Last Magic With Angel Boy, Part Two

I don't think my next-to-the-bed nest has ever looked more beautiful. That dress smelled like him so emphatically. <3 <3 <3

"Can we go upstairs and be cats?" I asked after a few more Adventure Time episodes, and yes, we could.

We stripped to our underwear and got into my pink fluffy bed. I'd just dumped a bunch of Oasis and Psychedelic Furs onto my Virgo Season playlist, making it a little uneven, but perfectly dreamy. We curled up in animal bliss until the horniness took over.

I can remember the exact sensation of his fingers inside me, desire so strong it bordered on an itch. His nails were maybe a little too long, but not unpleasantly so. He held back my wrist with his other hand and indulged my halfhearted struggle. I loved being in his arms and under his power so much. I loved his scent, his long hair I could tangle my hands through. I loved kissing his mouth, his forehead, the tip of his nose. His sensitive nipples will live rent-free in my mind forever. Oh the ecstasy of this connection, oh the miracle of it.

I'm not gonna feel bad or embarrassed or ashamed about Fast Love anymore. I worried about it after the disaster of The Guy Next Door and the whiplash of Sweet Valentine, but I still love those loves, still value their parts in my life so much. Sometimes, I just know, and sometimes it goes by fast. Last night when I was laying in bed by myself, stoned and happy on the edge of sleep, I was able to name what happened: I'd hitched a ride on a star.

As much as I loved our time together, Angel Boy didn't have the spoons to text me much between visits and that made me feel lonely, too vulnerable, too weighed down by uncertainty. This was the exact thing I drove The Shy One nuts about, and I wasn't going to make that mistake again. It was difficult and messy and sad to let Angel Boy go, but I know it's cruel and controlling to stick around hoping someone will change.

And you know what? It was cruel how hard I pushed myself to change, too. There's never gonna be someone I can feel completely certain about, but I can find people whose rhythms don't twist the uncertainty knife. I'm so grateful for my time with Angel Boy, my Three Date Love. Maybe next time, I'll make it to four dates. In the meantime, my heart is so grateful and full.

 

Last Magic With Angel Boy: Part One

His specific kind of chips, Aldi version. I spoiled Angel Boy and I'm so glad.

The last time Angel Boy came over, I got into a princess costume right away, just because. He let me pick out a dress for him to wear as well. I wish you could see how beautiful he was. I wish I had taken more pictures, darn me being so present and in-the-moment!

After our politics/I love yous adventure, I wanted Angel Boy and I to really talk, so I tried this dice game that worked before, with The Shy One. When I proposed the idea, he seemed so excited, but by the night of the date, he had forgotten. He just wanted to watch Adventure Time and cuddle, but he got into the game pretty quickly. He said I was glad I'd thought of it, he really didn't know how to talk about any of that stuff.

I knew I was codependent-ing, trying to run the whole connection on my own because I sensed that no forward motion would come from his end. Being an artist and a codependent, I feel like I can sometimes conjure whole relationships one-sidedly, carry them along on my own momentum and effort until the resentment and inertia become too much, never knowing what's real or mutual. Also though, I have Relationship OCD, so not knowing what's real or mutual is part of my day-to-day life.

The plan for the evening, after we talked, was birthday spanks! We'd joked that I would get 204 spanks, 52 on each cheek with hands, then flogger. His flogger looked a little flimsy, but I looked forward to it with delight anyway. I've been woefully unspanked the last few birthdays, oh no!

But first, episodes. It took us a while to figure out where we'd left off in our Adventure Time viewing, but we landed on one that featured a surprising amount of spanking for a kids' show! The coziness between us was swift and thorough, bonded on the couch like the little pack animals that we are.

I asked if I could sit at his feet and put my head on his knee, and he said yes. I spread out a blanket on the floor and settled into a beatific pink glow, a magic stillness. I asked to make sure my tiara wasn't poking him. My pink tutu felt dreamy but not surreal, just me being me. He scritched my head in a rhythm that suggested he was either really in the groove or absent-minded, who's to say.

Angel Boy described himself as a Soft Daddy Dom (on reflection, he's actually none of those things) and I felt it. Though I was a ways away from being able to use the D-word with him, I felt it in my heart. I felt charmed, cherished, and safe. I felt right-size in the universe, insignificant and awed. The peace between us was thick and soporific, there'd be no spanks tonight.

Totoro and a Visit from 2016, Part Three

 

The jump scare is coming up, but first, lacy things and dancing! Angel Boy and I were laying around (By the next date, this part would be named Being Cats and I love that so much for us!) talking about our Feeld profiles and I told him one of the reason he'd intrigued me was that he wears girls' clothes in some of his pictures! Heart eyes emoji!

