That Darn Internalized Fatphobia, Part One

OMG I’ve only got thirteen days left of my dating break!! For the most part, I’m rarin’ to get started—everywhere I go, there are completely smoochable-looking guys. I’ve got some cute new pictures for my Feeld and Bumble profiles—my favorite is me in a pink tutu sort of dressed up as Rose Quartz, carrying a sign that says “Ban jerks, not books.” It’s really starting to feel like there’s a romantic future for me, like at least one more entry into the First Date Hall of Fame might be in in cards.

I found a really nice Summer Therapist who has helped me believe I might really move on from the margins of others’ relationships. It’s been such a lovely summer with myself so far, lots of firefly walks, friend time, pictures of flowers.

But this dumb, sexist, fatphobic thing happened in the lap lane at the pool last week. Too dumb to recount, but when a thin and unhelpful pool manager blamed me for “just not feeling confident” that day, I thought it might be a good time to write about where I’m at with body positivity and fat liberation. Summer Therapist, by some miracle, listens to Maintenance Phase, so I can talk to her about like 80% more things. (You should listen! Especially if you’re a straight-sized person! https://www.maintenancephase.com/)

The Kitten Calendar has been all about body love, so I want to be PERFECT at it by now. When I started this blog in 2011, well before “fat” was even THINKING about being a neutral term, I had the idea that because I was plus-sized (Size 20 then, around a 24 now) I could only be attractive to women, that all men would find me disgusting. The Nude Beach and all the different play parties and superhot experiences gave me a more well-rounded (Ha) view of beauty and desirability, but the internalized fatphobia (and weird sexism about it!) is still causing trouble in my heart.

In the present day, I’m pretty convinced I’m desirable. Most of the time, I walk through the flirty world feeling like an adorable dorky goddess—cute, abundant, lush, bountiful. Like a human pleasure garden.

But when it came to intimacy with a man, there was still a tangle of self-doubt, self-consciousness, and pain. I never found a good way to talk to The Shy One about it, so instead, I’ll blog it out to you. Thanks for listening!