The most important part of the story: Lying still first thing with him sleeping on my shoulder, breath hitting my collarbone in sweet, soothing rhythm.
But also, two things that turned the next few days
into a hurricane of anxiety:
1. My
period, which had only been gone for four stupid days, came back after some
particularly transcendent sex. (Nice to meet you, Reverse Cowgirl, I love you
forever.) Though he didn’t have any particular reaction about it, the Rogue
Period’s return set off a series of alarm bells and triggers that I’m still
trying to parse a week and a half later.
2. WAY
worse: First Poly Partner broke up with The Good Boy via text while I was
halfheartedly writing my morning pages. I gave him space to call or process or
freak, but I couldn’t figure out how to help. I also couldn’t figure out how to
not be the asshole who’s pissed at how much our time got interrupted, not mad
at him or her, just crabby at the circumstances and still trying (and
succeeding, I think) to stay sweet.
I’d planned to make brunch, but the vibe was
completely unbrunchlike. I don’t know how my neurotic, hurt caretaking and his
kinetic grief could have even lived in the same universe as brunch.
My heart was broken for him and them and a little bit by
them too. I have so much new empathy for BFF-Formerly-Sweetie who had NO END of
happy days interrupted by heartbreak and why-doesn’t-he-text and metamour
pains. (Later, after The Good Boy had gone home, I called to apologize to her
and she said shush.)
The Good Boy and I held each other for a good long
time before I sent him off into the beautiful snow. My heart physically hurts
while I’m typing this. He didn’t feel able to make plans with me, and I was
jangled by both the calendar upset and by my currently broken body clock. A
couple of days later, we decided to take a pause, and that’s where we are now.
I’m so lonesome for him. In my head I’m so sure he’ll
fall for somebody else or decide to be monogamous or just forget me. In my
heart, which is wiser, I’m grateful that the universe (or just the internet)
put us together for at least this little while. Love will help me untie him
from me, if that’s what he decides he needs, but I’d rather bind him close.