And, OHlook, I have a closet full of lingerie, would he like to try something on?

"You pick something for me," he said, and I picked my Barbie-est pink teddy.

"I warn you," he'd said earlier, "I might look prettier than you in a dress..."

I'd say the pretty was about even, but I still can't stop thinking about how beautifully the lace covered his chest. I put on my favorite see-through bodysuit and Rumors by Lizzo and Cardi B came on. I couldn't stop myself from dance-flailing around, the joy was so profound! I'm gonna leave that silly rhyme.

Kissing and dancing with him in our pretty outfits was a wild, childlike joy, and it made me feel so unhinged that I kept apologizing even though there was no reason to. In my dancey exclaimings, I accidentally sprayed spittle all over his cute nose and he winced. I wiped off his face and we kept laughing and dancing. Life was free and beautiful and silly and horny and PERFECT.

Soon it was time to take him home, though, and (jaws music) he spotted the picture I keep by the door of me shaking Hillary Clinton's hand. Spite sparked up in his eyes out of nowhere and he said "Oh is this from when she was friends with Trump?"

"No that was the eighties, I think." My heart fell down several flights of stairs. Not this conversation.

But it was exactly that conversation, similar in tone if not content to the last fight I had with my dad. OHREALLY?! A man telling me what's wrong with Hillary and (by extension, in my mind) all the free election/protest labor I've done in the past decade?! The far left sure loves labor, unless it's women and people of color doing it.

Friends, he used the phrase "charisma lessons."

But! When I made points about Russian interference and how shitty/misogynist it is to say Bernie's primary losses were rigged, Angel Boy listened, or at least pretended to.

This conversation transports me instantly to my own personal Backrooms, and here I was having it for the nth time with someone I really, REALLY liked. I can't keep running into the same thing over and over and having the same flight response. But oh! This hurt my heart and made me worry that the easy equity between us had been an illusion. I had a lot to think about.

Totoro and a Visit From 2016, Part Two

 I don't know what's better than making out on the couch in front of a few episodes of Adventure Time! Probably nothing! But I wanted to take this snuggle party to bed.

First, I shuffled around in my playlist to find just the right song. I settled on Miles Fisher's cover of This Must Be the Place, dreamy and automated and perfectly spectrumy. "Home/Is where I want to be/but I guess I'm already there." The perfect longing, fulfilled. I felt a little self-conscious about the aptness of the song as we climbed the stairs.

I wanted Angel Boy in my bed so badly, and there he was, in my girly pink marshmallow cloud sanctuary, my happiest happy place. He was a happy place too. I took off my favorite (white with bi-colored flowers) summer princess dress, leaving on my favorite lavender lacy underthings, a gift from The Shy One that keeps on giving. Angel Boy stripped to his boxer briefs and I swooned with happiness feeling his soft, warm, fuzzy skin next to mine. On mine.

He was, as promised, softly dommy, but he let me pull his hair. As I carefully tugged at the scruff of his neck, a growl came from all the way inside him, he tensed and sprung upon me, that favorite kind of kiss where the tiniest part of me thinks I might be eaten.

He pulled down my pretty bra and sucked my nipples, too hard at first and then just right. "OH!" I cried out, mentally checking to remember the window was closed. I was in a cloud of blankets and stuffies and pleasure. When he went for my clit, I was soaked slick for him, the feeling was monumental. With his fingers inside me, I felt powerful, transcendent. I was grounded in my body in a way that felt new, a new kind of health.

After a good loud while, Angel Boy looked a little shyly into my eyes and asked-without-asking if I'd orgasmed, and I told him the tide would just keep rolling, let's take a break.

I love holding him and being held, kissing and nuzzling, but guess what I love even more: an impromptu sing-along. Tears for Fears Everybody Wants to Rule the World came on and, tentatively at first, we sang. 

"Help me make the most of freedom and of pleasure, nothing ever lasts forever..."

Friends, I don't know how he does it, but this guy stops time.

Totoro and a Visit from 2016, Part One

 Last Wednesday, Angel Boy and I had a date--he was coming over to watch My Neighbor Totoro on my comically small TV. I picked him up again from his Cute Guy Job and when he got in the car, his skin was cool from the work air conditioning. I kissed his hand and rubbed his cool arm all over my sweaty face. I'm sure I've described people as oases before, that's what he felt like, cool and soothing. And almost too beautiful to look at.

