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| From Last September, Trying to Internalize It |
Backing up to the day after my Memorial Day adventure with Le Monsieur, he did that disappearing-the-day-after-sex thing. I thought a lot about the feeling of abandonment that day, how much it affected me during the bad rhythms of The Shy One. It feels childish to be a grown woman talking about “abandonment” by a guy I just met, but maybe just…childlike. That deep chasm of loneliness and want does come from the child part of my psyche, that’s why it’s so powerful.
I would like to find someone who doesn’t trigger that
feeling, who wants to spend time and be close to me after sexy times, someone
who wants the ordinary times too. Right now, it’s hard to believe in.
I probably should have said a kind goodbye to Le
Monsieur after he did the disappearing thing, but when he popped back up the
day after, I just wanted to practice my French and maybe get spanked.
He dragged his feet about making more plans though. I
felt pangs of loss about that, remembering how The Shy One stayed up late
making the hotel reservations for the trip we never got to take. Logistics and
gifts were his love languages, I wish I would have been able to appreciate that
more. I wondered if I’d ever feel that level of cared-for structure again.
Le Monsieur eventually did make a plan, and I was
excited for him to pick me up so I could visit his place. But he texted earlier
that day to see if I could bring baby oil. I said I didn’t have any but could
bring some nice scented lotion. I offered to bring condoms and he said yes,
bring those too. More pangs. It felt like I would be providing everything to
this connection. My heart ached to return to The Shy One, who not only brought
his own condoms like a GROWN ASS MAN but almost always showed up with treats,
or a pretty lotion, or a candle, or a new sex toy.
It wasn’t about the gifts, or, it wasn’t ALL about the
gifts, it was about feeling special. In all my years of grown-up dating, a man
had never made me feel so valued. He treated me, most of the time, like
something he wasn’t just entitled to. Honored. He made me feel honored.
Though I was very happy that Le Monsieur had MSNBC
playing when he picked me up (a first!) and we had a very nice dinner, the date
just didn’t feel right. I took a walk in his neighborhood and then BFF came to
pick me up. We listened to and celebrated the indictment news. It was a bittersweet
night of accepting where I was really at.
I can’t keep getting mad at these guys for not being The
Shy One! AND for the ways they resemble him. As much as it annoys me to not
move on while TSO’s probably out there having all the casual fun, it just doesn’t
feel right. I’m not ready. My heart is still too full of him to have room for
anybody else. I wonder if I’ll ever have that room again. Probably!
So for the next couple of months, I’m going to focus
on work, friends, summer, and mental health. I’m going to focus on myself and
give myself the space to process and heal. These couple months of adventures have
been lovely, and I’m sure when I’m ready, people will still be cute.