Monday, September 23, 2013

Post-Veto Mini-Update and In Defense of Pausing Friendships


















So even though I think I was a jealous brat in my conversation with the Cutest Boy on Saturday, he disagrees and agreed to my suggestion that we start the friendship over after some space and time. We've both apologized about a hundred times, so it's safe to say we still care and want the other to be happy.

I've often been accused (never by the people directly involved) of being too controlling with this way I have of pausing friendships that have gotten freighted with unrequited stuff. It's usually very nice poly people telling me that it's saying I only want to be around the person if they give me what they want, but that's not it at all, in fact, it's the opposite.

The fact is, unrequited (or disallowed-from-being requited, it amounts to the same) feelings suck the fun out of things and put a burden on both (or all) parties involved. By giving them (and myself) space, I'm saying (or have always meant to say) that I have enough faith in the connection between us to leave it alone until it becomes unfraught. I'm saying that what they really want is more important to me than whatever I've been wishing for, because none of this is any good without authenticity.

It seems to work, and I hope it does this time, too.

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