Sunday, November 11, 2012

Burned Out and Wishing for Snuggles




Sorry I didn’t get to finish the Old Timey guy story—it’s a hot story but it just isn’t inspiring me. I just ended up feeling sort of empty about it.

Empty is unfortunately the theme this week. Last Thursday night I had a perfectly fun evening in Man About Town’s basement. He’s a little sloppy with the knots, but he has other qualities, especially in the holding-me-down department. He did a great job and was the first guy I’d trusted with aftercare in a while, but I think I pushed myself too far. He left ass bruises that scared Sweetie, and I ended up in a dark place and sobbing as I was falling asleep that night.

Then, last night, I was at a party, in perfectly-knotted ropes, alternately tickling a topless Sweetie and drawing pretty doodles on her back, and I somehow felt invisible and abstracted from her. I felt so far away from the warm, loving times that we have at home.
I stopped the scene even though she was enjoying herself.

The lonely-for-Sweetie part is easy to remedy—a snuggling-and-hiking Sunday starts as soon as I’m done typing this—but what about the missing man-affection? I like all of the guys that I have played with recently, but only in a really superficial way. I don’t feel a real connection and that feels like it is eroding something in me.

So what do I do? Declare a moratorium on playing with guys until I find the man of my dreams or a time machine back to last year? Maybe. I’ve been looking for guy-connection at kink events, which seems reasonable, but maybe I need a good break from looking, some time to do other fun things and see if I can reconnect with myself and stop feeling so empty. 

2 comments:

  1. I understand the "not quite feeling it" bit. I've been meandering in and out of the numb stages since Mrs. AP and I lost our baby to miscarriage about a month back, now. It just... it tripped something in me. Between that, semi-fighting with my parents, and now learning that the job I was promised back in April/May has dematerialized, I'm just "not feeling it" more than I'd like. I hope we both find ways to pull through. You've got Sweetie to help, and I've got Mrs. AP. We're pretty lucky in that, I'd say.

    Stay SINful
    Mr. AP

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  2. We are lucky. Thanks for such a kind show of solidarity in the midst of your (much more serious) struggles--I'm rooting for you all the time!

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