Best Calendar Item

Just wanted to celebrate the fact that Mr. Sweetface is coming over Saturday for Mad Men and snuggles. Maybe even spanks, if I'm up to it. Could use a nice release, if my dear psyche will cooperate. Either way, warmth and man-smell, mmmmmm.

YAY Mr. Popular Tonight!

I may be confused and fussing about Mister Hazel Eyes, but I’m happy to look forward to my playing-Beatles-Rock-Band date with Mr. Popular tonight.

Last week, Mr. Popular’s wife sought me out on Ok Cupid to touch base and let me know that she and the kids would be staying at the grandparents’ tonight so there’s be no bedtime concerns and I can stay over if I want to.

For a second date. I felt so special! Like I was an event the whole family’d gotten ready for.

So, putting shakiness aside and ready to get pretty and sing my heart out. Go me. 

Things Go Haywire But a Good Scene Anyway, Part One

After I ran into the Mayor of Kittentown on the beach the weekend before last, I got seriously concerned about dating someone who is not poly. I’m not usually a jealous person, but when monogamous ladies become involved, an icky side of me comes out and I don’t know how to stop it. I haven’t quite regained confidence since that day at the beach, and I’m kind of turning things into a train wreck.

As soon as I realized I had these concerns, I was sure to schedule some extra talking time with Mister Hazel Eyes before our play party date last Saturday. Before that happened, though, facebook happened. I wasn’t even clicking on him, I swear! Just, a picture of him popped up in my newsfeed, looking all cozy with a pretty, earthy girl at some kind of formal event, maybe a wedding. I clicked on his page to check for a status change, and there was another pretty girl all over his wall. We hadn’t gotten to the point of exchanging dance card info yet, so I texted him to ask.  It turns out he is seeing a Nice Girl, and she was neither of the ladies pictured.

I told him that I was scared and that we’d talk, but I spent the rest of Friday intermittently crying. I know it isn’t a competition, but I just couldn’t figure out how to compete with this woman. I feel like because I’m not available all the time, I’ll just never be good enough. I feel so guilty sometimes because I don’t have my whole self to offer, even though (other than timewise) I do have my whole self to offer. I can love lots of people 100% but sometimes guys just don’t understand that.

By Saturday, I felt a little better. I just wanted to make sure that we got some stuff ironed out. I needed to tell him that I had some feelings for him, we needed to go over our dance cards together, and we had to somehow meet in the middle about communication—he is not a good texter/planner, and that’s actually the thing that seems insurmountable. I don’t need someone to be in touch ever minute, I just like little conversational touches that let me know what the plans are and when I might hear back. It’s hard to explain without feeling superneedy, but most people just text in my preferred way naturally.

All that, plus negotiating a scene—maybe a lot of pressure for two folks who are brand-new together.

Mister Hazel Eyes had a flat tire on the way over to get me and complained that it had been “More than he wanted to spend to go out tonight” so he seemed a little begrudging about dinner. I had sympathy about car trouble, but I felt a little hurt and not-date-like at the mention of money—it made me feel a little like a burden, which was a hard feeling to shake.

Anyway, I told him about my facebook fuss and how I’d unsubscribed—it’s a lot easier to ask someone what’s going on than to extrapolate from incomplete online info. He went over who the various girls are, and I hated feeling like he had to explain himself to me. Does he? I don’t know.

I told him about Mr. Popular and the other guy in my maybe pile, and he said he’d try not to be jealous—I said I feel fine about jealousy, except when it makes people go away. He told me about Nice Girl, who is brand new. I couldn’t stop myself from asking:

“So when (Nice Girl) wants to go steady, what happens to me?”

“I don’t know, how do these things usually work?”

“Well, in my happy magical dreamland, she knows about me, and we share, and everything works out great. What usually happens is that the monogamous girl wins and I go away.”

I told him how much our concert date meant, and that I was having real feelings for him. He said it meant a lot to him too, just being there with me. I said I was scared and then said one of the worst poly no-no things I’ve ever said:

“(Nice Girl) is probably easygoing, I’m sure she doesn’t need this much care.”

