Sunday, April 7, 2013

Send Good Wishes if You Heart Consent

I’m feeling really sad and scared right now. I feel like trying to change what happens at the Scary Venue has become kind of a creepy part-time job. The owner has been very kind and deliberate, acknowledging that his staff needs to be more respectful and that something has to be done to make the venue safer. He let me know that he met with The Man yesterday and is taking a few days to process before he decides what to do about him.

Imagining the conversation between them fills me with a deep sadness and dread. I know that The Man saw me as possessive and overly nervous, and I am afraid that he must’ve used that to somehow justify what happened. I am so afraid that it will be dismissed as a He Said/She Said situation, when really it’s a He Said/She Said/She Said situation where one of the Shes didn’t ask to play with the other. (and where it’s two doms’ word against one sub’s)

Obviously I know I just never have to go back to the party, but I just don’t know how I’ll handle it if they keep those two on their security staff—I honestly don’t know how I could go back to ANY local party if that happens. It all just seems like a huge power imbalance between the in-crowd and those who are new. I can’t stand the idea that what happened to me could be happening right next to me any time I’m playing out in the world. The whole thing gives me deep moral misgivings not just about engaging in BDSM, but about engaging with the world at all. How can I participate in a system that allows such scary power imbalances? How can I ever feel safe again?

I know that removing him from the staff or barring him from one party won’t take away the fear, hurt, and sense of loss that comes from his boneheaded behavior that night—what happened will have always happened. I know that only time and kindness to myself will heal what was broken.

Sweetie says I won’t have to withdraw all the way, that there’s no reason to give up other parties. She’s probably right that when this passes, I’ll be naked in a room full of friends soon enough, but for now, my world is narrowed to a little tunnel of fear, wondering what lies he told about that night, wondering if, in the end, I’ll count for anything.

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