I just finished up a couple of days of crying. I mean, not the whole couple days, I did do other things. Monday, I was in the middle of making plans to go visit Fireguy again—definitely should have been cause for celebration, but something about the email exchange just made me start to cry. I couldn’t stop. I kept telling Sweetie “I don’t know what’s wrong! What’s the matter with me?” I sobbed so much that Sweetie started to sob in sympathy.
I thought the right thing to do was to stop making plans with him, but that doesn’t seem right either. I guess I just have more feelings about him than I am supposed to. Unsurprisingly! This is just who I am—sometimes easygoing and expansive, but when I really like someone, I panic. I was trying to keep the emotions about, say for instance, the fire kiss, in perspective, but some of the things that happened between us filled such a deep need that it is hard to be as casual as I am supposed to be. It makes me wonder how I’ll make it in the world of kink. Things feel like a mess in the Fireguy department, and I don’t know what to do.
Sometimes I worry that this project is taking me too far afield from my overall quest, which is just to feel genuinely loved by a man. On the other hand, I feel much more comfortable looking for love half-naked in a BDSM party than in a bar hoping to get hit on. But at the same time, with fetishy guys, how can I be sure that I am being seen as a person, not just as a collection of fetishes?
Last night was such a bright spot, though, and made me feel like I’m still on the right track. The Mayor of Kittentown came over last night to play Scrabble with Sweetie and me—it was the first time he’d been over since we got together five months ago. It felt so great to sit between them. They have the same tendency to second-guess my word choices, it’s adorable. Having him over made me feel closer to him, like I didn’t have to keep him at arms’ length as much. Which is kind of bittersweet, considering that a very cute girl is messaging him on OK Cupid, and whenever he gets a girlfriend he will probably have to let me go.
Nonetheless, though I still feel lost about this project, staying over at MOKT’s after his visit last night made me feel more grounded in what I really care about—connection, friendship, progress, and getting wholeheartedly and unabashedly fucked by someone I like and trust. Thanks for making me feel so good, pal, and good luck with the girl.