I was so excited to have him over to the series of nests that is my apartment. I made a special trip to get the snack he asked for. On my couch, he felt so right, by-now warm arms around me, bouncing to the Totoro theme, pure well-being.

Younger Cat didn't have to consider Angel Boy for too long before she was in my lap, purring with the vibes. We talked about things like why trees sometimes have necklaces on. Ohboy I just love Totoro so much. I love saying "soot sprites" as many times as I want to. I love petting the soft hair on Angel Boy's arm. I love going in for a cheek-kiss and getting a chip-filled mouth instead.

"Most people just want the mouth," he said and shrugged.

There was a new emotion!! How are there so many new emotions even at my advanced age?!

I asked him to hand me my new Build-a-Bear. She is a fairy bear covered with silver stars. Her name is Pinecone because I like the part in Fire Walk With Me when Laura finds a pinecone. She is scented like the most artificial of strawberries, the distilled essence of the 1980s.

"The perfect little girl smell" I said "That sounds weird but you know what I mean."

He said, blissfully and decisively, "Yeah, you're a little."

"I'm not...not..." I shrugged and then felt a whoosh of silence and safety. I felt peaceful and contained and treasured. Loved. It was me and him and the stuffie and the cat and somewhere in the house was the other cat and we were all together, a pack.

"You're in my pack" I said, and he agreed.

I don't know how long we stayed that way, but I felt an almost supernatural happiness, the kind that might come from sprouting seeds with a giant tripartite forest spirit who gets really excited about umbrellas.

Angel Boy had described himself as a "Soft Daddy Dom" the week before, and the parental nickname didn't bother my OCD like it usually does. Yes, I thought. Care and cuddling. Approval. Good girl. I don't think I'm a little because that would be too confusing with all the grownup stuff, but I hope those moments of feeling treasured, warm, and safe with stick with me for a long time to come.

Enchanted Diner Date With Angel Boy

He has just the most beautiful hands! <3

 Today I'm wondering if some loves might just be two dates long. 

I had Angel Boy pick a diner for our first date--even if it didn't work out, I'd still get to go to a diner! Though I hadn't been to this diner before, I knew there would be a comforting sameness to soften the anxieties of learning a possible new person. They had really beautiful Napoleons in the display case by the door, I may have to go back for one of those.

I was nervous driving over! One of my friends (Maybe the OCDest one) said he looked too young. He's in his mid-thirties, but the fear got in my head a little and it was hard not to let OCD have its say.

I picked him up at his cute-guy job. As soon as he was in my car, my fears whooshed away. The dynamic felt equal and sparky, kinda like meeting a worthy adversary you want to kiss. He took my arm right away, petted my hand, rifled around in the back of my hair while I drove.

His look reminded me of the following dreamboats: My first serious boyfriend,(Perfectly 1993 Guy ) Slater from Dazed and Confused, Eddie Vedder in his climbing-on-high-things-at-Lollapalooza-2 era, and the bookstore boss on whom I had a wild and music-fueled crush almost immediately after my marriage in 2003. (If I'd met Angel Boy in 2023, the symmetry would have been delicious.)

 He had a tattoo of a math pun on his arm. 

I felt Autistic Euphoria as we sat down in the diner and the banter machine whizzed to life and we settled into each other and settled into the comfy booth.

"Oversharing is my love language," I said cliche-ly, and he looked delighted and grabbed my hand.

"Oh you love me? I'm so glad."

We were kidding, but it did feel like a kind of instant love. It felt like we were taking over the whole diner with our vibes. Our waitress was curious about us, she asked if we'd known each other a long time, and we gigglingly said that we'd met a half hour ago. It must have been a slow night, because she came back with so many questions, like:

"What if his girlfriend doesn't like you?"

I was like "Of course she'll like me," but he launched into a deeper explanation of poly life. 

She told us she was done with dating, happy to stay home with her dog, but I think by the end of the night our joyful sluttiness rubbed off on her. I hope she's having the best adventures! And/or the best time staying home.

It was the kind of first date where you end up brainstorming a lot of other dates. I wanted to take him to the drive-in, the beach, and definitely to my place so I could see if the ropes liked him. Obviously he would need to watch Backrooms, My Neighbor Totoro, and Twin Peaks, and I was ready to watch anything I was assigned. I accidentally talked like he was already my boyfriend, and that didn't seem to scare him at all.

He's so warm and alive and present. And so beautiful. He has lips like a Renaissance cherub. When we kissed in the car on the way back to his place, it was like we'd been kissing our whole lives. Like his mouth was made for me. As I held his cheek to draw him deeper into the kiss, I felt my heart stir like he was moving in. He was.