Weekend after last, I was a little sad about my job with
Blue Ribbon Work Crush being over for the summer, but it was okay because this
beautiful, kind, eager young man (29, his profile said) was sending me all the
heart emojis. Definite good boy potential, it seemed. We planned a Saturday
night movie night at my place.
I ask all my first dates to bring flowers, and Heart
Emoji Guy showed up with RAINBOW ones. With glitter on them! And like the
biggest bad of Sour Patch Kids you’ve ever seen. AND Junior Mints. And popcorn!
I was microwave popcorn and I don’t have a microwave, but still!
Our date was starting at around the time the fireflies
come out, so I asked if we could take a walk around my neighborhood. Twilight
is one of the prettiest times around here, and there was a poetic slice of
waxing half moon to keep us company. We held hands, lacing our fingers together
in that way that always feels pleasantly teenage-crush. Dreamy-innocent in that
way that David Lynch associates with goodness. (Sorry, I’m audio reading Room
to Dream and rewatching all of Twin Peaks so I’ve got my second-favorite
filmmaker’s aesthetics all tangled up with my own.)
When it came time to get cozy and pick something to watch,
Heart Emoji Guy asked for standup comedy. I braced for him to choose Chappelle
(The great date-ruiner of 2021) and free up the rest of my evening. But we
landed on (Slightly less problematic? But my niece hates him?) John Mulaney.
The new special is sad weirdly smug and funny and maybe not the best makeout material.
But I did hope to make out! I just had to do my
disclosure first—HSV-1. I’ve often disclosed over text pre-date, I may go back
to doing it that way. Or I may date exclusively on that dating app for people
who have STI positives. Or I may hide under the weighted blanket and never date
again.
But it really seemed like he took it in stride. He’s
in the healthcare field, so I felt not-too-anxious telling him.
When it came time to aim my face toward his, his lips
landed everywhere, anywhere, but on my lips. Ears, neck, cheeks, forehead. My
heart sank to about the center of the earth.
I wasn’t having an outbreak, but I can still
understand someone not wanting to kiss an HSV-positive person. Even if I couldn’t
understand it, it would have to be okay! That’s how consent works!
I asked him, trying to keep tears out of my voice, “Do
you not want to kiss me?” and he said he did. But his body said that he didn’t.
Ears, cheeks, shoulders getting kissed would have been lovely if not for the WHAT
IF I NEVER GET PROPERLY KISSED EVER AGAIN grief overtaking me.
It would have been helpful to feel less urgent, or not
to think about sex without kissing as tragic. Heart Emoji Guy was so kind and
sweet and eager, I wanted to please him. I wanted to open up my mind and, like,
glow myself into Ma’am mode. I didn’t want to get swept into the tide of
grief, I wanted to accept this gift I thought life was trying to give me.
So I invited him upstairs to try the ropes!
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