Thursday, August 30, 2012

Things Go Haywire But Still a Good Scene, Part Five




Finishing up this story, I think I understand what it’s about. This was the first time I really had to confront my own jealousy in any way other than running away. It scared me to death and I acted in so many ways that I’d go back and change if I could. I felt an emptiness, a desperation for him that I am so ashamed of.

I don’t know how to manage jealousy and my fear of abandonment, but I know that I will have to learn. I know that I feel those things a lot less with some partners than with others, but sticking to mensch-y poly guys is not going to protect me from my insecurities forever. I feel like I need to be so much stronger and I am just not growing fast enough.

Right now I’m kind of overwhelmed with grief at messing it up with MHE. I don’t feel very hopeful that I’ll be able to find a guy who strikes the right notes the way he sometimes did. And this hurts so badly that I’m not sure if I should look.

What happened after the gorgeous scene was, he fell asleep. I know that seems sweet, it IS sweet, but I felt like he didn’t want to be with me. I sat down on the floor with my head in his lap, hoping to feel some kind of closeness, but the music was getting worse and worse and I really wanted to be someplace private.

We packed up our stuff and went out to the car. The rain was drizzling down as we sat there and cuddled a bit, him whispering to me that I was beautiful, it should have felt romantic, but I just wanted him to take me home and put me in bed, to fall asleep in his arms and know that he cared for me. I just couldn’t feel it. We felt so exposed, so placeless. I hoped that if I turned him on a little more, he’d change his mind about not taking me home, but groping in the parking lot outside the play party seemed unethical so I made us stop. He stared driving me home.

I did. Not. Want. To. Go. Home. I wanted to him to want to be close to me, I felt like he was just trying to get rid of me. Granted, I wasn’t really in a position to take him home either.

I was bitchy in the car on the way home. I tried to explain about what aftercare meant to me, but it sounded stupid and hollow. I knew it wasn’t about BDSM. It was a simple craving to be close to someone I’d gotten attached to, to prove to myself that he wasn’t lying about who was at home, to prove to myself that I could be anything to a man besides a toy. I honestly don’t know if I can. Maybe it’s just not me. Maybe I am, as I feared at the beginning of this project, simply not lovable to men.

Of course I didn’t say all that in the car. Despite this storyline, I am actually not crazy. I said just enough to feel like I’d totally fucked up, like I’d been a horrible bitch. When he pulled up outside my house I said, “Really? This is the choice that you’re making?”

And he just looked so tired, so defeated, it just broke my heart. Why am I always so hard on people? Why did I have to keep harping on him? I started out trying to just ask for what I need, but I sniped myself out of the chance of ever getting what I need, even SOME of what I need. No, he’s not perfect, but neither am I. Why couldn’t I just have given us space to get used to each other?  I apologized for fucking things up. We held each other in the car and kissed, took a little nap right there. My heart just ached for him, he was so tired.

Next time, he promised, he’d be ready for me. He’d do a better job of taking care of me. (Though clearly I’m the one who needs to do a better job at that.)

“I always do this.” He said, “I always hurt the ones I love.” As usual, I got the sense that that “love” was not about me.

The next day, we exchanged kind texts with a whiff of the breaking-it-off-note about them. I’ve been hoping all week that they weren’t breakup texts, but I offered him a lunch visit and he hasn’t responded. It’s settling in that he probably really is gone. In a few days, I’ll say goodbye, block his facebook page, and cry my heart out.

Maybe it WAS a bad match. I really don’t act that way with everyone. Maybe he really was being dishonest and I just picked up on something with my actual intuition. But I just can’t shake the anger at myself, the sense that I should have given him more leeway, should have just let him like me the way he did, not the way that I thought he should. What could we have been if I’d just given us more space, could’ve shaken my distrust, if I could have just grown the fuck up and been able to handle things better?

Most of the things I regret with past partners involves being too hard on them, not giving them the space to be imperfect. Sweetie says it’s okay sometimes if someone just isn’t enough, that I deserved for him to meet me halfway, and I know she’s right. But right now I just feel like a failure. I wish I could have a chance to start over and give things time to work out, to not feel so scared and urgent and graspy. I’ve really lost faith in myself for now, and it’s going to take me some time to recover. See you in a few weeks, Kitten Calendar. Wish me healing and strength and luck.

3 comments:

  1. Oh PR, what a way to make the realization that things won't work out. Is that like going out with a bang?

    I only know as much as what you've written, but the inference I see is that if he can suck it and up and give you the attention and respect you deserve than you will have more time with him to let things develop. It still seems that you are ready for something that he is not, and that right now those paths, while converging, have not intersected yet. I don't know if they will. I wish you the absolute best is whatever does come to pass, and offer you lots of positive energy.

    Stay SINful
    Mr. AP

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  2. Thanks for the encouragement. Heart! Right now I feel really sad and heartbroken and lost. I made a few attempts to get in touch, but he went to radio silence. Not much I can do but move on. :(

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    Replies
    1. ((hugs)) I'm very sorry about that. But, you did get an amazing concert and had some great times together. Take the good with the bad.

      Stay SINful
      Mr. AP

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