Well, the Man About Town was downgraded this week from
hapless to creepy—in his last (or what I hope was his last) correspondence to
me he insinuated that I was somehow being dishonest because I needed some space
to process things without his input. He said he just didn’t take my boundary
seriously—what girl doesn’t loooove hearing that her “no” meant nothing, huh?
He’s all blocked/unfriended/marked as spam now, but I’m still kind of waiting
for the other shoe to drop.
(Note to self—I believe in magic just enough that I should
never mess around with someone who is in a coven—I keep imagining him sending
me gross condescending healing vibes or something.)
What I realized was, I acted in bad faith. I didn’t like
him. I was ambivalent after our first date, but I thought that might’ve been
because I was all swirly about Mister Hazel eyes. On the second date, I was
sure that I wasn’t attracted to him—his kisses just tasted wrong, the chemistry
was off.
Yet I thought I should go forward with him because he looked
good on paper—he had these nice, sensible girlfriends, he seemed stable and
smart, he treated me very well. I thought that I should like him. So I
asked to go forward as nonromantic play partners, just to see how that went.
In retrospect, it was a cynical move trying to make myself
like someone just because he was appropriate. I had this idea in my head that I
had to move on from the single boys, the bad boys, the inexperienced,
unavailable boys to someone who was more suitable. I was trying to grow up,
yes, but going about it in such a coldhearted way.
Being experienced at poly doesn’t make someone a mensch, and
I should have followed my instincts—they obviously picked up something that I
didn’t. So the fairly obvious lesson is: don’t play with people I am not
attracted to. My body knows what it is doing and I need to listen to it.
Otherwise, naked pictures of me will keep ending up in the hands of people I
actively dislike—that is just not good.
There have been a few times that I’ve wondered if I have to
make a choice between the adventures and the blog, but the main characters, the
people in the story who mean the most to me, have never given me even a little
bit of shit about it. The two guys who have caused me trouble about my writing
were people I had reservations about anyway, and next time, I will listen to
those reservations.
The holidays are a great time to put my quest for another
partner on the back burner and turn my focus wholeheartedly to Sweetie and the
rest of my family, to appreciating all of my friends, and to celebrating the
fact that I am about to complete my student teaching. There is so much richness
that I already have, and it needs my attention. When I return to dating, I will
do my best to believe in attraction, in my body, maybe even in love. Just like
I did a year ago!