Last Sunday night while I was making the cupcakes, Sweetie and I had a pretty nasty fight. It was the kind of panicky fight we sometimes have when I’m nervous about something—in this case, The Levels and feeling diseased. What came out of the fight was good, though: we figured out that, while Sweetie is very supportive about the vanilla part of my poly life (she’s always been a big fan of MKT, though he gets less and less vanilla every day…) she can be dismissive about BDSM stuff outside of our own (awesome!) experiments. She doesn’t understand some of the emotional components of being submissive and so she just sort of glossed over them. Since I’d accused her of being grossed out by my sex life, she also said she’d try to read this blog and listen to the details a little more as a way of trying to understand more.
Once the fight had worn off, I felt stupid for accusing her of any of that—she pushes herself plenty hard and she is amazingly supportive. These guys should know how hard she roots for them! (Though I admit she roots for kinky guys a little less…) All in all though, I do feel supported. I especially like that she has made it her task to MapQuest my date destinations and make sure I understand the directions. She even makes sure there’s gas in the car for me!
Anyway, I didn’t really think there was anything she has to change about herself, but being able to talk to her about the details without feeling guilty or worrying that I’ll gross her out is a big comfort.
Last night we sat down and had some beers and I talked her through some of the feelings I was having about various aspects of the Fireguy date. Though I’m sad about things not working out with Fireguy, being able to talk with Sweetie helped me to feel safe within the story again, helped me settle back into my body and the gorgeous hotness of what I’d just experienced. I am deeply grateful to her for giving me this gift, even as she is still quite mystified by my love of blow jobs.