There are so many things I love about this new life I’m
creating, but I’m kinda feeling nostalgic for the days when exes probably
wouldn’t see me naked again. Yesterday I ran into my ex-FWB, the Mayor of
Kittentown, at the nude beach. I just flat-out ran out of knowing what to do. I
saw him bobbing around in the waves and was just going to avoid him since I was
having a fragile day, but he came over, wearing nothing but sea-salt and a
pained expression. I’m sure mine was equally pained.
I gave him a lean-way-over-so-our-hips-don’t touch hug, it
was all I could think of to do, and he kind of acted like I was hitting on him.
He was all “Well, (Monogamous Girl) is here, so…”
And I said “Okay, we’re going this way now.” and dragged
Sweetie off down the beach. We were only a little way down when I just started
to cry. I stood there with my feet in the waves, naked in the cloudy sun but
feeling as far away as I’ve ever felt from my inner Bettie Page, crying so hard
that I worried I was ruining the beach for everyone. Sweetie felt so good and
soft, holding me and trying not to cry herself.
And then the jealousy rolled in, angry, ugly,
rip-her-face-off jealousy, which made no sense, because what had she ever done
to me? She’s just a better match! But I seriously wanted to pee on their picnic
blanket. I wanted to tell her that he’d told me they had no spark together. Of
course I didn’t do those things, just left them alone. I know that you all know
this, but this jealousy stuff is AWFUL, how does anybody every get through it?
The worst part was how UGLY I felt. I even had that high
school feeling of “Better not let them see me eating, it’ll just remind them how
fat I am.” I took deep breaths and asked my body for help coming back into myself,
and I eventually did, mostly.
I DON’T KNOW IF I CAN DO THIS. I don’t know if I can keep
letting guys into my life, knowing how quickly and easily they can just be
gone. Mister Hazel Eyes isn’t poly (yet) and it’s hard not to imagine him
ending up in the arms of some more available sweetheart some day soon. The
dumped-for monogamy thing just kills me, just seems insurmountable.
I wondered all day on the beach if I should break it off
with Mister Hazel Eyes because the pain of MKT is so acute. Sweetie, wise
person that she is, says it doesn’t make sense to break it off with someone I
like just because he might break up with me someday. I know she’s right. I know
that there are all kinds of combinations of people who stay together in all
sorts of circumstances. There’s no reason not to keep giving him a chance. I
have to somehow find the other side of my abandonment fears and stop putting
them where they don’t belong. Somehow.
But I really don’t know if I am cut out for this. I’m scared
and I don’t know what to do. The Mayor of Kittentown sent apologetic texts all
last evening; he says he hopes we can all be friends someday. Maybe next
summer, who knows?
Sweetie couldn’t have been more supportive, of course, but
right now it feels like everybody’s disappearing, and I just have to let it
feel like that for a while.
((hugs hugs hugs))
ReplyDeleteI had that problem with an ex of mine. She was my first hard, fast, deep true love, and when we broke up we had a fight that left neither of us talking to the other for 8 months. When we finally started talking again it was with caution, and over the years we rekindled the friendship that we lost. Still, every time she got a new boyfriend, every time she gushed about how happy she was, I felt that little stab in the chest and in the gut. It seemed like she was twisting that knife just a little harder, driving it in just a little further, each time I had to hear about how well things were going with a guy that wasn't me.
She was my practice in developing compersion. I had to learn, for my own sanity and for the sake of our friendship, how to be happy for her without burying myself in jealousy and guilt. It took me nearly 5 years to reach the point where I could really start moving forward properly, and another 3 before I felt fully healed.
I've heard it said that when two people get together they form a unique energy between them that becomes akin to a life of it's own. When the couple separates or transitions, that energy changes or dies, and must be mourned accordingly. It sounds to me like your energy-bond with MKT is still fading, and the remnants gave you a swift kick when you saw him. I'm very sorry for that.
If wallowing for a bit is how you need to cope right now, please do so with great vigor. Embrace it. Use it. Feed on it. And when you come out the other side and start bringing that happy kitten out to play again, all of those who love you and care for you will still be there, waiting and smiling and embracing you. After all, they're still there now. Some may eventually go, others may come, but the core of you that is loved and loves others remains, and it's radiant with beauty.
Stay SINful
Mr. AP
Mr. AP, you're kind of a mensch.
ReplyDeleteIt's comforting to know that it's something that can be worked through, even if it takes a long time.
I agree with the idea that the friendship had its own life and energy, it explains why some people hang with me for longer than it sometimes seems like it should.
Even though it was a really hard day, I'm grateful that he wanted to keep the lines of communication open--I like knowing that the connection meant something to him, even if it had to change.
I'm feeling much better in the last few days, the wallowing did help. :)