Friday, May 25, 2012

Hey! I Might Be Able to Let Myself Heal!

I still feel like I’m going forward on this project, but in the time since Fireguy inadvertently set off all those triggers, I’ve been in and out of a very dark place, seeing the world through rape-colored glasses, really feeling the feelings that have been inside me, holding me back all this time.

The other day when I decided to push back aboutblaming-the-victim assumptions in the local kink scene, the post and some people’s responses to the post opened up a whole new reservoir of shame and fear, to the point where yesterday I was on the couch crying into the phone to Sweetie “It wasn’t my fault, it’s wasn’t my fault, it wasn’t my fault.” (Tip for girls like me: marrying a trained Rape Crisis counselor can come in handy sometimes!) I felt ashamed, afraid, attacked, I felt like I was alone in a dark hole.

But I think I am almost where I need to go. Part of the reason I’m so intent in convincing others to stop focusing on what victims “should’ve done” and put the blame where it belongs is because I am almost ready to stop blaming myself for the rape and assault that happened to me in high school. I feel like I’m so close-one little more step and I can be at forgiveness. I can stop fighting.

We hold onto the idea that we could have done something to protect ourselves as a way to give ourselves power in a situation where we had none. I held onto the idea that I should’ve done something to protect myself as a way to give myself power in a situation where I had none. It makes sense, but I’m no longer willing to take the blame. I want to let myself off the hook for all the times I couldn’t protect myself, as a child and as an adult.

So I’m giving myself 2 weeks—no Fet Life, no BDSM, no body adventures. I want to talk it over with myself, stop getting triggered by outward stimuli, stop trying to solve things, stop taking the project outwards. That doesn’t mean I won’t ever be able to join the conversation, it just means that, for now, I need to make myself safe and see what I can do.

I told Sweetie this morning that I’ve gotten all the way to Forgiving Myself Station. Now I just have to wait for the train. I’m so close, just one more stop. Sweetie suggested that I get Hermione to help me find the right platform, and that sounds about right. Maybe my inner Hermione (or some other nice, smart witch) can help me find my way there.

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