Monday, September 9, 2013

Really Irksome Gold Star

Oh everybody, I haz a sad. Today the Cutest Boy at the Party told me some stuff going on his relationship that showed me they’re not ready to welcome another person, maybe not even a playpal, definitely not a me. So I told him I’m backing away until things are more situated.

He said that he might be okay for a play partner situation before too long, but I had to admit that my heart was leaning toward something deeper with him. For whatever reason, I don’t really care that much about BDSM when it comes to him, I mostly just want to make out and roll around like happy kittens.

That might see like too much to know after a good cuddle and a week of good texts, but in my defense, they were really good texts, with a lot of “good girl” and “I’m proud of you” and such (Okay maybe it’s a little bit of a BDSM feeling…) plus the still-way-too-surprising feeling of being treated like a person he actually wants to know. I really have to get a little more used to that.

Also, it wasn’t just a snuggle. He was giving me aftercare on behalf of, like, ten people in a scene that was cathartic and transformative on so many levels. Of course it’s a little hard to have perspective about him, of course I got feelings. I probably need a little time just to fully realize what happened to me, just to let it sink in, take it to heart.

I miss him already and I HATE doing the stupid right thing, but I can’t put that much energy into somebody who is, for the most part, unavailable. I can’t invest so much imagination in another guy I can’t have. I want the “good girls” to be for real and the cuddles to be sincere and the other partners to be ready to welcome me with open arms.

I told him to give me a few weeks to try and find perspective and I hope I will. I’ve added him to the growing category of Hope it Comes Back Around and I feel proud, but lonely.

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