I am really not a fan of myself in a lot of this story. Please know that I know what I was doing wrong.

We lapsed into a worried silence and Badfinger’s “No Matter What” came on, which made me laugh because it was so ironic and sad. I turned it up anyway and made him pull over in a parking lot overlooking the river and kiss me until the song was over. It sure didn’t feel like a no matter what. It felt like the beginning of another long goodbye.

Next: Somehow we make it to rope class.

New Heart Goal: Less Calendar Fuss

Resolved: I am going to welcome opportunities to be more flexible with my time.

I loooove to schedule things, both from the necessity of, like everyone else, having a million things going on, and as a way of staving off insecurity, especially when I really like someone. It’s as if I think that writing someone’s name on the calendar means they’ll automatically like me and stick around.

Last week, after Mr. Hazel Eyes texted on Friday to see if we could hang out Saturday, (Um, alas? Sweetie and I already had awesome beach plans.) I started to examine the anxiety that I have about spontaneity. It seems that in the course of my life, all kinds of sexist, sex-negative, pop-psychology nonsense snuck its way into my brain. There’s a cultural norm against being too available if you’re a lady—I did get worried that he was into more of a booty call thing than a..something else, but he was kind enough to reassure me that it wasn’t. (He earned major cuddle-points for that.) (Also, booty call? Thank goodness I did not use that actual term when asking him.) (And! Points to me for asking!)

Back in my early twenties I read The Rules more out of curiosity than for actual advice, but somehow that “make him really ask you out or he won’t want you” thing really stuck. Ten years later I learned that “If he’s not asking you out, he’s just not that into you.” I’m not sure why asking-out only counts if there’s advance notice, but one thing’s for sure: I’ve got to stay away from those dating-advice books. Even if I’m just reading them ironically, they seem to have power.

Bill and I had a real tug of war about the calendar. He kept asking me “Why do you always have to know what’s going to happen?” and I never had a good answer. My now-self is like, “Um, because I have a life?!” He made such a point of dragging his feet about day-choosing, and it was just one of the things he did that made me feel like he didn’t care. He’s a pretty bad example, and probably the source of some of the anxiety. Everyone else I’ve dated and/or played with has been great with planning, so I have no reason to feel self-conscious about preferring it.

I remember hearing somewhere that submissives like to be very oriented, and that is certainly the case with me. I like to be able to picture the time in front of me, to have some idea of what it looks like. It makes things seem more manageable, less hectic. Plus, over the course of this Poly 101 kind of year, the importance of calendars has been emphasized by absolutely every advice-giver, to the point where it’s maybe a little over emphasized in my head. Trying to be a good student as always, I guess.

MHE’s spontaneity triggered an embarrassing fear. For whatever reason, part of me believes that if I let men into my life, it will somehow become unmanageable, that I’ll suddenly be less smart, capable, organized because there’s a dude around. New relationship energy does make me a little scattered and distractible (just ask the midterm I’m glacially writing…) and it makes me feel like I’m going wildly out of control.

It’s time to let go of that control a little. though I am comfortable with preferring to plan, I really need to make room for spontaneity. After all, it’s the dream to have somebody to just be with, without having to plan anything, so, yeah, a little playing it by ear seems like just the thing.

MHE had minor surgery this week and I’m in the middle of packing up the apartment and eventually writing a midterm and going on some tour dates, so I’m not sure when I’ll see him again. I don’t feel too anxious—I think the liking-each-other thing will keep if it’s meant to. Meanwhile, I’m having fun making (and flexibly changing) plans with other nice guys, too. But jeez, I really do want to snuggle him

Dance Card Update and a Book to Recommend

This is a rare moment where, as if having a lovely knot-savvy wife weren’t enough, I have four guys on my dance card, plus an extra one I feel a little hopeful about. They’re three first dates, a promising FL flirtation, and of course, Mister Hazel Eyes, the only one who has earned nickname status. Other than my dreamy-eyed crush, there’s a beginning rope-top who needs a practice pal, a nice nudist, and an apparently very popular guy I was friendly with on the OKC last year and who got in touch with me when he got a little room on the calendar. (Kinda like waiting-list guy, I like it.) The other one’s from the local poly meetup, and I’m only pretty sure he’s flirting.

