Monday, September 16, 2013

Divorce Times Week 10: Oh Yeah, Grief and Fear

It’s hitting me so hard today—the feeling that I’ve failed. I failed to make my family, failed to find the right love, and now I may have lost my chance. I feel one million years old. All over my life, people know how to do this, and I don’t: falling together, clicking into place and figuring out what works for them, settling into the dailiness of love, and I’m writing while my ex-wife catches up the bills in the other room. I hate it so much and I don’t know how to get to the other side.

A week ago, for the past while actually, I’ve been feeling good about things, feeling like my momentum would just carry me along to wherever I need to be. For whatever reason, today that left me and I see the precariousness of the situation, I can’t feel any faith.

I am so scared, everybody, that no matter what I do or try, it will be forty years from now and I’ll be on my deathbed realizing that I never realized the dream that meant the most, the only thing I ever really cared about, that I never found true love. What if I have to spend the rest of my life just WATCHING love and never having my own?


Because what if whoever made me just forgot to put the lovable part in? What if I’m just not supposed to be a part of it?

5 comments:

  1. Don't be so hard on yourself, Kitten. It's not really a matter of finding love, it's about being loving, and being loving is always a possibility for you at every moment. Of course you will need to set boundaries sometimes because there are people who will take advantage of your loving nature if you allow it, but clearly you're getting better at recognizing that and declaring your limits. But the truth is that everyone wants to be loved, and when you love people, they open up to you like flowers in sunlight. If you want more love in your life, then all you need to do is give it away generously and let yourself be carried in the flow of it. The real secret is that you don't need to *find* true love because YOU ARE TRUE LOVE!

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  2. People keep telling me that it's about connecting to myself, but why don't I deserve to be like the women who AREN'T sitting around all alone connecting to themselves? Why am I the one who has to do it on my own while everyone around me is surrounded by the love of others? It sucks and I'm sick of it.

    I am NOT the true love I'm looking for. I don't deserve to sit by myself for the rest of my life, meditating or whatever. I deserve love and togetherness and family just as much as you or anyone else does.

    And when I give love away generously, people disappear. They're all excited about me one minute and the next, they're gone because I got excited back. It would be wonderful if I could just be my lovey-dovey self and have that be accepted but that isn't the reality I'm living in. I don't fit and I don't have a way to express any of the love I feel.

    Please don't suggest therapy next. It's in the works.

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  3. Sorry Kitten! I wasn't trying to suggest that you should get used to being alone. I know you deserve to be happy, and I believe you are completely capable of forming and maintaining loving relationships. I guess sometimes the way we express our love doesn't always seem loving to other people—like I thought my earlier comment was supportive and encouraging, but you didn't and I appreciate that you let me know that it struck you the wrong way.

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  4. Nono! No need for sorry. Was frustrated by the situation, not you, and I'm sorry I came across so mean. You are as right as right can be. Forgive me, please.

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