From Good Second Date to Ghost, Part Three

 

He's her lobster.

“This hair isn’t gonna pull itself,” I said with my trademark subtlety, grabbing myself by the scruff.

Again, a look of startlement, like whoa, but then Nearby Guy wholeheartedly complied. He hugged his left arm up under my torse, both an embrace and a hold-down. He played roughly with my nipples while with his other hand he pulled my hair, just hard enough that I felt like I was surrendering, not quite hard enough for it to hurt. He smushed our faces together into a hard-to-breathe-but-not-unpleasantly-so kiss. It took strength to leave the kiss enough to tell him to go easier on my nipples, and once he complied, the kiss/pull/restrain went on for a good while.

As the energy ebbed back to tender and I regained the use of my arms, I held the sides of his face and kissed him like I was in a movie, or like I was Rachel Karen Green on Friends. (Ross is garbage, I know, but I feel like I grew up with them, and their romance is part of my overall template for love.) (It would be completely fair if someone is out there writing about me as Toxic Rom-Com Lady.) I didn’t mean it as a quote-kiss, it felt very real. So sweet. So close to that thing I’m always looking for, then feeling stupid for looking for.

“I might get feelings,” I said. “Is that okay?”

I didn’t really need to ask this question. He’d already framed our connection as romantic on the first (retroactively-upgraded) date. Asking was self-protective and maybe defensive, but also fair in that cloud of subbiness, vulnerability, and man-smell.

“Well, we would have to talk about it…”

So we did. He wanted reassurance in the poly department, which I was happy to give. Feelings got a tentative green light, but the situation still felt too fragile to me (or maybe like I needed to smash it and run) so I said:

“Okay, but if you’re looking for something casual, that’s not me.”

In my mind, so much of dating is/has to be about showing that I’m ready to graciously say goodbye. This is maybe not the best strategy, but I haven’t found a better one yet.