I’m fighting a fairly large amount of shame in writing these lists. There’s still a big part of me that believes these things are only for other girls, other players. I would like to find the root of that shame and smush it, but meanwhile since I almost dipped my toe back in the dating world last week, I think it’s time to revisit. Two separate lists this time:
Minimum Expectations for Play Partners:
1. I am excited about him (her, them) and he is excited about me. I think I deserve better than lukewarm “If I get to you…” nonsense. I deserve to be a priority, even when it’s just play.
2. Wants to play in public so that I’ll feel like he’s proud of me.
3. Good at hitting me with stuff, tying me up, setting me on fire or whatever he’s there to do.
4. I trust him and he makes me feel like we are being people, not just a set of fetishes.
5. Respects and remembers my boundaries and my voice. Good at sharing and respecting his own, too.
6. Is honest, forthright, and inclusive about/with/of other partners.
7. Provides praise and aftercare as needed. I am so totally a good girl, just admit it!
The Dream Guy:
1. He is looking for and available for love. He has room in his life and his calendar for me and he shows it by proactively making plans and sharing all different parts of his life with me.
2. He loves the ocean and wants to throw me around in the waves. This is indicative of his sense of adventure in other areas, too. The ocean is not just the ocean.
3. He is tall, strong, full of life, probably beardy, and smells very manly. I’m just gonna go ahead and say that he should have a nice, big, friendly penis that loves me. And then loves me again.
4. He is a top and is as sexed-up, out, and kinky as I am, probably moreso. I want to know that I am wanted, to be pursued, ravished, taken emphatically as often as possible. I also want to feel free to climb all over him and show him how much I want him—he has to be comfortable and happy with the amount of sluttiness I have to offer. So much!
5. Then we can go out and ravish other folks, too! It’s very important to me that I have a partner in crime, not just someone who cheers me on from the sexy sidelines.
6. He is loving, kind, (Except when I don’t want him to be), good at communicating his emotions and hearing and accepting mine. He is encouraging but I don’t have to rely on his praise, and I never have to feel afraid except for fun.
7. It would be really nice if he has children and/or a household that would welcome me—I know I want to live in a more-than-two-people household.
8. But no matter who else he belongs to, he also belongs to me, and I belong to him. I’ve lost track of how many times I’ve written this, but I’ve seen it happen to other ladies so it must be possible.
9. Maybe he’s Unitarian like me! I sit behind this couple at church who are so adorable it’s all I can do not to hit on them. They always look so flushed and happy to be there together. I haven’t minded being married to an atheist at all, but it would be cool to have spiritual stuff in common.
10. He’s funny and banter-y and has good taste (or good taste plus sometimes unforgivably bad taste) in music and pop culture.
11. He is chivalrous and makes me feel like a princess even/especially when he is busy doing very bad things to me.
12. He cares about stuff and his politics are liberal. He is humane, ethical, and interested in social justice.
I would list some deal breakers but I know as soon as I do, some cutie-pie will come along and subvert them.