After my week of phone adventures with The Coach, I guess I decided to play a little more like he plays. (Or I guess, the way he looks like he plays, I really don’t know his life!) I switched my very sensible 37-57 settings on Bumble to a more playful 26-57. I stopped automatically swiping left on anybody who looks like he goes to the gym a lot. I realized (!!!!!) that dating apps could just be for looking at cute people instead of steadfastly looking for The Right One. I slutted up my opening lines by a little bit, which means a lot of kissy-talk and emojis that involve hearts because! If they’re scared of hearts they could just not say hi back!
Note to self: They are NOT afraid of emoji-hearts.
What have I even been doing with my life?
It is a whole. New. WORLD in my inbox now. Which was
good because Friday night I was antsy, and I was (for basically no reason, it
turns out) trying not to text The Coach, and I was trying to just read my
library book but it was in my phone where all those guys were.
There were a few dating-y guys in the mix, but when Casual
Guy was like “What are you doing right now?” I didn’t tell him about the library
book I was trying to read or about looking for a Real Relationship. I didn’t
even ask if he was allergic to cats (no) and if he was vaccinated (yes) until
he was already on the way.
(Let me just stop and give credit to The Coach,
because he could have said he was fully vaccinated too and been done with me like
two weeks ago.) (I mean, kind of a low bar, but being a good citizen of both
Covid and sex is superhot.)
I didn’t believe that Casual Guy would come, or that
he would like me (well) or that he would look the way he looked in his picture.
He did show up and he WAs beautiful. He was dark-skinned, dressed dapperly, and
had pretty that’s-how-they-get-you eyes. A softly West Indies accent. A round
tummy but/and jacked arms. (I believe that is the first time I’ve described someone
using the word “jacked” on this blog and it sort of makes me feel one hundred
years old, but it IS the right word.)
I poured us some wine. My supersweet lesson-planning
Pink Moscato was the only one I had cold but it didn’t matter because nobody
drank any wine.
OH MY GOODNESS I DID NOT EVEN STOP TO PUT MUSIC ON!
Scream emoji!
He had told me to put on something sexy for him and I,
because I am lazy and it was all-the-way after ten already, decided that meant
cute PJs, a lacy purple bra, and no underpants. No things were shaved or even
trimmed. He could not have given less of a fuck.
I thought it was really sweet that he didn’t want to
move my cat from her spot on the couch. I scooted the cat over and sat as close
to Casual Guy as I could without touching. I thought there would be…banter?
Time to drink wine and settle in a little bit?
Instead he was like, oh, you’re shy? Let me help you.
He took my hand and put it on his knee. He gently put one hand on the back of
my neck and pulled me into a kiss as the other hand went right up my pajama-top,
roughly (but not too roughly) pulling my nipple up and out. OHboy, the lace and
nipple and his rough hand gathering me up with expert pressure, that’ll stick
with me. I’ll picture and feel it for so many alone-times to come. He put my
nipple in his mouth and sucked sweetly. I groaned and lay back, disrupting the cat.
“I mean, I do have a bed…”
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