These days, what even IS a body adventure? I know I should be working on my No-Contact High Fidelity proj and learning the knots on Thursdays, but the sense of hopelessness that’s pervaded my snuggle-outlook since Quarantine Crush is hard to shake. I think a lot about what quarantine-long lack of touch (Aside from some very special occasion exceptions (Like, say, friends are alive after being boxed in during a police-incited riot…) Sweetie and the cats are the only people I can hug or high-five. And the cats are TERRIBLE at high-fiving!) is doing to my brain and body. I’m not really sure what my psyche is up to, but I think it’s time to figure it out.
Yesterday, I was “at” my favorite Zoom book talk,
sponsored by our local bookstore/coffeeshop. I like to go and mostly mute
myself, hear what some local strangers are reading, occasionally unmuting to chime
in about a book or invite everyone to a march. This week though: WHOA!
We were listening to a lady talk about the cool
workbook that comes with Life Before Slavery when, OHNO! I looked up
from my doodling to see: A naked, face-hidden white guy playing with his erect penis!
“It’s so small!” Exclaimed the lady who was trying to
talk about her book. Though I’m resolutely against size-shaming, I so much admired
her bravado and he definitely deserved worse! It was just kind of normal-sized,
lovely even though it belonged to an invasive, rapey creep. They muted his
video feed and we aimed to get back to books.
I felt awful for the moderator and for the rest of the
group. After a little nervous laughter and dismay, we went back to our talk. I
was a little more chatty than usual and was happy to make some new friends for
the first time in a while and add some more books to my TBR.
What that guy did to our Zoom was evil, violent,
hateful and invasive. I can’t believe anyone could be that callous, selfish and
cruel to anyone, let alone a neighborhood bookstore!
Stepping back and looking at my own physical and
emotional reaction, though, I am shocked, SHOCKED and a little alarmed. Though
I guess a delayed reaction may come later, I felt no fear, no triggers, no
jangled sense of helplessness. What my body felt about being subjected to this
nonconsensual cam guy was:
…Yay?
It could be an adrenaline thing or a self-protective bravado,
but I think my reaction is more base, if I can use that word in a non-judgmental
way. What stayed in my body for the rest of the evening and a little bit still
today was/is a clear, quiet physical happiness. It almost feels like…health.
Against all ethics and reason, I felt a sense of
possibility and joy. Later, after the talk was done and I finished the dishes
and played my phone games and caught up on the news, I had some very nice
personal time, with a further-reaching, more hopeful imagination than I’d had
in a long time.
There were some more sense-making things contributing
to that healthy feeling, to be sure. An old friendship dragged itself up
yesterday from the Bernie scrap-heap (Hi Pagan Boy! Welcome back if you’re
reading!) and I spent a few hours at my own (not the same one) bookstore job
for the first time since March. It was a generally good and progress-y day.
But. this invasive, creepy moment was the most
personal sexual encounter I’d had since those nights taking Quarantine Crush’s
songs the wrong way. It was the nearest I’d gotten to getting friendly with a
penis since… when was Comedy Guy? Like a year ago at least! In spite of myself,
something was fulfilled in me, a glowing little (yet regular-sized) puzzle
piece of joy fitting neatly into my Sacral chakra. I have no excuse.
I think the take-away here is this: It’s time to stop
neglecting my sex drive and my kink. As creative as I’ve gotten with working and
socializing remotely, I think there’s a lot of room for improvement in my
virtual sex life, which doesn’t currently exist beyond swiping through Bumble
and Hinge. I want whatever I find to be consensual, private, and personal of
course, but just as surprising and stimulating. I’ll let you know how it goes!
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