Oh everybody, I haz a sad. Today the Cutest Boy at the Party
told me some stuff going on his relationship that showed me they’re not ready
to welcome another person, maybe not even a playpal, definitely not a me. So I
told him I’m backing away until things are more situated.
He said that he might be okay for a play partner situation
before too long, but I had to admit that my heart was leaning toward something
deeper with him. For whatever reason, I don’t really care that much about BDSM when it
comes to him, I mostly just want to make out and roll around like happy kittens.
That might see like too much to know after a good cuddle and
a week of good texts, but in my defense, they were really good texts, with a
lot of “good girl” and “I’m proud of you” and such (Okay maybe it’s a little
bit of a BDSM feeling…) plus the still-way-too-surprising feeling of being
treated like a person he actually wants to know. I really have to get a little
more used to that.
Also, it wasn’t just a snuggle. He was giving me aftercare
on behalf of, like, ten people in a scene that was cathartic and transformative
on so many levels. Of course it’s a little hard to have perspective about him,
of course I got feelings. I probably need a little time just to fully realize
what happened to me, just to let it sink in, take it to heart.
I miss him already and I HATE doing the stupid right thing,
but I can’t put that much energy into somebody who is, for the most part,
unavailable. I can’t invest so much imagination in another guy I can’t have. I
want the “good girls” to be for real and the cuddles to be sincere and the
other partners to be ready to welcome me with open arms.
I told him to give me a few weeks to try and find
perspective and I hope I will. I’ve added him to the growing category of Hope
it Comes Back Around and I feel proud, but lonely.
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