After the surge of post-museum-visit spring feelings,
I decided to give Bumble a whirl. I mostly tried it because I feel like I can’t
look at OK Cupid for one more second right now, but I do like the whole “women make
the first move” thing—mostly because it’s clear what I’m supposed to do. (Ladies-first
doesn’t stop anyone from sending douche-y explicit messages after I message them, but it does center
the option to report every time you unmatch. That’s both sad and helpful.)
One of the first guys I matched with was super adorbs. He had big blue eyes with fluffy, sincere eyelashes, a soft,
friendly face, and complimented me on my photo with Hillary, which saved me a
screening question.
He seemed uncannily right for me: Not only was he sweet, charming, my age, and
attentive, but he was a self-described fat guy! I’ve never been able to talk
about fat liberation with a guy before! It felt like a revelation! Although I
always do feel cute on dates, fat has always felt like something to be ignored
or tacitly approved-of at best and something guys feel they can manipulate me into
starving away at worst. Post- body-positivity life is truly magical sometimes.
AND! He had a background in improv, including a web
series wherein he and his friends RIFF ON BAD MOVIES. This blog REALLY LIKES
THAT. I’ve had entire very fulfilling relationships based on MST3K snuggling!
He was also amenable to talking about which of the jokes he and his pals made
were problematic—maybe the closest to an enlightened white guy I’ve dated so
far? Maybe not.
Plus, it felt really exciting to have someone to talk
to about my love of The Flop House! Like underpants that go all the way up,
I feel like podcasts are this really wonderful part of my life that I’m not
really supposed to admit to. It was fun banter about who the best McElroy is
(Clearly Travis) and to refer to years-ago Reply
All stories without feeling like too much of a dork-o-rama. It would turn
out, though, that his depth of involvement with Maximum Fun would be a
roadblock rather than a benefit, but first we have to talk about clothes.
A couple of times a year (I think I wrote about this
with Gilmore Guy too) I get the urge to spoil myself and treat my body like it
deserves to be seen: expand the underpants collection, try on a bunch of
dresses, get a pretty new bra and probably some PJs. On the day of my first
date with Comedy Guy I did one of those shopping trips. Sweetie came along to
politely listen to me blather on about my choices. I found the perfect, PERFECT
new pink dress, gauzy, floral, softly fitted. It was practically an Easter dress
(okay, it was definitely an Easter dress) but I Nineties-ed it up with a
long-neglected pair of black, stack-heeled, patent leather Mary Janes. I felt
like a Zen Courtney Love even though I totally forgot my red lipstick.
Somehow in all of his funny-stuff expertise, Comedy
Guy had never watched Bob’s Burgers, so
I had the perfect excuse to invite him over after our dinner out in my
neighborhood. I’d bought new lacy rose-pink underpants (that go all the way
up!) in hopes of letting him see them and I already knew, after a non-sexty
chat the night before, that he had hands that were ready to spank should the occasion
call for it. (What occasion doesn’t?)