Sunday, November 11, 2012

Burned Out and Wishing for Snuggles

Sorry I didn’t get to finish the Old Timey guy story—it’s a hot story but it just isn’t inspiring me. I just ended up feeling sort of empty about it.

Empty is unfortunately the theme this week. Last Thursday night I had a perfectly fun evening in Man About Town’s basement. He’s a little sloppy with the knots, but he has other qualities, especially in the holding-me-down department. He did a great job and was the first guy I’d trusted with aftercare in a while, but I think I pushed myself too far. He left ass bruises that scared Sweetie, and I ended up in a dark place and sobbing as I was falling asleep that night.

Then, last night, I was at a party, in perfectly-knotted ropes, alternately tickling a topless Sweetie and drawing pretty doodles on her back, and I somehow felt invisible and abstracted from her. I felt so far away from the warm, loving times that we have at home.
I stopped the scene even though she was enjoying herself.

The lonely-for-Sweetie part is easy to remedy—a snuggling-and-hiking Sunday starts as soon as I’m done typing this—but what about the missing man-affection? I like all of the guys that I have played with recently, but only in a really superficial way. I don’t feel a real connection and that feels like it is eroding something in me.

So what do I do? Declare a moratorium on playing with guys until I find the man of my dreams or a time machine back to last year? Maybe. I’ve been looking for guy-connection at kink events, which seems reasonable, but maybe I need a good break from looking, some time to do other fun things and see if I can reconnect with myself and stop feeling so empty. 


  1. I understand the "not quite feeling it" bit. I've been meandering in and out of the numb stages since Mrs. AP and I lost our baby to miscarriage about a month back, now. It just... it tripped something in me. Between that, semi-fighting with my parents, and now learning that the job I was promised back in April/May has dematerialized, I'm just "not feeling it" more than I'd like. I hope we both find ways to pull through. You've got Sweetie to help, and I've got Mrs. AP. We're pretty lucky in that, I'd say.

    Stay SINful
    Mr. AP

  2. We are lucky. Thanks for such a kind show of solidarity in the midst of your (much more serious) struggles--I'm rooting for you all the time!