Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Beginning Rope Class FTW Part Two: I Feel Conflicted About My Boobs

When Sweetie saw the above photo, (it’s a crop, the original does show my very smiley face) she said “If you want them to stop fixating on your boobs, maybe you shouldn’t…” I’ll get to unpacking that statement in a few paragraphs.

As we settled in for the presentation, the Gentleman left the rope on my wrist and did that thing where he looped it into itself, to make a kind of a handle. (To give it some “flair” he said.) He kept the handle in his lap. There’s no other way to say it, the guy has good energy. Sitting next to him he definitely felt like someone you’d meet at a snuggle party; warm, safe, open.

The first part of the presentation was about different ways to use sex toys with ropes—ah, my old nemesis, the Baggie full of vibrators. They didn’t seem so scary in the light of day; though I’m not sure I’ll ever warm up to big bouquets of machinery. It’s an awkward talk to sit through on a first date, but once she got to the ropes part, the Gentleman and I settled into each other. Our legs touched. He put his hand on my leg.

The woman who was getting demo-ed on left her clothes on. She had the prettiest smile, and it was fun to watch her settle in under the presenter’s hemp ropes. She built her a harness and then showed everyone how awesome it in to yank someone around by a rope in the middle of her chest. The presenter crab-tied the demo-lady and said “Wouldn’t you like to fuck someone like this?” Then she climbed on and pantomimed it.

The impressive thing about this lady is that she does a lot of self-bondage and even self-suspension. “I do this a lot at home,” she kept saying, but she stressed the need to keep your hands free, for safety and for other reasons. “I’m not Houdini,” she said. I’d always thought of ropes as being so dependant on finding the right top, but I like thinking of it as something I might be able to play with on my own.

When the demo was over, it was time for us to play. “What’s gonna happen now?” I asked the Gentleman, and he said he wanted to put a harness on me. Okay!

I put my arms up and smiled, relaxed, let him loop the rope around me. He has a soft, slow touch, and soon enough the ropes started to feel like they were hugging me, and I started to simmer down into subspace. What I love about a harness is the ways it feels on my back—like support, like someone’s holding me up so that I don’t have to for a while. It’s such a concrete way of feeling cared for.

He commented on how amazing my boobs are, how could he not? Remind me to tell him to try and compliment other things as well—sometimes I feel like a floating set of breasts, the way guys fixate on them. But the tricky thing about that is, I fixate on them too. I WANT them to have lots of attention, to be seen, showcased, enjoyed, played with, adored. I physically love the way that feels.

But the problem is, I don’t like worrying that they were the only reason I was invited. That is a Catch-22 about fetishes in general: How can I know that I am a person and not a thing, that he likes me as me and not just as a collection of fetishes? My nice pal Bo Blaze said a few weeks ago to look within and ask myself, but clearly my instincts are warped.

This gets back to my deepest fear, one of the convictions I have that’s hardest to fight: That there is no reason a man will ever want me for anything other than sex, and that the only thing sexy about me is my breasts. That idea has been in my head at least since I was 14, maybe longer. I am not sure where it comes from, but I know it’s really damaging. I think it leads me into situations that don’t just objectify me; they objectify my partners as well. I know that that fear keeps me from being able to feel the closeness I so desperately want to be able to feel.

Anyway, back in the rope class, I wasn’t thinking of any of that. When other folks stopped what they were doing to gape and exclaim, I just felt playful and seen. I did feel like a person. It’s weird how a positive situation can still unearth negative emotions. Today I’m just feeling conflicted about boobs.

Next Time: Even More Swoony

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