Besides just generally feeling optimistic, there’s another source of my expansiveness this week. I love books where someone does a thing for a year to see what happens, and MWFSeeking BFF, by Rachel Bertsche is a good one. She’s feeling lacking in the friendship department and so she decides to go on “52 friend dates in a year” to see if she can find a new BFF and feel more connected to people. Even though she’s looking for a platonic connection, there’s a lot that a new dater can learn from her story. Reading about the author’s willingness to chat to anyone she felt a connection with, reach out in new ways, and realize that lots of other people are looking for connection too made me a little more courageous and open-minded about how to go forward. Plus, thinking of guys as potential friends kinda takes the edge off some of my anxieties. Even though it’s not meant that way, I would call this a great poly read. 

Wish Me Luck!

On Sunday, the Gentleman is taking me to the art museum for our second date. Strangely, it marks the first time in over a decade that a guy has actually picked me up for a date. I'll take my gold stars where I can get 'em.

Happy Poly Sunday Tomorrow! Being Beginners.

 Way back in February, I attended the Poly Living conference and went to a snuggle party. I hit some Tantric roadblocks and didn’t get a whole lot of snuggling in, but I did make friends with a nice couple. The hubby was even kind enough to go upstairs and fetch a pillow for me. Last week, he looked me up-- we are a 94% match on OK Cupid and we both like being nakedy in public. That’s a good start.

So when he told me he’s attending his first beginners' rope class, I offered him myself to practice on. He said he might be fumbly, and that suits me just fine.

Sweetie offered to drive over with me, since it’s a ways away, and go do something nerdy while he and I are in rope class.

Plus, the four of us are going to lunch together! It couldn’t be more what I need right now. I feel optimistic just thinking about it. 

The Calendar Is Celebrating!

Because Fireguy and Firewife are on it! For week after next! I'm excited to go back to that soothing house, and I can't wait to get all pretty for them. I'm not sure what'll happen, but there's talk of cupcake-decorating. They are an amazing couple who've been together for 30 years, so I hope they'll tell me lots about their adventures together.

There's lots of other good stuff coming up too. I'm feeling really lucky this morning. Thanks for reading this and helping me to have courage.

Here are ten minutes of fireworks to celebrate:

Song of the Week: Love of an Orchestra

Just a little extra luck for your dance cards, dears. XOXO!

My Unusually Full Dance Card

This week I’m getting ready to push myself back into dating. This story could use some more characters. So here are the guys, in the order they’re in on the calendar.

1. V: A few weeks ago, I put a personal ad up on FetLife looking for a dom. Most of the guys who wrote went out of their way to say they think submissives should be treated like human beings, but V seems especially humane somehow. He’s someone I feel like I can be vulnerable towards and he’s got a good imagination for scenes. I’m meeting him at my favorite first date spot this week. His face is one of the cutest ones in my inbox, not that it’s all faces, of course.

2. The Mayor of Kittentown: (So called because he is really sweet and also because he rescued his two cats.)  MOKT is a friend with benefits; he can’t really ever really be mine because he’s looking for someone monogamous. But he’s so much fun. I wrote to him last week and said that I’d like nothing more than to watch Mystery Science Theater 3000 and climb all over him. So, hooray, that is the plan.

3. Mr. 93%: Because our OKC profiles are ridiculously compatible, not just the questions, but the paragraphs, too. Our paragraphs may seem meant for each other, but I have some reservations about him. But he’s so manly and persistent and music-obsessed that I’m giving him a chance. Besides, he was at a flower show the other night and texted all kinds of pictures—that seems kind of romantic.

4. R: I really don’t know too much about R, except that he is an absolute sweetheart, Also, because I met him at a clothing-optional body workshop, I know he looks good naked. Good qualities to have.