Two Phone Dates, Two In-Person Dates, That’s Enough for Now

Phone Date One: There’s something refreshing about the times it’s SO CLEAR someone isn’t a match. He seemed so promising! Cute, (Kind of a This Charming Man vibe!) nearby and! He was starting a flower garden! He suggested a call, so I told him what time I’d be working on my puzzle. (1000 pieces, a cherry-blossom landscape and soooooooooooo hard!) I sat down with a pink wine spritzer, hoping for a lively chat.

And it was okay! A little of that good banter thing I’m looking for! But when I asked him what kind of person he was looking for, he said “Just someone with some sense.”

“Oh, well that’s not me.” I said inside my head.

I mean, I’m sensible about lots of things—my apartment is passably clean, most of my bills are paid. My car’s maintenance is always up to date, though that’s partly because there’s Cute Car Place Guy. But going into a potential romance with the admonition to be sensible? Just, no.

He then went on a long tear about a lady who didn’t “pick up after herself” so my yikes became a superyikes.

Rope Date: I was at brunch showing Rainbow Pal my matches when this plan came into being—something about Rainbow Pal makes me want to be more hopeful and brazen. Friendship! It’s great!

Anyway, this thirty-year-old stoner dreamboat was just the SWEETEST, so gentle and kind and willing to learn. And willing to spank! Tattooed and spindly, he looked beautiful in my ropes. With my instruction, he did a pretty great job tying me up too! But this sweetie pie was just beginning his journey, and I want someone(s) more worldly, and with a little more fight.

There’s also this: The afternoon before this superpleasant rope date, I called BFF to cry my heart out about The Shy One. I’m SO TIRED of crying about that guy. Though he doesn’t read this and I’m sure he’s busy amassing Eid presents for some less-complicated girl, I can feel him over my shoulder, judging me for not moving on fast enough.

Phone Date Two: Facebook friend-suggested a kinky cutie I’d matched with summer before last but had never met, and I decided to give it a second try, violating my newish “no sequels” rule.

You know those profile pictures you sometimes see on Feeld that just show all the kinky toys some dude has? It was the conversational equivalent of that. He kept listing kinks like I was a questionnaire, and when I told him mine, he was like, “Is that all?”

When I described my very sweet Ma’am-ing style, he said “We’re going to have to work on opening you up.”

Jesus fuck. Friends, if there’s one thing I don’t need in this curious, fragile, regularly crying part of my life, it’s to be MORE opened up.

Kind (I hope) goodbye-again note, unfriend, reblock.

Couch Romcom Date: I’m not sure if I’ll go back and finish Ticket to Paradise. It made me yearn.

I liked this guy a BUNCH because he sent me a picture on Thursday of Junior Mints he’d bought for our movie date Friday. Thoughtfulness, attention to detail. I love it.

I ventured into the Frilly Things box and put on the gorgeous lilac Rihanna bra and panties set. I was hot from a long spring walk, so I just wore shorty pajamas over the frillies. I felt cute but tired.

He arrived a little late, but he was adorable—tall and beardy and cuddly AND he talked like Ron Funches. That may be a very specific fetish that I have.

He was warm and kind on the couch next to me, if a little unfriendly to my dear older cat. He was a gentle kisser and at one point he kissed me on the forehead, a gesture that makes me wish him all the miraculous hot gorgeous true love in the world. His presence was so calm and still that my EXTREMELY shy other cat came out from hiding behind the dryer and sniffed the toe of his shoe.

But I didn’t feel the spark, and I gently-as-possible told him that, before the movie was done.

Dear friends, I’d almost postponed the date because ninety minutes before he was scheduled to adorably bring me Junior Mints, I’d been sobbing to BFF about The Shy One again. I’d been frozen to my spot on the couch, unable to uproot myself enough to tidy the apartment or get cute. Eventually I rallied and I’m so glad I did! Movie date guy deserved my effort, and so did I.

But Let’s Be Honest: I’m still madly, pointlessly, helplessly in love with The Shy One. It’s time to take a dating break for a little while longer, hoping it won’t take too long to pass.

After I said goodnight to movie date guy, I felt an odd kind of happiness. It felt good to be alone with myself, to play phone games and listen to emotionally neutral podcasts and just have some private time to heal. I feel like I’m on the right path again. It’s all the right path.