Saturday, April 14, 2012

Advice, Please: Care Beyond Aftercare?

As a new sub, I can't always predict what my reaction to new experiences will be. Sometimes they are "Yay!" but other times they are more intense and complex.

These reactions might occur well outside the scene; after the adrenaline wears off, the reality of what happened may sink in.

In a friendship or dating situation with a dom, I feel like I should be able to approach him with these reactions or concerns, but a few times I've tried it and been met with annoyance.

In a vanilla situation, I'd expect the guy to be able to talk about what we experienced together. Is it different for BDSM? Is this something I need to negotiate for explicitly?


  1. I used to feel bad about asking my Top to call me the next day, and to talk to me... I got over that. I know that I need it, especially when we go beyond what my comfort zone is, or if it is something new and intense. While cuddles afterward are lovely, I need to hear their voice and just being assured that I was a "good girl".

    These conversations are usually in the form of "well I really enjoyed blah blah blah blah.... Next time instead of doing blah blah blah, do You think we could do blah blah blah"

    While a lot (or maybe just a few select ones)have a good idea of your feelings and emotions and what you're going through, I don't usually bring that up unless its really significant (Just me maybe). I save those sorts of conversations (I was confused when Top said this... I feel really needy after doing this) for a close female friend that is also kinky and also a bottom (sub). To me, she's likely felt the same way and can offer how she handled those feelings or we can work through that together... If it's not something that can be worked through after that I bring it up to my Top.

    When I met my current Top we talked a lot. I told him how important it is for me to talk the next day... I even said the conversations may be silly, they may be mushy, they may be about my current day and work; I just need to know that You're there for me. He understands and it works.

    I've gone through the feeling like I'm being annoyance and treated like that. It sucks. You seem very self-aware and may have a good idea of what you'll need after certain situations (if it's emotionally challenging I need .... if it's physically challenging I need .... If it's beyond my comfort point and I don't succeed in the scene I need ....) so you can be up front with what kind of care you'll need after before you even start. If you don't know how you're going to feel or what you'll need say that too.

    I'm rambling a little. Sorry about that. I hope that this helps a bit. I know it's quite an adventure.

  2. Thank you for sharing. And for following! I like the fact that you made talking the next day a part of your routine--that seems like it's really nice and comforting.

    I think it's screwy, though, to put the onus of "negotiating" for care on the sub--it should be safe to assume a certain amount of normal human chivalry and kindness, and I'm heartbroken if I can't!