Well, the Man About Town was downgraded this week from hapless to creepy—in his last (or what I hope was his last) correspondence to me he insinuated that I was somehow being dishonest because I needed some space to process things without his input. He said he just didn’t take my boundary seriously—what girl doesn’t loooove hearing that her “no” meant nothing, huh? He’s all blocked/unfriended/marked as spam now, but I’m still kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop.
(Note to self—I believe in magic just enough that I should never mess around with someone who is in a coven—I keep imagining him sending me gross condescending healing vibes or something.)
What I realized was, I acted in bad faith. I didn’t like him. I was ambivalent after our first date, but I thought that might’ve been because I was all swirly about Mister Hazel eyes. On the second date, I was sure that I wasn’t attracted to him—his kisses just tasted wrong, the chemistry was off.
Yet I thought I should go forward with him because he looked good on paper—he had these nice, sensible girlfriends, he seemed stable and smart, he treated me very well. I thought that I should like him. So I asked to go forward as nonromantic play partners, just to see how that went.
In retrospect, it was a cynical move trying to make myself like someone just because he was appropriate. I had this idea in my head that I had to move on from the single boys, the bad boys, the inexperienced, unavailable boys to someone who was more suitable. I was trying to grow up, yes, but going about it in such a coldhearted way.
Being experienced at poly doesn’t make someone a mensch, and I should have followed my instincts—they obviously picked up something that I didn’t. So the fairly obvious lesson is: don’t play with people I am not attracted to. My body knows what it is doing and I need to listen to it. Otherwise, naked pictures of me will keep ending up in the hands of people I actively dislike—that is just not good.
There have been a few times that I’ve wondered if I have to make a choice between the adventures and the blog, but the main characters, the people in the story who mean the most to me, have never given me even a little bit of shit about it. The two guys who have caused me trouble about my writing were people I had reservations about anyway, and next time, I will listen to those reservations.
The holidays are a great time to put my quest for another partner on the back burner and turn my focus wholeheartedly to Sweetie and the rest of my family, to appreciating all of my friends, and to celebrating the fact that I am about to complete my student teaching. There is so much richness that I already have, and it needs my attention. When I return to dating, I will do my best to believe in attraction, in my body, maybe even in love. Just like I did a year ago!