Even when I made the car appointment, I felt a little
off, like I would be wrong to expect this trip to be another round of “if onlys”
from Cute Car Place Guy. I felt off, ashamed, exposed—all emotions too dramatic
for an errand. Driving in Monday morning, to get the oil change done and have
them check the weird noise the heater’s (I mistyped “heart’s) making, I had
such a sad feeling. Shame mixed with loss and sleepiness. The heater had
been making a noise, but of course it wasn’t that morning!
It was the first time in years that I didn’t see Cute
Car Place Guy smiling and beckoning me to pull in. He was nowhere to be seen
and they assigned Valentine and me to the new guy, who was admittedly also
cute. I felt like I’d been found out, like I’d gotten in trouble.
When CCPG DID appear, he called me by my given name,
which is not the name I go by. Nothing like realizing I’m not a main character (Of
course I’m not!) in this person’s life, or even a guest star! We got a chance
to chat as we usually do, though. He always starts with “Staying out of
trouble?” and of course I have been, a little too much lately!
It turns out, he has separated from his wife, the wife
he’s been complaining to me about for years. Typing that makes me realize it’s
actually pretty reasonable to feel a bunch of shame about this! I’ll change
that to “remorse” but still! We’ve been hitting on each other for like five
years of his marriage! Gross!
Then, it felt for the rest of my wait like he was
avoiding me and like I should be avoiding him. I felt too loud and very not-charming.
When I got the too-high bill, I wondered what was wrong with me that I’ve been
having the car serviced at the dealership for almost ten years?! There’s a
perfectly good and less-expensive place so much closer to home!
I’m kind of committed to the whole Boyfriend Material
thing, and this guy is not, and could never be, the right one. The whole vibe
is just…gone, and that’s probably a good thing.
It makes me sad. It was a kind of love, him looking
after Valentine and me, being there with the discounts (Were they,
though?) and almost always game to ruffle my feathers and buoy my spirits a
little bit. Sometimes even bringing up the original ask-out/thank you note I sent
him in…2019? Something like that?
Is it because of Luke Daines that I associate car-care
with affection? Remember when he replaced like ALL the insides of Lorelai’s Jeep
so she could keep the original body?
One of the cute guys at work offered to install a new
heater motor for me (On top of all this, the sound still sounds!) so I’m currently
squeeing and overthinking about that! The idea of handing him my keys fills me
with fizzy forbidden bubbles.
Anyway, the end of a flirt era—what do I do with this?
When a relationship ends, there’s a protocol, pictures to scroll through. A playlist
I’ve been curating my whole life! I guess what I do is write this blog post and
feel sad and lonely for a while.
I stand by my earlier-this week sanguine magnanimity,
but for a few days I’m just kinda freaking out. I think the CCPG fantasy
filled a bigger need than I thought it did. I think I held out a stronger hope
that it was a slow-burn meet-cute than I wanted to admit to. I’m afraid there’s
just NO ONE, that this dating slump will collide with age 50 this coming year
and I will never touch a man again!
At the same time, letting go of what isn’t,
recognizing where I really am and what I really want, makes room for the right
things to happen. The open door of new possibility does feel a little bit good.