Heart Emoji Guy: A New Way to Break Me, Part Three

 

Part of how I'm dealing with my oversize herpes emotions is

painting abstractions of the virus under a microscope. Pretty?

The unmatching that night seemed so mild, so good-natured, that I guess I forgot to block his number after the date.

But then, the following Wednesday, four days after our pleasant and cordial mismatch, I woke up from a dreamy morning nap to see that Heart Emoji Guy had texted. No heart emojis this time:

“So you called me there to infect me with herpes? what the fuck is wrong with you?

You got the wrong one, I am not the one.”

I’m not sure why I wrote back, but I did. I wanted to stand up for myself a little, to let the ashamed teen self at the core of this issue know I’m still on her/my side.

“I hope I can find someone who is less stigmatizing about STIs. I still deserve to be kissed, just as you deserve to have your limits too.”

I cried on and off all morning. The kitten was sleeping by my face and I got tears all over her. I felt sad for myself having to field this weird freakout, but also felt sad got HEG, for all the guys who get tangled in Reddit threads or something and decide women only exist to trick and harm them. I cried on my cat because we all have to be so afraid of each other all the time. It’s so hard and it’s not fair.

I blocked HEG, but he borrowed a phone:

“Kiss you n get herpes, you damn fuck?

Only thing you deserve is an ass whooping.

That’s why you are an ugly looser, you stupid fuck..

Karma

I know where you live..”

The 2/3 elipses kind of undermined the menace. I cannot overemphasize how sweet and mild this guy was in person. This is one of the worst things about dating—violence can come out of nowhere and there’s no etiquette, no strategy, no kindness or finesse can keep potential partners from exploding into shame bombs. I know I’ve done it myself, though without the threats. Still, I’m sorry with my whole heart. Shame bombs can go right to hell.

Herpes is such a common, minor thing, it’s so stupid for people to get so upset about it. It’s a virus nearly everyone could be carrying, but that doesn’t matter. They’re GOING to freak out about it sometimes, and I don’t want to be in denial about that anymore.

So I went where I often go when I’m struggling with being a good citizen of sex: Planned Parenthood. There, the nice nurse practitioner lady told me its fine to kiss if I haven’t had an outbreak on my face!

I’d thought about doing daily Valtrex to eliminate the worry a little bit, but the nice lady told me that according to the CDC, there’s no evidence that that would reduce transmission of HSV-1. She gave me a prescription to keep on hand in case I have am outbreak again.

“We all worry about our bodies.” She said.

I’m so grateful for her! I’m so grateful for the couple of dates who have kissed me with abandon post-disclosure. I’m so grateful for the epic, transformative, transcendent kisses I’ve experienced in the past. I took a break from swiping for a week or so, but my inbox is getting back to full again.

One disclosure at a time.

One date at a time.

Staying hopeful is the best and most that I can do.