Catsitting Was Service and It Felt Good.

 While I care for myself and keep not knocking on his door, some of the things I felt during my near-romance with The Guy Next Door deserve attention. I feel like the memories don't quite belong to me yet, like I'm still waiting for him to sign off on them by liking me back, which he doesn't. But it was still real.

On Christmas leftovers night, when he was "ready to try snuggling," I took his hand and placed it on top of my head. I expected it to feel comforting, of course, but I didn't expect to fall down a very cozy well of subbiness! I felt the switch flip and he became Him.

In Codependents Anonymous, we are definitely not supposed to let other people be our Higher Power. That's supposed to be benevolent but big and all-encompassing and largely unknowable. This feeling might have been that, but it was also the opposite- play! A role I haven't played in such a long time, and suddenly there I was. Little. Cared for. Humble. Chosen.

So when he asked me to watch Cat Next Door while he was away for New Years, it didn't feel like it sometimes feels now, like he was having his to-him-unfuckable friend watch his place while he was out of town seeing Yoga Camp Hottie. That was what was happening, but it didn't feel bad at all! Most of the week!

I said I'd be honored to watch his place, and I meant it.

The first time I went over, Cat Next Door was relaxing on TGNS's bed. The bed was spare and the bedding white, very yoga camp. I sat on the floor next to the bed to pet the cat and felt woozy with love. I wanted to crawl into bed with the cat and cuddle, but that felt like a creepy thing for a catsitting neighbor to do. He later said it would've been fine, but then, he later said a lot of things.

Every moment, crushing Cat Next Door's meds into his tuna breakfast and supper, washing the plates and spoons, just sitting in TGNS's chair keeping the cat company while read my audiobook and inhaled the scent of man and sandalwood, it all felt like I was honored to serve him. I'm sure that was not his intention at all, but that's what happened.

I looked at my art and Tarot cards front and center on his fridge door, and I felt he's mine and I'm his. When I left the porch light on for myself and locked the door for the night, I felt in my place. Where I belonged.

Submissive or no, I don't do neighbor-favors half-assed, so though he'd told me I didn't have to scoop the litterbox, I sure did! Kneeling in front of it doing objectively the worst chore, I felt peaceful, seen. Even though it was SO STINKY! 

He's an old cat who misses a lot and there was a pink towel in front of the litterbox that got soaked with pee by the end of the week. I took it home and washed it with a heart full of love and hope.

I'd told him I was having subby feelings after our first cuddle, but I don't think he ever really got how badly I wanted to serve him.

I'm telling you this to honor my submissive self- it was so lovely to see her. I hope she'll be around again soon, in much happier and healthier circumstances. It just felt so good.

Poly Feelings and Christmas Cute With The Guy Next Door, Part Four

I kept being surprised at how much time he wanted to spend over here! He came over the night after Christmas for music and leftovers, and it was my favorite night of this whole story.

Because of the Saddest Little Sound in the World, I'd resolved to keep us at the friendly table rather than trying the nebulous-meaninged couch. We had warmed-up turkey and potatoes. We listened to his playlist, which was enough like mine to be good and enough different to breathe new life into the place.

When we got to a welllll what should we do now place, I pulled out the Tarot cards and we played. I pulled out three or four different decks and we read each other the explanations or just made things up. One of the decks came with discussion questions, so the talk got deep. It was this incredibly wholesome feeling of enjoyment and peace and, for me, falling deeper in love.

After that perfect while, he said he would like to try cuddling! So we set up his laptop full of Bob's Burgers-es, dimmed the lights, and approached the couch. It felt awkward, like neither of us had ever cuddled before in our lives! But we figured it out.

I asked if he'd like a regular blanket or a weighted one, and he chose weighted. Settling into his arms felt like a WOOSH of bliss, like a relief, a coming-home. He held my hand in his long and beautiful hand. We both did a lot of sighing.

But also, he talked about Oxytocin, which made me wonder whether I was being a person right now or a drug. Why not both, I guess?

I took his hand and placed it on top of my head, then felt my whole being go quiet. It had been so long since I felt it--submission. The feeling of being precious and small and protected, of being, in my heart at least, adored.

I kept thinking, this is what I pictured when I met him. Just cuddling on the couch watching shows. In the original fantasy, we were watching Twin Peaks, but otherwise, this was exactly what I'd known would happen. I read a thing somewhere that falling in love fast is a sign of emotional intelligence, and that doesn't seem quite right, but the feeling of I just knew was so beautiful. I felt everything fit together in such a profound way. It felt so good I almost needed a break from it, but I didn't take one.

I could have laid like that for a hundred hours, but he was ready to go after a couple of episodes.

"Ahhh human contact," he said as we were hugging goodbye, making me wonder once again whether I was a specific human to him or just a convenient warm body. Thank goodness I didn't say that in the moment!