Before I leave the cute art night, I just want to remember the feeling of stapling up silk flowers with my sweet doomed crush while he sings "Do you realize?" in the sparkly Christmas Eve night. Two angels doing angel stuff, nothing can change that.
For Christmas, I'd originally invited TGNS to come over after dinner, for Scrabble with me and BFF-Formerly-Sweetie. But he kind of hinted that he wanted to come over earlier, so I invited him for dinner too.
(Things were different between BFF and I, this guy around. She was so cool about including him in Christmas, she was remarkably un-grumbly about him over all, which was new. She was so copacetic about it that it kind of freaked me out, like was she REALLY ready to let me go? That was beautiful but also so sad and scary too! What would our friendship be like if I had another Person around? Would it go away? Would we lose the bond we've built with each other post divorce, just because of some guy? I MAY have cried on the floor about this not too long ago, and I'm glad.)
The Guy Next Door was not on time for dinner, so I went over and got him. He came over like such a good boy all excited because he'd just downloaded a bunch of Bob's Burgers episodes for us to binge after family time was over.
He gave me a card with Monet's Water Lilies that said I was delightful, and that word made me inordinately happy because ever since he'd encouraged me to chat with the delightful Girl Next Door, I wanted to be delightful too. And here I was! I had it in writing.
Scrabble was so fun! BFF had admonished us to at least try to beat her, and we did respectably!
The warmth and glow of that evening helps me understand what made TGNS want to cling to me, "conventionally attracted" or not. I remember when I was in my divorce process--connection and warmth felt so unattainable, I clung to it in any way I could. I feel so much compassion for where he's at, and I really, REALLY wanted to make his pain go away. Because I am codependent and taking care of people is my addiction! A fact I'm glad to have remembered yesterday.
After BFF went home, it was time for me and TGNS to try the couch again. I made my own little nest on one end, and he sat in my usual spot. I put a pillow wall between us so I wouldn't spook the poor timid boy, but after a while, I asked if I could put my head on his shoulder, and he said yes. Goodbye pillow wall!
"I won't try anything untoward," I said, and he made the saddest little sound. Maybe I should take up poetry again so I can give Saddest Little Sound its due, but I'm honestly so sick of this obsession.
What I see now looking back on that night is someone who really, REALLY wanted to want what I want, so we could have harmony. I wanted the same! I wanted to let him be timid and hesitant and reluctant and whatever else he was feeling.
But it felt bad, the pain he seemed to feel with every step forward. I can try to understand it, turn it over and over to try and figure out what he really wanted from me, but again, sick of the obsession.
It felt bad when he left at like 8:30 instead of commencing the promised binge. I resolved to set my sights on friendship and start letting the Other Stuff go.
(Meanwhile, while I'm typing this, I heard him screaming in anger next door, hopefully not at the cat! Can I go steal the cat?! Only sort of kidding.)
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