Yesterday, I was settling in to make gingerbread cookies and
I realized that Sweetie had taken the rolling pin. This was one of those
unpredictable divorce-grief floodgates, and suddenly I was a mess. Yes, I could
get my own rolling pin, but I didn’t want to have a separate rolling pin from
her. Etc.
That grief widened out into tears for everything that’s gone
past this year, and it got overwhelming. I realized that I never took quite
enough time to soak up the emotions of each thing. I often (sometimes
literally!) ran from one person to the next in order to minimize feelings about
them—negative or positive! Maybe especially positive. There was no need to come
to terms with the depth and nuance of one relationship when I was spanking and
sparkling onto the next! It sure was fun but it repressed some of the
experiences and turned others into neuroses.
So yesterday I got stuck and sad about all of the things
that happened, all of the adventures that went by so quick. The way that one
love/hurt/infatuation/grief bled into the next and everything got all tangled
up. It was a beautiful mess, but I’m not sure that I honored each experience
enough.
I am going to stop pretending that everything doesn’t mean
everything to me. In the coming year, I will stop and let myself feel every emotion
that comes with every adventure. I’ll share those feelings when I can and
whether they are returned or not, I’ll coddle them, love them, kiss them and
put them to bed, or let them go. I will not spend any more time trying to
pretend things are not a big deal to me. Things are a big deal to me, and it’s
time to let that be who I am.
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