Poly Feelings and Christmas Cute With The Guy Next Door, Part Four

I kept being surprised at how much time he wanted to spend over here! He came over the night after Christmas for music and leftovers, and it was my favorite night of this whole story.

Because of the Saddest Little Sound in the World, I'd resolved to keep us at the friendly table rather than trying the nebulous-meaninged couch. We had warmed-up turkey and potatoes. We listened to his playlist, which was enough like mine to be good and enough different to breathe new life into the place.

When we got to a welllll what should we do now place, I pulled out the Tarot cards and we played. I pulled out three or four different decks and we read each other the explanations or just made things up. One of the decks came with discussion questions, so the talk got deep. It was this incredibly wholesome feeling of enjoyment and peace and, for me, falling deeper in love.

After that perfect while, he said he would like to try cuddling! So we set up his laptop full of Bob's Burgers-es, dimmed the lights, and approached the couch. It felt awkward, like neither of us had ever cuddled before in our lives! But we figured it out.

I asked if he'd like a regular blanket or a weighted one, and he chose weighted. Settling into his arms felt like a WOOSH of bliss, like a relief, a coming-home. He held my hand in his long and beautiful hand. We both did a lot of sighing.

But also, he talked about Oxytocin, which made me wonder whether I was being a person right now or a drug. Why not both, I guess?

I took his hand and placed it on top of my head, then felt my whole being go quiet. It had been so long since I felt it--submission. The feeling of being precious and small and protected, of being, in my heart at least, adored.

I kept thinking, this is what I pictured when I met him. Just cuddling on the couch watching shows. In the original fantasy, we were watching Twin Peaks, but otherwise, this was exactly what I'd known would happen. I read a thing somewhere that falling in love fast is a sign of emotional intelligence, and that doesn't seem quite right, but the feeling of I just knew was so beautiful. I felt everything fit together in such a profound way. It felt so good I almost needed a break from it, but I didn't take one.

I could have laid like that for a hundred hours, but he was ready to go after a couple of episodes.

"Ahhh human contact," he said as we were hugging goodbye, making me wonder once again whether I was a specific human to him or just a convenient warm body. Thank goodness I didn't say that in the moment!

Poly Conference as Benchmark: Very Good Progress

When I first attended the Big Poly Conference the year before last, it was almost like research as an outsider. I found many different kinds of comfort and acceptance (especially in my first nudist experience) but by the end of the day I was hurting and crying in the cuddle party, being comforted by the facilitator (who is, incidentally, now Showtime famous) and feeling like I should never be near such nice people, like I was just to rotten inside for all this togetherness. I cried my heart out all the way home that night, consoled by Sweetie in that toxic way we had, half-knowing that my relationship was part of where the rottenness was coming from.

Then last year I attended with much more experience and a few more good connections, spent the day mostly catching up with friends and being proud to find out where the big party was being held. That was the night I first really connected with the Sweethearts, Mr. Shiny Eyes, and the Recurring Character. Because Sweetie was staying in the hotel with me (though not attending the conference) I still felt separate from the poly folks and strangely protective of her, like I couldn’t give all the way in to everything that was going on around me.

This year, I shared a room with my favorite snuggle-couple, the Sweethearts, whom I’m still learning, of course, but thoroughly and emphatically enjoyed in both pants-off and pants-on ways. They feel like home to me, a physical and spiritual comfort to be near whether we were mid-scene or not.

As with last year, I spent a good amount of time catching up with the Lady of the House, who decided that wherever we are together talking is actually the nude beach--it’s exactly that sunny, embracing, and free.

I got to devour Mr. Shiny Eyes for lunch and have some emotional breakthroughs with him during postsex cuddles. (I’ll elaborate on all this as the week goes on…)

And yes, I did know where the party was, but I chose instead to curl up in a comforter and enjoy the warmth of my own company.

For all of the happiness, there was grief, too. I miss having someone to whom I could confess everything and be (until the next condemning fight, at least) absolved. And since last year’s party was all about Sweetie’s ropes, I missed the heck out of those too: I love that we were able to create such beautiful rope-magic even as we were falling apart. I miss the home of her even as I rejoice in finding and founding new person-homes.

This was also the weekend in which I finally admitted to myself that I believe in Tantric energy—I’ve experienced it enough times, I might as well. The first time I tried Tantric breath (at that same sobby conference cuddle party) I experienced it as stabby, almost debilitating pain, a grief-cramp that didn’t go away until I cried it out. This time, just after I left the Sacred Sex Puja, I felt such a warm, sunshiny glow move through me, and keep moving. Though I’m still facing some roadblocks and daunting obstacles, on some fundamental level I’ve come unstuck. There’s so much more work to be done, but sometimes I feel my body, mind, and heart giving me time and space to relax into the flow of whatever comes next.

Kissed, Punched, and a Little Sadistic, Part Three: Yes, I’m a Cuddle Slut

Pretty Slave was now the one kneeling next to me on the (regular) bench. Her skirt was pulled all the way up and her black lace panties were glorious. She really has the most amazing ass, you should see it. Cute Master spanked her and I loved the sound of her voice as she cried out.

Between me, Pretty Slave, and Winggirl One, the turned-on smell was incredible. It was a cloud of girl, and it made me feel so close to my friends.

You might remember that I spanked a young lady at the Regular Dungeon night before this one, and afterwards she led me over to show me how big her boyfriend’s hands are? Said boyfriend (to be gleefully named The Puncher in the next post…) came over to chat and I asked if he might have time to flog me later. He said he didn’t have any tools with him, but we agreed that he probably didn’t need them, with hands like those. (The poor guys on this blog, so often reduced to a pair of hands…) As we kept chatting, his age came up and I realized I was hitting on a 20-year-old. And then I realized I didn’t care. His girlfriend was finishing up a scene and looking like she might need some attention, so I told him I’d come and find him later.

Cute Master told me it was my turn to kneel down in front of him, so I happily did. My face was smushed against the wall and he made me stick out my ass as much as I could. He was slower with me this time, more deliberate. He ran his hands over me affectionately between smacks and I realized he does have nice soft hands. I reminded him about the hair-pulling and he did it, pushing and pulling ecstatic adrenaline out of me.

My favorite part was the after time—I snuggled up to Pretty Slave, Cute Master put his arm around both of us, and we snuggled like a family of kittens. Sometimes a hand would feel me up and I’d be unsure of whose it was—that was the best feeling. They loosened up the top of her corset and with an “Is this okay?’ I reached in and played with her lovely soft bosoms, wanting to put them in my mouth but unsure if that was crossing a party rule line.

It was so comforting and peaceful laying there in their arms, a little oasis in the middle of a crazy world.

I like them, everybody. I really value them as friends and play-partners. Spending the evening at the dungeon with them made me feel connected and cared for in a new way. It made me feel more aligned with myself and made all of my friendships seem easier and deeper somehow. Maybe it was just the (as yet) rare feeling of getting to fully express being bi, to really start actively loving my orientation. Sheesh, it’s about time.

“You really are a cuddle slut,” she said.

“No! I wouldn’t cuddle with just anybody!”

“But you’d do this all night, wouldn’t you?”

I shrugged and nodded and went back to nuzzling and smooching her.

Life is tricky for me lately, ecstatic at times but also tiring and messy. I’m so grateful to my friends for being such a nice place to rest.

Next: I hold a girl down, run away, and get bent over the bar.