I would like to hear about enemas.”

Take that, shame! I want to make everything nice.

All in all, I was really glad I’d signed up—it helped me to feel much more oriented and also gave me an excuse to buy some more pillows.

Lots of people stayed after to ask more questions, but I went downstairs to shop. “Do you have a butt plug I can walk around with?” is another thing I’m proud to have said, especially when I consider that two years ago when I started this project, I had a pretty strong fear of sex toys.

I ended up going with a little metal one because I’d heard women recommend them so often and because it looked just like a piece of jewelry. A text came through from SG suggesting that I get a glass one and warning me that the ones in the case are superexpensive, and I gleefully texted back:

“My ass deserves the ones in the case! :D”

It was a little expensive, but the very least I could do for a body part that I spent nearly four decades ignoring—it deserves everything. SG is kind of the-ones-in-the-case himself, come to think of it.

Since my life is odd, I got picked up from this happy errand by my ex-wife, who’d brought me supper. She listened as I chattered excitedly on about the class and the toy. Getting to spend that quality time with her made a fantastic day even better, even if I did feel guilty for not having driven myself. I guess I’ll have to soon enough.

I stopped home to change and texted Pretty Slave to ask if there was any reason not to wear my new toy to the party. She said she didn’t think so, so in it went, chilly for a second but not in a bad way.

As has been documented here, my driving is not necessarily awesome enough to support an altered state, but I did just fine. The hum of the car and the gentle pressure of the Little Metal Thing gave me warm spots all over my body—my knees, my shoulder blades, my blushing face. It was an all-over mood lifter, kinda like one little hit of really good pot.

In front of me on the highway, there was a fireworks display going on in a nearby town. Each burst made me feel lucky and loved by the universe. Just as I got to their exit, the grand finale came, bright and insistent. (I’m still talking about literal fireworks.) I wondered if the folks at the party were gathered outside watching (probably not) but it kinda felt like the fireworks were just for me.

Next: I go ahead and tell them to find a sex loophole.

The Best! Possible! Email! Ten Minutes of Fireworks to Celebrate!

I am reinstated to my full time position at the school that is my heart's home. That means benefits and being able to afford my own place sooner! I am so happy I could explode.

What Divorce Is Like So Far

It’s hard to write about divorce without ending up using clichés, so forgive me.

Although there’s a lot of sadness between Sweetie and me, it feels like all of the tension is gone from us. After the drama of breaking the news to family and friends, we settled into what I hope is a grief-muted version of our future friendship.

For sleeping arrangements, we take turns for who gets the bed and who gets the foldout couch. For the most part, we’ve stopped snuggling, even during snooze-alarm time. We still walk around naked in front of each other and she’s still beautiful, maybe more beautiful now that I know she’s got a chance of being happier some day. We got a second air-conditioner so that all of the sorting we need to do can be done in relative comfort.

There aren’t any more reasons to fight, so our time together is punctuated by sad kindness. She still listens encouragingly about everything and still sends luck when I go out on job interviews. If I’m going to aim for independence, I guess I might have to get out of the habit of calling her whenever something electronic isn’t making sense.

Maybe it’s wishful thinking, but most of what was toxic between us seems gone, and so is a lot of my anxiety and fear, replaced most days by a clearheaded sense of forward motion.

Once I realized we’d both be free to pursue what we really want, I stopped feeling envious of the happy couples around me and started to be inspired by them. In fact, seeing my best friend Angel Face and his new partner in full-on NRE adorableness was part of what prompted me to make the decision. I know love is a long way off for me, there’s so much to take care of first, but most days I’m pretty sure I’ll get there, and it makes it so much easier to just let everyone around me be what they are.

Although most of the time it seems like everything is moving itself forward, sometimes it does get overwhelming to think of how much has to happen to get us safely and happily to the next life. I’m laid off from the school district right now and I try not to get freaked out about how urgent my job search is. I’m pretty great at job interviews but it’s hard not to think about all of the other teachers who are out there looking too.

I look forward to being on my own, having my own apartment, remembering how to rely on myself. I see glimpses of the life that I want, it isn’t too far away, but I know I have to honor the heartbreak too. It was a relief to let go of the struggle, but so sad to let go of the daily life of us. I hope there really are parts of it that we can keep.

I do get scared that I won’t find a job, that I won’t be able to get us where we need to go.  For the past twelve years she’s taken care of us financially, but I’ve always been the one motivating us, pushing us forward, and I think that’s still true.

I can picture my own apartment, plants in the bright windowsills, a new bed with flowered sheets. I want to be there so badly but it still feels selfish, it still feels like something can make us stay here. I want to be in the new life so badly, safe and settled in and ready to heal.

Letting her go (and letting go of the idea that I had to change for her) has helped me to appreciate her and what we had, and the friendship that we eventually will have. I’ve been walking through the world knowing there’s always someone to take care of me, and that’s both a good thing and a bad thing. I’m interested to see what I can be without her over-protectiveness, without her backseat driving, but I’m grateful for how much love and care she’s given me.

This is the biggest cliché of them all, but I did this so that I could learn to love myself. I just need the strength and resources to get us out of here—I need the universe and hiring committees and landlords to cooperate and get us through, to help us to do this big loving thing for each other so that we can both be healthy and free.

Today I decided to just stop, rest, let myself feel all of the complicated things. (And watch way too many episodes of 30 Rock) I’m gonna try to do that as much as I can.

Tomorrow we’re driving up to my sister’s to hug the niece and nephews—I wanted to make sure that Sweetie knows she’s still a part of my family. My mom says to bring as many fireworks as possible, and I couldn’t agree more.

The Calendar Is Celebrating!

Because Fireguy and Firewife are on it! For week after next! I'm excited to go back to that soothing house, and I can't wait to get all pretty for them. I'm not sure what'll happen, but there's talk of cupcake-decorating. They are an amazing couple who've been together for 30 years, so I hope they'll tell me lots about their adventures together.

There's lots of other good stuff coming up too. I'm feeling really lucky this morning. Thanks for reading this and helping me to have courage.

Here are ten minutes of fireworks to celebrate: